At the end of the alley, i see on the right a small restaurant. It has its light signs on, even though it's day. i look above me, and above those trees, and the starry sky can be seen. It's already night? i think i even saw a falling star. What…? i'm shoved by someone.
"Sumimasen!"
Past me walks by an Asian woman with a kid by her hand. i was standing right in front of the entrance. i get on the side and look at the restaurant. It's beautiful, built all in wood. Above the entrance, lit by traditional Japanese lamps, it's a white parchment type of scroll, huge one, with a symbol drawn on it. The silver colour of the drawing is very bright and flashy, which makes the sign hard to miss. The symbol is just the shape of a horizontal line, with a small imperfection at the right end of the line. And there doesn't seem to be something else wiped or fallen, so that must be the name of the restaurant, i guess.
一
The restaurant has a constant flow of clients coming in, people of Japanese ethnicity mostly. Families or couples or colleagues from work or lone people. All go in the restaurant, it's the only thing on this alley. In fact, it's the only thing around. i don't even see the alley anymore, the trees, the buildings, the brick wall or the city. It's a space completely empty, occupied just by this restaurant. It seems to be a desert surrounding me. i have sand on my feet, and under. It's sand everywhere. i have nothing to do outside, so i also go in the restaurant.
Inside it was so much spacious than it looked from outside. In fact, compared to the size of the restaurant from outside, how small it looked, the hallway that i'm in right now is surreal, so huge that i can't see the ends of it. i pass the reception, where a girl, also Japanese, makes a short bow in front of me as welcome, and i get through this huge arch straight into the mess hall. Here i see so many tables i don't even know in which direction to go. Most of them though are occupied, all Asians. i already feel as if i'm not in Romania anymore, or as if i entered a select club that only Asians can get in. Anyway it is, i feel like a stranger.
As i walk around the tables, i see the end of the mess hall and what seems to be an open kitchen, so the clients can see the food being prepared.
"Irasshaaai!"
A woman, still Japanese, takes me by surprise and startles me. She looks at me and makes me a sign to follow her.
"Kochira e dōzo."
The woman goes to an empty table of two and makes me a sign to sit down. i pull my seat and sit at the table. The seat in front of me is askew, as if intentional, and in front of it lays a covered dish, covered with a steel plate cover in shape of a bowl or a bell. i turn to the woman but she wasn't with me anymore. There is no menu on the table, but even there was, i guess all would be written in Japanese…
The restaurant is a quiet one, everybody speaks but amongst themselves, and even laughing and yelling and all is quiet, nothing goes too loud, they moderate themselves. Not something that you're used to in Romania…
The background noise is coming from a cascade that is placed in the middle of the hall. And it's not some small waterfall, with plastic stones or some mock-up mountain, no. It's a hole in the wall, and one in the floor, both huge. Through those holes falls the water, in a very big flow and at a high speed. If the hole from the floor would suddenly get clogged up, i think in less than a minute, this entire huge hall would be filled with water to the ceiling.
Other than that, besides the huge waterfall, everything seems normal, classic, old style. Paper Japanese lamps with candles are lighting up the hall, and the walls made out of bamboo are old, faded in some areas but very well kept. The floor is made of wood also and it seems even older, the chairs and tables and everything seems to be made of wood. It looks like a century or even more old restaurant but well kept in time.
A man dressed in simple clothes, but clean, comes to me and gives me a piece of paper, he bows and then leaves. i look at the paper. Up in big letters:
MENU
And under that, on the left side i see a dash, a horizontal line, the same i saw on the sign above the restaurant's entrance, and to the right is the price.
