After finishing my food, I sat beside Rem again, reading the second journal that recorded our recent adventures.
Day 1:
I have a lot to catch up on, but I don't really have much time to write. Alijah's right next to me, and it's embarrassing to think he'd see this. We made it to Niamoor after many things happened—actually, one too many things occurred in such a short time!
I still can't believe everything that has transpired! He and I are... A couple? No... No... Sex buddies? I guess that sounds better. Yeah, we became entangled after a few turns of events that were out of our control.
It's stupid. I know I have to stop this, but his touch is becoming addicting, and it's terrifying me. Oh, I also told him I loved him. I... don't know what to do with myself anymore. Though, I know all that's waiting for me when this is over is pain.
There's no way this wolf would choose me, and I'll never ask him to.
Day 15:
We met an exceptional old lady who fed us treats that originated in Niamoor. At first, Alijah didn't want to speak to the lady, but after a few sugary treats, he became more comfortable with her.
It showed me he could really adjust if needed. I was right to trust my gut feeling about him, but what will I do now? My heart can't resist him. I love him, and I can't stop myself from doing so.
Alijah... I'm sorry if I go past any of the lines you've placed.
Day 30:
I haven't been able to write much because Alijah barely ever gives me time to, but today... I have something I need to write about, and he's asleep. So, I've got the advantage today! We went to a famous forest known as the Crystal Forest in Niamoor.
Not to any surprise, my butt ended up on the floor because I wasn't looking down at where I was walking. How could I? The butterflies flying around me shimmered with different colors, locking me onto them.
Of course, Alijah was there to watch me make a fool of myself, like always. Through his laughter, I swear I heard him say I love you to me. I must've misheard, since I tried to ask him what he said again but said it was nothing.
I'm such a fool to get my hopes up only for them to crash back down. There was no way he would've said he loved me. That must've been my mind playing tricks on me. I'm a dumbass, I know, but it made my heart nearly stop.
How I wish you'd say those words to me.
Reading that day made me want to stop because of the frustration building up. Rem had heard me and yet still pretended not to.
By the gods, why Rem? Why were you trying so hard to deny that I love you? Why didn't you believe me when I told you back at the springs, too?
Trying to contain my emotions, I closed the journal to breathe for a second. I took a moment to understand this stupid little luma, who was determined to adore me, yet so closed-minded about me having feelings for her.
I had to continue. There had to be something in there to help me.
Day 50:
We've been traveling around for quite a long time now. Alijah seems to have adjusted to speaking to people. He also seems more relaxed and even styled his hair differently. Every manner in which he does his hair looks godly on him, though.
But I wish he would use a different cloth to tie his hair. That's selfish of me, I know. He probably got it from Lilith, and I can't help but be jealous of it. Would he accept one from me if I gave it to him?
No, stop feeling like this, Rem. Don't cross a line that would push him away even further than he is now. Alijah will never be yours to have. Right, that'll only happen in my dreams, and those seemed to lack too! I haven't had one like the ones from before he got here!
Will they return once he's gone? I can only hope. If they don't, I don't know if I can stop myself from hurting him. On the brighter side, I made him dance not too long ago, not in bed, but in an actual bonfire.
He picked up on it quickly, too. I wish you'd always be with me.
The more I read into her insecurities, the more I realized how blind I was to them. Rem was hurting, and I didn't know it.
You're such a dumb girl. You should've asked me if the cloth had any special meaning! I would've told you it didn't. Lilith never gave me anything. I got this cloth after I was free from the torture I experienced back in my time.
The fabric was in a merchant's shop in one village I ravished soon after my escape.
I liked how it looked, so I took it. It never belonged to Lilith or anyone else.
Shaking my head, I pressed onward and turned to the following page. There was only one day left and it was when everything went to shit.
Day 187:
It has been four incredible months since I last wrote in this journal. Alijah's taking a while to get out of the bathroom. It's probably the warm water from the shower keeping him. It almost took me hostage, too.
I had almost forgotten I had bought this book. Today, it seems like I'll need it once again. I just heard a couple of ghosts talking about Alijah's future. It relates to his genuine love and how we'll find her.
It's also where whatever we have is going to end. Why don't we have more time? No, I'm about to take more of it for a selfish little wish I have. I'm sorry Lilith, but today I'm going to fuck him until morning comes, just like I wanted from the beginning.
Wait for him just a little longer. Just a little more, I promise... Please give me this one night with him. This last night, and I'll be gone from his heart for good. Eh, who am I kidding? I never was in it in the first place.
There are many things I must do after we find her. I hope my heart will hold until he's gone. Will I be able to live without him, though? After feeling everything...
I have... I… No, I need to stop being so selfish. Alijah, I wanted a part of your heart. Did I ever get it? Did my selfish wish come true even a tiny bit? No… I doubt it did.
When I read those words, I felt my heart rip in two, but what was below them was even worse. It was directed at me, too. I didn't understand why Rem wrote them. I had lived in Moon elf lands for two years.
Of course, I knew the meaning of what I gave her.
Dear Alijah...
Did you also know that a gardenia has another meaning? You probably didn't think about it so deeply when you gave me this gift. Right? It means joy but also represents a secret love between two people.
You've brought me so much joy these months, but I don't think you'll know how much it truly was. I always kept so much from you, mostly about my life before I met you, but even so, I love you.
I'll always love you. This will always be a secret love, too, huh? Your gift was more meaningful than what you expected. Even so, I'll let you go to your true love, but before that happens, I'll love you as you've never been loved one last time.
So, maybe you'll remember me and perhaps dream of me, as I dream of you from time to time. I'll love you always and forever, my grumpy old wolf.
After reading those last words, I threw the book onto the ground, finding my way into Rem's bed where she lay. I stared at her, feeling my chest hurt in ways I thought it would never feel.
"Rem, wake up..." I whispered, touching her cheek only to receive silence in return.
She laid below me peacefully and undisturbed.
"I said wake up," I demanded, a bit rougher this time.
However, the result was the same; Rem laid there silent.
"Oi, there's so much I need to tell you. You need to wake up!" I continued to reach her, to no avail.
"Rem, I love you. I love you so much. I'll tell you as many times as you need me to. So, please wake up!" I pleaded with her, but she did not respond.
Droplets of water dripped onto her face; I hadn't noticed I was crying until then.
What a mess I've become.
"Oi... Baby girl, wake up, please!" I begged my little luma, unable to stop the tears that flowed out of me.
This stupid girl needed to know how I felt.
Why can't I tell you? No… Why didn't I tell you sooner?!
Pressing my forehead against hers, I felt lost. I never knew I would feel this way about someone, especially after everything I had gone through. I thought I would never feel love again, yet there I was, deeply in love with the Luma who had given everything to find me.
I was within her reach, but she wouldn't take me on her own. I glanced outside to notice the sky had turned dark blue as night had consumed the sun. Tracing my finger on her lips, I gazed at her again.
You seem so peaceful like this. Damn it… I was wrong! This doesn't suit you at all!
"Rem... Please come back and keep me on my toes. Annoy me, fuck me... do whatever you want to me just come back to me, baby girl." I simpered, pressing my lips against hers.
It was a useless gesture as I kissed her every night and morning. However, this time, the action triggered a sudden, gentle light that consumed me and my consciousness. I was unaware, but someone had responded to my emotions.