The game was afoot. Dark Rizzard Hugo commenced his infiltration, enrolling in University and aiming to draw closer to Bob and his research. Bob didn't know about this nor did he really care, since he was aiming to make it big to commence the next part of his plan and most likely wouldn't brook any distractions. Sally meanwhile was striding step by step along her Ice Queenly Path whilst watering her plants…
___
Meanwhile…
The author, dressed in ragged, sooty clothing was chilling on the streets, shamelessly begging for power stones and human interaction via emojis and gifs, when he suddenly choked as he was sipping on his 7-Evans $1 tea.
This was because a man in a dirty cape, pants that had a strange wet patch at the front and chattering teeth came up to the street and had started spouting some nonsense.
Indeed. It was the chaplain-turned-icypole, Reverend Eli.
"Author, please, I can't die yet! Please keep writing about me in a future chapter. You know the reason why!"
Author sighed. "Relax, Rev. You and me go way back - Chapter 5 yeah - but are you sure you want to stay in the story? You just failed the mission, so your old… (there was a slight pause here) flame Doris is gonna be p***ed."
Reverend swallowed, his face blanching with the chill of fear. But he resolutely resolved his resolution.
"This… he gritted his teeth, is something I must do!!!"
Author thought for a second. "All right. But uh, before you go, can you help me pick up the powerstones those amazing top tier readers dropped off so I can buy more ramen?"
"..."
____
After the Reverend had been carted off in the ambulance, a lot of things had happened.
"Stay with us mate!!! Don't go to sleep!!!"
"He's already an icypole!!!"
"Why is there a wet patch on his pants, has he wet himself?!"
"It smells funny…"
"He's going into shock!!"
"Bruh, after reading about that wet patch so much, I'm going into shock!!!"
*Please stand clear*
"Shocking in 3, 2, 1… "
Bzzztttt ~
Bleep… bleep… bleepppppppppppp…
Despite their best resuscitation attempts, the heart monitor had flatlined, the doctors shook their heads regretfully whilst consoling themselves by riffling their hard earned dollar bills, and the Reverend had been quickly tossed into a coffin, and buried.
Yet.
Not all was as it seemed.
Deep beneath the earth, a ring on the reverend's finger glowed brightly, before fading and shattering into scattered energy particles. This was a sacred artifact which had shielded him from immediate death, instead cutting his hit points to 1hp and putting him into a deep, death-like state of slumber until he might one day be awoken…
___
"You have got to be f***ing kidding me…"
Doris scowled at author.
Author shrugged. "Hey, it's your call. You want in or not? I suppose I can try to write you a hectic backstory too if you'd like."
Doris paced around a little, her walking stick striking the ground with little clips of emotion, before sighing. "Oh all right. The things we do for love…"
___
Later that night…
Doris silently crept to the graveyard, and hoisted herself over the fence like a ninja, shovel in hand, no small feat considering her 96 years of age. There were ominous cracking sounds as some of her… cartilage shattered from the impact of the landing, but after uttering some curses, and several deftly wrapped compression bandages later and a touch of duct tape, she was good to go.
Her beady eyes quickly scanned the cemetery until she found what she was looking for.
*Excerpt from Reverend Eli's tombstone, obtained from top secret investigation security footage after the police later arrived at the scene…*
RIP
Reverend Eli
1823-2063
is approximately the amount of dollars this man paid to Derek, his yoga instructor who funded this $5 tombstone as part of his premium student perks package deal.
In memoriam
You were always Revvin, Eli, truly a man who left it all dangling out bro. A man who came before his time. Your pants got wet but we won't forget. Your thirst for life led you to burst your pipe, and in the end, you forgot to wipe. But still, your premium subscription would be remembered. For you who are reading this, check out Derek-yoga-online yeah? Inner Peace out, Derek.
Doris sighed. That fool. He never had gotten around to showing her that 'hidden technique' that he had promised he would, that night as they sat under the honeysuckle all those blood moons ago. She raised her shovel and began to dig. Before long, there was a large mound of dirt next to the tombstone, and with superhuman strength, she leapt down frock and all, threw the coffin up onto the ground, before prising it open with a scornful "Humph!"
