"Get ahold of yourself, Dogwood," I muttered to myself. "None of this matters, you idiot. No one in the world cares how you're feeling. Millions of people are dead because of you, and you think you have the right to be sad about it? Stop crying, you pansy. Be a goddamn man."
The dam was broken, and I could not return to the way I was a moment before. For the first time in my life, my sins weighed down on me with suffocating force. All I could do was temporarily repress the emotions churning in my chest and throw a mask of self-control over the uncontrolled mess that I had become.
With the aid of three decades of practice, I was able to regain control of myself over the course of thirty seconds. Slowly, I lifted myself to my feet, wiped the tears from my eyes, and contorted my face into a look of muted disdain.
As I quietly brushed my hands through my hair, May Kauwin returned at a light jog with two men beside her. One wore the lab coat and blue scrubs of a medical doctor while the other wore the uniform of a commander in the S.A.F.
"Are you okay, Captain?" the doctor asked frantically.
"Yes," I said with a fastidiously maintained expression on my face. "I'm afraid all the excitement yesterday didn't agree with me. My stomach must have been unsettled by the acceleration."
"That's very understandable, Captain Dogwood," the man in the military uniform said. "Do you require any medical attention?"
"No, I feel better now," I lied. "Do you mind if we speak in private, Commander? There is something important I wish to talk about."
I tried to keep May in the periphery of my vision. When I looked directly at her, I saw nothing but the decaying corpse of an innocent child. Something had clearly gone wrong in my mind, and I was starting to hallucinate.
"Yes, Captain. Please come with me," the commander said, leading me deeper into the large vehicle assembly building.
We passed by a giant scaffold that held the half-constructed form of a Zaku. Half a dozen engineers stood on the multi-level structure girding the green giant. At first glance, the Zaku seemed identical to the models utilized at the Battle of Loum, but I knew better.
"On the left, you can see…" the Commander began to say, but I cut him off.
"That's the MS-06F, right?" I asked rhetorically in an attempt to find something to distract myself from the guilt. "You guys removed the anti-radiation shielding from the MS-06C and added a better fusion reactor. It'll run faster, but it can't carry nuclear warheads. I'm surprised you're already this far into the project."
"You did your research, Captain Dogwood."
Based on the completeness of the Zaku, they had been working on the MS-06F for quite a while. For one reason or another, Zeon had spent a few months preparing a non-nuclear mobile suit. If nuclear weapons were banned by the Antarctic Treaty, the MS-06F would become the main type of Zaku used by the Principality. I suspected that the Zabis had foreseen long ago that a ban on nuclear weapons would be implemented before the end of the war.
I recalled the offhand comment by May Kauwin about Project J. "You've also begun work on the MS-06J, a land-based variant of the MS-06F."
"That's right," the Commander said, peering at me out of the side of his eye.
"When did Project J start?" I asked as the Commander opened the door to an office. A nameplate that said CDR Elliot Rem had been screwed to the front of the door.
I recognized the name. He was one of the biggest players at Zeonic, and he had been developing mobile suits ever since they were making the MS-02.
"Three months ago," Commander Rem said. "It will enter production in a few weeks. With respect, Captain, how did you know about Project F and Project J? Even if you had the necessary clearance, there would be no reason for you to receive a briefing on the matter."
It was time for me to come up with another lie. I paused for a few seconds before saying, "If the peace talks fall through, they're probably going to put me in charge of a regiment or ship flotilla, so I did some research before I came here."
"Why are you here, then?" Rem said with his eyes narrowed in thought.
"I'll just get right down to it, then," I said. I took a seat in front of Commander Rem's desk, and he sat down a moment later. "I'm here because I have a proposition for Zeonic. Our only chance at winning the war is our technological advantage, and we can't afford to squander that. With that in mind, I think it is imperative that we pursue a policy of standardization in our mobile suits. I call it the United Maintenance Plan, UMP for short, and I sincerely believe with all of my heart that this is the best path forward for mobile suit development."
My hands began to gesture passionately as I said, "If Zeonic could create a single standardized scaffold for mobile suit development, then the different parts could be swapped at will. This would allow for a wider array of available armaments for Zaku pilots, easier training, and easier design advancement in the future."
"Well said," Commander Rem said, "but you don't have to convince me. Everyone at Zeonic knows that we should be pursuing standardization, but you would need approval from the Supreme Commander himself for such a project."
"That's my intention," I said with forced calm. "I will bring my plan for the UMP to Gihren and Admiral M'Quve. What I want from you is a few engineers to draft a preliminary draft of what the UMP would even look like. That way, I'd have something to show the Supreme Commander."
Commander Elliot Rem paused for a few seconds before reaching into a drawer in his desk. "Hmm," he murmured as he flipped through some papers. "Ah! Yes, I think I can do that. One of the R&D teams is available right now. Here," he handed me a map of Zeonic HQ. "Talk to Dr. Bertrand Olivier. He should be in Building C right now. I'm sure his team can draft something up for you."
"Thank you," I said with a smile, grabbing the map and standing up from my seat.
As I went to leave, Rem said, "I'm sorry to say this, Captain, but you shouldn't get your hopes up. Zimmad would need to work with us, and we have been on poor terms ever since Zeonic won the contract to produce the MS-05 and the MS-06. If Zimmad signed on to this deal without a mobile suit contract of their own, it would assure the company's eventual bankruptcy."
"I understand," I said without really paying attention to Rem's words. "Thank you for your help."
I stepped out of the large central structure, which was apparently called Building A. After taking a few steps, I shakily brought a cigarette to my lips and lit it with my steel flip lighter. I fell against the stone wall and almost collapsed to the ground. Breathing as if I was engaged in some strenuous physical activity, I leaned my head against the wall.
It took me nearly five minutes to wrestle the professional mask back over my face. I just had to talk to Dr. Olivier, and then I could go home and have my mental breakdown in peace.