一 ¥ 0.00
Free. i don't understand what it is, but i'll order this, other option i don't have apparently. And also it's the right price. And i'm also running on an empty tank, if i don't fuel up now… The same man that gave me the menu comes to me and looks at me, doing nothing else but waiting probably for my order. i look at the menu, then at the man, open my mouth then shut it. i put my finger on the only thing on the menu and tap lightly. The man acknowledges my choice with a head nod, notes it down and takes my menu and leaves.
i wait for the food to come now, but i can't stay like this anymore. This is the end of the line i walked these past days. i have to eat something, now. i feel that i'm about to die here, on this chair, if i don't put something immediately in my stomach. i…fuck, my grandma had that saying, she used to say something about those who don't eat but i can't fucking remember it, i'll die of hunger before i remember…it hurts so much, the stomach is chewing on itself until oblivion…
i look around, everybody was minding their own business, everybody either eating or talking with each other. i look at the dish in front of me. It's for the other seat but there's no one sitting there so… i reach with my hand above the metal cover and grab the handle. i take another look around me, nobody seems bothered by my gesture. i raise the cover only for a few centimetres, not even enough to peek inside, and a hand suddenly grabs mine and places the cover back on. It's a man. He retracts his hand, i pull back mine too and the man sits down on the chair in front of me. It's his dish…
"One."
He's that doctor! i remember. The last one i saw, the one from the dream, the one my parents talked to, here in Bucharest.
"If you don't eat as soon as you have the opportunity, you'll get to stage two."
"What is stage two?"
"The penultimate stage. If you reach three and go past it, you're dead. Listen to me very carefully. EAT."
The doctor taps with his finger on the metal cover of his dish.
"Why…?"
In front of me there is another dish laid, also with a metal cover on it.
"Meshiagare."
The waiter makes a bow and leaves. i look at the metal cover of my plate, i don't see myself. i do not appear in the reflection. i look behind me, all that is in the background is reflected, except for me.
i hear the metal cover falling on the plate. i raise my eyes and the doctor is gone. The metal cover is falling in a strange way, like a coin that was spun but it has no more centrifugal force and it starts hitting with the side of it making a lot of loud obnoxious noise. The same way is the metal cover spinning. And it makes a lot of noise, and it's not stopping, it's in a continuous inertia.
People around stop from eating and talking and all turn towards me. Stare at me intently. It's a perfect silence, not even the waterfall can be heard anymore, just my metal cover. And the people are annoyed and disturbed by the noise, even the employees of the place. All look at me with such indignation on their faces.
i put my hand on the cover's handle and press down lightly, i stick it to the plate so it stops making noise. Everybody turns back to their shit and the constant murmur comes back to life, even the waterfall is falling again, now that i stopped my obnoxious noise. i look at the cover that i'm still holding down, and i'm pressing hard as if i'm trying to not let something beneath escape.
i see Him. In the reflection. It's the black shadow, bigger and scarier, with His dark tentacles that undulates, that grow, and His dark claw that comes for me to… i quickly raise the cover to not see it anymore. A note. That was under the cover. In the middle of the plate. A folded note. i take it and open it.
RUN
i hear the roar. It shook up the entire hall, but everybody keeps on with their activities, calm, unbothered. It's not for them to hear it, it's for me, to run. The cover of my plate starts moving. More and more violently, as if what's underneath is boiling, or tries to get out. i put my hand on this cover and press hard down, but i can't keep it in place. It moves even with my hand pressing down. i look at the note again. To run. To run why? Or from what? Didn't he told me just now that i should eat? i raise the cover.
A large octopus, it looks cooked, but it moves, this was moving the cover so violently. i don't know what to do. i grab a knife but i'm instantly grabbed by two tentacles. my skin is stinging at the contact with these tentacles. The octopus is getting bigger and bigger, and the tentacles that get from under its body seem to have no end. It grabs me by the other hand too and by my neck, by my body and my legs. i'm almost fully covered by these dark tentacles.
A black ink starts dripping slowly on me. Their defence system, but this ink is getting into my skin, through my veins and gets into my bloodstream. It continues flowing. And fast enough, i'm half covered in this ink. my arms, my chest, i even feel my face turning black. Like a gangrene, i feel that my meat is not mine anymore. i can't feel myself anymore. my body is not my body, it repulses me. It's someone else's body. It even got into my eyes. Black.