The Reverend was still in his icypole state, his hands clasped across his chest as if in prayer, nevertheless, his expression still held a firm resolve of peaceful conviction, as if he were waiting for a miracle and knew that it would inevitably come.
Doris had read the stories, so she knew what to do. Without thinking too much about what she was actually doing in order to preserve both her and the esteemed reader's sanity, she leaned down, closed her eyes, and placed her wrinkled lips on the Reverend's cold clammy ones…
[Disclaimer: Doris and the Reverend are… special cases in a fictional novel. Emulation of or simulation of any of these acts are not recommended. This novel is not liable for any permanent mental trauma due to the reading of this scene…].
The Reverend gasped as he opened his eyes.
He was immediately filled with emotion, and a kind of… old, yet intriguing taste on his lips.
"El, You have some explaining to do…"
Doris took his wizened hand in her own, a hand on which one could see a ring, which appeared to look a perfect complementary match to Reverend Eli's own…
___
63 years ago…
"Doris!!!"
"Eli! What are you doing?" The pretty girl glanced up from her bed. Although her complexion was pale, her eyes were filled with warmth and radiance.
"I-I came to see you."
The boy looked around shyly, with his hands behind his back, which were holding a bunch of roses. He had mowed 673 lawns, washed 925 cars and done 568 newspaper delivery runs in order to save up the money for this moment, but he knew it was the least he could do.
"How are you feeling?"
"The doctors aren't saying much." Her clear eyes were still bright, putting on a calm, brave face that masked her internal grief.
Eli handed her the roses.
"Oh! They're beautiful… Thank you El~"
Eli took out a box, which contained a ring. "It's okay. I know. The doctors told me everything." He struggled to contain his surging emotions.
But even so…
"There's no one else in the world for me."
"Will you… be mine?"
Amidst the tears, although whether they were of joy or sorrow it was unknown - a nod, racked with uncontrolled sobbing.
The boy places the ring on her delicate, frail and slender fingers…
Before asking the girl to do the same for him…
*sometime after a tender embrace*
"Um… anyway, did I tell you on the way here, I met an interesting old person… we started talking and after they heard the situation, they gave me this and said I should give it to you…"
He handed over the faded tome, a dusty grimoire that radiated with powerful energy. Upon opening the blank cover, in rippling gold lettering, the following words could be seen…
"How to live longer by becoming a vessel of the Seven Deadly Sins…"
___
In the graveyard, Eli had bent onto one knee, as he held Doris' wrinkly hands in his own looking up at his goddess with shining eyes.
"My lady," he spoke eyes glimmering, earnest and filled with passion. "Thank you… From this day forth, this unworthy life is yours."
Doris shook her head and sighed, since she knew that he knew she would come to save his sorry *ss but even so… what else could she do?! but retort helplessly:
"Well there's not a lot left of that, is there?!"
"C'mon, let's get out of here…"
With her shovel slung over her shoulder, the Reverend still wearing his trousers with the wet patch at the front, the couple reminisced about the good old days and looked forward to the new, as they waltzed out of the graveyard hand in hand.
___
2hrs later…
Inspector Ross had arrived on the scene with his flashlight. He had been looking forward to grabbing a beer and playing his favourite game, Womb Raider - Elara Croft never got old, come on baby!!! - when he had gotten the news that there had been a serious crime committed - indeed, the caller had described it, quite clearly, as a… grave… robbery.
(Reader, wiping his mouth after vomiting more dribbles of power stones: "bruh, stop, stop I- I can't… I-I'm dying!!!")
The constable-turned-inspector flashed his stick… of light as he surveyed the scene, which clearly revealed a hole, a mound of dirt, and an empty coffin.
To make matters worse, he *recognized* the name on that tombstone…!!!
*a lot of swearing later*
"You *cannot* be serious!!! What the hell happened here?!?!?!?!?!"