As Rowan stared at the towering figure of Champion Gundyr, he couldn't help but curse his luck.
"Oh, fuck my life," he muttered. "If I'd known that at some point in this new life I'd be playing Dark Souls: Real Life Edition, I might've told Don 'no' and let him send me to hell or whatever. But nooo, I just had to say yes. Just had to get a new life."
He sighed bitterly. "Instead of flirting with cute girls or being some kind of hero, I get curb-stomped by a Dark Souls boss. Great."
Done with his internal rant, Rowan psyched himself up and charged Gundyr.
That turned out to be a mistake.
Still struggling against the restraints of the trial, Rowan was far too slow. Before he could even get near his opponent, the massive halberd cleaved him in half.
Death was, at least, instantaneous.
He awoke to the sound of Sora's cackling laughter.
"Wow!" she snorted. "I don't think anyone in actual Dark Souls died to him that quickly. What were you thinking? Charging in like a dumbass?"
Before Rowan could retort, Nikolai chimed in, voice calm and cutting. "Yes, Rowan. I must agree. What possessed you to charge directly at an opponent three times your size, completely unarmed, with inferior mobility? You knew he had a weapon that could reach you before you could even get within spitting distance."
Rowan opened his mouth, then closed it. He looked over to Bancho for support—only to see the gorilla-delinquent hang his head, cover his face with one hand, and give a slow thumbs-down.
Rowan sighed. "You're right. I wasn't thinking at all."
"We know," Sora and Nikolai said in unison.
"Start again," Nikolai added, tapping his pocket watch in a sing-song tone.
Rowan groaned. "Well, at least I don't have to go through the obstacle cour—" He stopped, eyes widening in horror as he saw it stretch out before him once more. "Oh, come the fuck on."
"Time's wasting," Nikolai calmly said.
Grumbling, Rowan restarted the trial. This time, he cleared the obstacle course in one go and returned to the arena. He approached Gundyr cautiously.
That caution turned out to be a mistake.
As soon as Gundyr sensed Rowan's presence, he shot forward like a cannonball, his massive halberd raised for an overhead strike. Rowan barely leapt out of the way in time—the weapon crashed into the ground with such force that the resulting shockwave hurled debris in all directions.
Chunks of stone slammed into Rowan midair, sending him flying before he even had a chance to brace. He hit the arena wall hard, the impact knocking the air out of his lungs.
"Fuck..." he groaned, pain radiating through his back as he staggered to his feet.
But he didn't have time to complain. A massive shadow fell over him. Rowan looked up, eyes widening in horror.
Gundyr had launched himself into the air, halberd held high, descending like a meteor.
With every ounce of strength he had left, Rowan dove out of the way just in time. The warrior landed like a comet, his halberd crashing down with such force it shook the entire arena. The shockwave from the impact blasted Rowan across the battlefield once again.
Angry now—and feeling more like a human pinball than a warrior—Rowan twisted mid-air, using the momentum to realign himself. He landed on his feet in a way he hoped looked graceful… but probably didn't.
No time to dwell on it.
Seizing the initiative, he charged. As Gundyr recovered from the landing, Rowan ducked under a sweeping swing of the halberd, circling toward the warrior's off-hand side. He managed to get behind him—just enough of an opening to try something.
Roaring with effort, Rowan wound up for a punch aimed directly at the center of Gundyr's spine.
But the warrior didn't need to see him.
Without even looking, Gundyr lashed out with his foot. It connected squarely with Rowan's chest, and the world went white with pain.
Bones shattered. Organs ruptured. Death came instantly.
Once again, he woke up at the start.
Looking back, he saw Sora, Nikolai, and Bancho holding up scorecards—all reading -10.
"Really? Are you guys that petty?"
"Apparently," Sora said, smirking.
Not letting them get to him, Rowan tackled the course again. He cleared it more easily this time. The restraints didn't feel as heavy as before. He wasn't back to full mobility, but he was closer. This time, he managed to dodge Gundyr's initial swing and close the distance. Rowan tried his best but got clobbered again, dying once more.
Rowan woke up—again.
Back at the start, he found the trio still holding up scorecards: Sora and Nikolai with -9, Bancho with -6.
Rowan smiled slightly. "Hey, thanks bud. At least you have some faith in me—unlike some people," he added pointedly at Sora.
Bancho looked at his scorecard, confused. Then, realization dawned. He flipped it around. It was also a -9.
Rowan's smile died. "Y'all are a bunch of assholes," he muttered, heading off to start the course again.
This time, he breezed through with little effort, landing in the arena once more. He cautiously approached Gundyr and successfully dodged the first swing.
Taking advantage of the small window of opportunity he had after the assault, Rowan threw a vicious stamp kick to the side of his opponent's left knee, causing the warrior's stance to collapse and opening him up for a critical blow. Activating his normal punch skill, Rowan sent his fist straight into Gundyr's face. The huge warrior staggered back, bleeding profusely—clearly hurt.
After many deaths, Rowan was beginning to see a pattern in his opponent's actions that left short windows of opportunity. His ability to analyze his opponent's movements had leaped to another level throughout this training, and it was finally paying off.
A couple more hits like that, he thought to himself.
But then something happened that he didn't expect.
The huge warrior let out a primal roar that made Rowan's spine tingle. Rowan saw his opponent's eyes glow red—as if filled with fury and hatred.
Rowan barely had time to react before Gundyr grabbed his halberd and launched himself at Rowan with speed and fury unlike anything he had displayed before. An overhead cut came at Rowan, and he barely sidestepped it. Instead of the halberd hitting the ground like usual when it missed, it changed direction. Mid-cut, as it was heading downward, Gundyr suddenly twisted his whole body, throwing all his weight into a side cut—wanting to cut Rowan in half.
Rowan threw his body on the ground, barely avoiding it, and then threw himself at his opponent's exposed side as the momentum of the swing forcibly turned the warrior's body. But he was too eager, and this mistake almost cost him his life. Instead of fighting against the momentum, the warrior spun with it, bringing the halberd around in a side cut from the opposite side as he let the momentum pivot his entire body full circle.
Realizing his mistake just in time, Rowan jumped and used his opponent's lead knee as a springboard to leap far away.
Just as he thought he had managed to escape the lethal combo, Gundyr unexpectedly slightly loosened his grip mid-swing—while still maintaining control of his weapon—causing the weapon to slide forward just a few inches before he retightened his grip.
Rowan's eyes went wide with horror as he realized that his opponent's range had just changed mid-attack.
And he once again felt the horrible pain of being sliced in half—as well as the bitter taste of failure.
For what felt like the hundredth time, Rowan awoke at the start.
This time, the trio sat in front of him in cushy chairs, sipping tea and eating snacks. How a gorilla dressed like a delinquent could drink tea like a proper gentleman without it looking weird, Rowan would never understand.
They noticed him, smiled, and held up new scorecards: -5.
"Hey!" Rowan grinned. "That's a big jump! I went up four points!"
Sora giggled. "Look at him. He's so proud of that, like it's actually impressive."
"Please don't take this from me," Rowan pleaded, dragging himself to his feet and heading back toward the obstacle course.
This time, he crushed it—reaching the arena in two minutes flat. With determination burning in his eyes, Rowan stood to face Gundyr once more, determined to finish this.