*
i can't see anymore. Was it Him? Where the ink touched, it wasn't mine anymore. As if i was losing control in front of it. Control over my body, control over myself, control over… my eyes start tearing up. i feel on my palm, drops that fall alert. i see the ground, leaves, branches and hands stained by something like ink. my tears, black drops that taint and stain all that touch. i'm sitting in a garden. i see the dark alley that i came from. And nowhere the restaurant. Why can't i stop crying?
i hear a friction noise, something that's scraping, i look at my feet. i see another stag beetle, this time a male, it has large horns. This one is scraping his horns on the sole of my shoe. It's trying to tear away the shell of the female crushed by the sole of my shoe. The beetle grabs with its horn a piece then it unsticks it from my sole so that it can place it on the ground, continuing this process relentlessly. And i just sit and wait, as long as it takes, still. i don't want to mess up his process. i don't want to stop him. i think of Sarah.
What if the beetle i stepped on and crushed and killed is for him, what Sarah is for me…? But as i see him working so hard to unstick all the pieces and then placing them on the ground so carefully… i don't want to think at how i'd feel if i'd be in his place. To unstick pieces of my Sarah's body, from the sole of a giant… i feel like a scum, a trash that doesn't deserve to live on this planet. i can't live as part of nature. i'm a destroyer. A creature that destroys the perfect balance of nature. A creature that hurts other creatures. A monster…
The male beetle stops suddenly. i look at my sole, there's nothing left on it. Now he stays above the pieces of the shell and the rests of the intestines and arranges them with his horns. He moves them left to right and vice versa. He arranges them, probably trying to reconstruct a bit of what was before, his Sarah. Another tear drops, and trickles down my cheek, i wipe it down, it's as black as before.
The beetle finished rearranging the pieces. The resulted shape is similar to what was before, before i crushed it. Some kind of insect, least some legs, and the head. Those probably remained stuck on the asphalt after i raised my foot. Together with the belly and the rest of the intestines. He can't even bury her right. Bury her fully.
He is now just standing over the shape of the body of his partner. He doesn't move one bit, doesn't do anything, but suffers. i can't keep looking at the results of my action. Even if i did nothing but being careless. i should've been careful! What if someone is too, careless with Sarah?!
i look at the two of them, i'm full of hurt and pain and rage and frustrations. i want to get up and crush the male beetle too. i want to crush him and wipe my foot on the ground, to make sure he's not suffering a second more. No, if i'd be in his place, i'd want to be crushed as fast as is possible. i'd want someone to crush my suffering, to end it. i can't… Why can't i do this to him? To do to him what i'd wish for me? i'm so weak…
i get up on my feet and run away. i get on the main street and start running towards my home. my home. Her.
Each contact of my sole with the asphalt, with each step, i step on my soul, i feel she is still there, his Sarah. i try to drag my foot across the ground, to rub it as hard as i can, to scrub off her, just to get rid of her, to forget her, to forget what happened, what i did. i stop. The sole is clean. But i…?
i pull out my phone and call Sarah instantly. She doesn't answer, i call her again, now it shows busy. i look at the time. i just now realise how much i've wandered on the streets. It will take me more than half an hour to get back home. i see the first free taxi and almost jump in front of it. He stops violently and i go to him and get in without even asking if he'll take me.
i interrupt the driver from his curses and tell him straight, loud and clear the address where to take me and i put 50 lei on the dashboard. He leaves. In ten minutes i get home, dart out of the taxi and climb like a beast all the stairs to George's apartment. i knock on the door frantically and without stop. i try the handle and the door opens. On the other side i see George and his sister, alerted by the noise that i did, looking at me shocked.
"Sarah?!"
George looks at his sister. She answers calm like i did not just killed that beetle's Sarah.
"She's not here."
i calm down a little, get my shoes off and enter my room. i want to know where she is, i pull out my phone and call her again. No answer. This can't be happening! i call her again. And again. A fourth time i get a message.
'I'm still at the doctor
I'll call you when I finish'
Ahhhh. i feel like i can breathe again. It's good. All is good. i look at the time, it's past two. Well at least she'll find me home… A knock on the door breaks me out of the numb state i was in.
"Yes."
The door opens, it's George.
"What are you doing?"
"i'm…i'm alright. i'm waiting for Sarah."
"you're… How, are you recovering?"
"i'm good…the wounds are healing. There's nothing, no problem…no complications."
"She told me…you know…about the tower."
i look scared at George. What does he want to say?
"What I want to say, I don't think you're well."
"George, please…"
"No, listen to me first. you, are not well now. I wasn't well either when you came for me, to fucking Brașov, to help me. And I'm sorry that you had to do this for me, I feel responsible for what is happening to you now. But still, you came after me, and you helped me, you stopped me from doing something stupid, and you almost paid with your life to do it."
"George, all that i did was to…was, pure chance."
"No, it wasn't, you helped me, you stole your dad's car and drove 200 kilometres. you knew."
"i couldn't have let you…"
"And I can't now, let you like this. you need my help, either if you want it or not. But tell me how please, let me help you."
i look at George. i don't know what to tell him. i don't know what is wrong with me. i don't know what is real or not. If i gone crazy… i'd like to know at least this…
"i…don't know what is happening with me."
"It doesn't matter, we'll see how we'll deal with this. Tell me at least what you know."
"i know, just that something is happening, something that is connected with everybody. Or just with me. But if i don't finish what i started… i can't know what is really happening and how to face it."
George is looking at me worried, without having an answer.
"A crazy man, in fact, i think, any man, to make his first step to healing, has first to recognize he has a problem. So he can discover what problem he has, so he can take measures to solve it. i…yet don't know."
"We'll find what problem you're having; you don't have to…"
"No. i yet don't know that i have a problem. That's why i have to finish what i started. So i could then figure out if i have a real problem, or not."
"Then tell me, and I'll help you with what you have to do. We do together."
"No matter how much i'd want everybody's help, and i want it, it is not possible for you to help me."
"Then tell me something that I can do, to help you. Help me help you."
Ah! i sit down on the bed and bend forward. i can't breathe from the pain. It's the stomach. It hurts me, the pain is infernal. i can't even breathe in air, as if, if i would inhale, it would get into the empty stomach, a sharp air that as soon as it would get in, it would disembowel me from the inside.
"Are you alright?"
Hunger. This is the help. i need something to eat. i'm dying.
"Please. i haven't eaten anything in…"
George grabs me by my underarm and gets me up from the bed. He fucked me up with this move. i felt my stomach stretching like a piece of dough and then ripping apart.
"Come and eat, we have so much food in the fridge. your mother cooked for twice that we are."
Dragged by George to the kitchen, he then sits me down at the table and goes to fridge to get out the food. The whole scene was like in a war film, in which i, bullet-riddled, am pulled from the line of fire by my best friend, and dragged to a house and sat somewhere to die peacefully, undisturbed by the battle that continues outside.
In front of me, on the table, a pot of food is smashed. i startle, as if a grenade just fell in front of me. George goes to the TV and turns it on. On the TV is running a show, i think Romanian. i recognize a few actors, and they all speak in Romanian.
George sighs, puts the pot of food back in the fridge, untouched, near a plate with omelette, also untouched, and takes out a plate with two stuffed peppers. He puts the plate on the table.
"Sarah put these for you two to eat. She couldn't eat without you. She was actually suffering from waiting for you to finally come back from who knows where…"
i look at the still untouched stuffed peppers. Fuck. George puts the plate in the microwave oven, he then turns it on and sits down at the table.
The TV seems to be showing a soap opera rather. The way the actors are playing and the cheap drama. The scene is now moved to the back of a house, at a garden table placed under the shade of a big tree. As i can figure from the dialogue, at the table are sitting two families, the ex-wife of one of the men, that is now with her new lover. The woman is young, but her lover has white hair and a white beard. He looks at least 60 years old. Still from the dialogue i figure that the woman is not working, the now lover is a doctor, and the ex-husband is a mechanic.
The other family is not that involved in the drama, they are the hosts, and they have a small child but which is not at the table with them.
"The boy is not coming to eat?"
"Eh, let him play, he'll come when he'll be hungry."
The old doctor grabs his beard and carefully caresses it intellectually. He then looks at the parents of the child.
"The kids, from young ages should be disciplined. A dinner is a dinner, and when the guest is eating, is nice for the host to join him, or her. It's a sign of respect and trust practiced for thousands of years in many traditions and many households. Otherwise, the guests would believe they were called there to be poisoned."
Mother seems a little worried by the remark, but the father laughs and answers.
"No body is being poisoned, my wife cooked, if I was the one cooking on the other hand, I would have let just you eat."
A nut hits the table. Everybody is startled and then look up at the tree. From the tree, a small boy falls brutally. Of course, at the TV it shows again how the boy falls, once with slow motion, and once more from a close-up to show how the kid hit his head against the table. There are some more sequences added with the reactions of each person at the table as they see the boy falling and hitting the table. And one final one with the boy falling, but in black and white and with different effects meant to highlight the drama. i don't know how someone could watch something like this. It's as if made especially to make fools of the viewers.
The microwave oven rings loud, George gets up and takes out the plate from the oven. He puts the plate with the two stuffed peppers in front of me and stabs one and puts it on his plate.
"Let's now enjoy this wonderful warm food your mother brought into our household."
i look at George, he laughs, i laugh too. But then i think about his apartment and how crowded it is these days.
"Hey, i know, now that i also brought Sarah on your head…"
"No, no, no. I don't want to hear any of that. you and your family brought…the family back into our apartment. It feels good, crowded as it is. My brother and sister, they are so happy having so many people around. We finally eat good, cooked food. And, I mean don't even mention it. It is more a favour for us than a favour for you. We have four rooms which now are finally used since we first moved here. It's not even…"
"Nooo! he's not moving! My baby is not moving! My baby, oh god! Help me."
i turn to the TV. Everybody is alarmed, on their feet, watching helplessly. This time, the kid, is me, my parents are instead of the actors, and my psychiatrist that i keep remember instead of the doctor. They have the same clothes though. The doctor even has a wig and a fake beard to look like the actor before. my father is looking desperately at the doctor.
"Doctor! You said you are a doctor. Please, help him. he's not moving anymore."
The doctor looks at the kid, analyses him and caresses his beard in an odd way.
"Yes, but I am doctor, of philosophy."
"Oh no!"
Mum is crying while holding me…holding the kid in her arms. The kid is still, not moving at all. he has his eyes open, but they don't move. They lack life.
"he's breathing. he's breathing but he's not moving at all, please help him, oh my god I'm dying. I'm dying here, please, help my son or I'll die!"
The doctor touches the kid and looks ahead, above the kid, as if looking into the distance.
"It is almost impossible for me to save this child anymore."
Dad gets closer and puts his hand on the doctor's shoulder.
"I beg you, this can't be such a unique case. How many kids have been through this, poor them…there must be some…"
Dad makes a cross and looks at the sky. He has his eyes full of tears.
"And they went through, they succeeded of course. I'm sure doctor, you can save this one too."
"No…"
The doctor speaks while looking at the horizon still. In the direction where the doctor is looking, appears a purple spot. The image gets a little shaken and the spot gets bigger and bigger. A spot like the one that appears on the screen when you stick a magnet to the TV.
"Your son…went through something unique in this universe. he…was crushed like an insect, then immediately was raised to the level of a god. Nobody in this universe! Went through this kind of transformation in a life. Let alone, in a night!"
The mother is lowering her head and starts crying. The magnet spot seems to be moving depending on the shot, so it stays always above me. The doctor looks straight at the spot. And it changes its colour instantly to pure black and starts moving. It turns towards me! Whole screen is black.
"Eat."
i turn to George, he had the remote in his hand.
"What are you looking at? you haven't even taken a bite from the pepper and it's getting cold."
i take the fork in my hand, open the pepper from the half and gather a bit of meat in the fork, then cut with the fork a bit of the pepper skin, so i could feel both of the tastes and then i look at the fork. i'm so hungry that i feel the walls of my stomach stuck one to the other. If i put this in my mouth, i'll puke. i don't know why, but this food makes me so sick, so nauseated, the food in general keeps giving me this sensation… Fuck this!
i put the fork in my mouth then i start chewing. i swallow slow, so slow as if i didn't chew at all. As if my throat is drier than the sand in Sahara. Once it passes the chest area, it falls right on the bottom of my stomach. i hear the piece of food whistling, like in cartoons when a bomb is falling towards a character. The way the whistle is longer and longer and louder. And the bomb is getting closer. And then it hits the bottom of my stomach where it explodes and scatters everywhere.
i continue eating, now that i managed to get past the first bite and all is good, i feel much stronger, much full of energy. i eat faster and faster, like the starved dog that i was for these last few days. George looks at me and at the way i'm eating.
"you want another one?"
"Mnoh, it's enough."
A piece of food falls out of my mouth as i answered him, but i don't let it touch the plate. i caught mid-air that falling piece with my bare hand and threw it back into my mouth. i can barely breathe. i take a split-second pause to let some air in and then continue. All this lasted less than 10 seconds. The plate is licked clean. The fork i abandoned at some point when i started using just my hands.
"Thanks, it was very…"
my mouth fills back with the food i just put into my stomach, followed by gastric juice. i cover my mouth quickly, to stop it from coming out and run to the bathroom. i passed by the sink in the kitchen, i don't know why i didn't stop there, and almost breaking the door i jumped on my knees in front of the toilet.
i threw out all of it. All that i just ate, all the pepper, all the meat and the tomato. Even the sauce. i felt my stomach transforming back into void, sticking the walls of it together as it pushed everything out. It hurts so bad that i want to just cut my abdomen with a knife and rip my stomach away. i look in the toilet and see a nasty vomit, red tinted. i get up and flush it down. i wash my hands and rinse my mouth with water and then i get out of the bathroom. George was waiting for me in the kitchen, sitting on his chair and looking at me.
"It was very, indeed."
"you want something else? What do you want to eat?"
"No more, i didn't threw it all out, it probably happened because i ate too fast."
my eyes are tearing up a little. i can still feel my dried-up tears from just before. i take a wet napkin and wipe my face. It turns black. i look at George, i don't understand how…how does he not see this? i hear the ring of my phone coming from my room. i run fast to take it. It's Sarah. i answer.
"Finally. i could've died and you still would've been at the consultation."
"Yes, we haven't talked to each other in sooooo much…"
"For me, it really was, sooooo much."
"If you say so. Are you home?"
"Yes. i just got now, i even ate, that much time has passed."
"Congratulations, I'm awed, you are a master of your time."
"Right…"
"Anyway, I'll get there in 15 minutes or so."
"Ok love, i'll wait for you holding my breath."
"Of, you're like a f…child. Alright, I'm leaving now."
"i love you."
"I love you too."
The call ends. i throw the phone on the bed and sit down. What do i do? i have to do something. i look around the room to see what do i still have here from my old room. i start walking and inspecting the stuff around, for the first time since i got here. i have my bag, there are books inside, and notebooks and pens and other school stuff. In the closet i see all my clothes waiting for me, not too many, and in another closet i see other books and objects and ornaments and my Rubik's cube and my laptop bag. i open it, i still have my laptop. And i thought they'd sell it, don't know why though… But they didn't have as much money trouble as i dreamt.
i put the laptop on the bed, i connect it to the socket and sit myself down. i open the laptop's screen and look through my emails. There's nothing special. To the right of the screen appears an ad with the Astronomic Observatory, the one i just saw today. It's the ad for the event this evening. Story interpreted for kids, "The story of Moon". On the screen comes up a pop-up ad with an old clock, the hands of which are going backwards, the countdown till the event.