Dasch: what another day.
Dude: not when it's my birthday.
Dasch: where's the party.
Dude: where's my gift.
Dasch: you gotta invite to the party first.
Dude: i don't like how that works.
Dasch: you can't really change that rule.
Dude: i want gifts first. i'm disrupting birthday culture. it's time for innovation.
Dasch: there's reason it has been that way forever. don't you wonder why.
Dude: just like people buy tickets to movies. they gotta buy me gifts first. they can't enter without any.
Dasch: you gotta have a party so that you can invite them first. then they'll buy the gifts on their way.
Dude: so my party has to be ready when they come with gifts ready in their hands.
Dasch: telling them it's your birthday won't simply make them buy gifts.
Dude: it kinda sucks i have to throw a party just to collect my gifts. it's my birthday. so it should be all for me. i shouldn't have to spend money.
Dasch: you seriously have wrong idea of birthdays. it's so selfish and spoiled that it's probably better you don't do the birthday.
Dude: why can't i just get what i want on my birthday. what's the whole point if it doesn't let me do that.
Dasch: the whole point is that you're missing the whole point. and so your birthday is pointless at this stage.
Dude: this is just a total bomber. i don't like birthdays anymore. even when it's mine. even less for others, of course.
Dasch: actually, what even makes you so deserving for so many gifts tailored spotlessly to your ginormous ego?
Dude: let me ask you this. have you seen my ego with your own eyes.
Dasch: i'm seeing one right now. no doubt.
Dude: see. it's never ginormous. it's just size of me. that's all. you're blowing things up.
Dasch: it's nothing to do with how large you appear to be actually. it's everything to do with your messed up attitude. you have no idea how far away you're from any gifts at all. just hear yourself out even just a tiny bit. you treat your birthday like giftmongering business. there is nothing celebratory about your birthday. you want gifts so bad that you forget to sing birthday for yourself.
Dude: with all your heart and conscience, have you ever heard any good birthday songs. they're nonexistent. they're better left unheard. not interested in that lousy mess of disharmony. not even least bit. i don't want my hearing to go sour. lose my longevity especially on day i was very born. why would anyone want to gang up in a circle around birthday hero. cry their lungs out to hurt 'em in the middle. there's nothing birthday about this. it's mobster gang bullying. making birthday hero wear silly looking cone hats to make fun of 'em to the deepest core.
Dasch: the more i hear you misdescribe birthday, the more my heart is broken for you. perhaps you do deserve all the gifts. seeing how you've never seemed to have experienced any proper birthday. after all these years of misunderstanding, it maybe is absolutely urgent and foremost you get what you want finally. not for any of the reasons you spelled and preached out to me. i cannot overstate the magnitude of what dire need you are in for mental revive and cleansing. i didn't know what kind of unrecoverable, inestimable lunatic nutjob you are. last but not least, happy forever birthday. regretfully, i don't wish to worsen you. but had i seen this coming. you would have gotten your gift.
Dude: i don't get all that much you're saying. that's besides the point anyways. so continue on about the gift. what would it have been? or, is it on its way.
Dasch: at this point of no return, i'm clueless what it should've been. i literally can't think of anything for you. you deserve all the gifts i know. but what they are supposed to be. i acknowledge my limit.
Dude: gifting isn't that hard like i said. you haven't been paying attention all that much it seems. dumb, dumb. what matters is i just get 'em without throwing parties. no cake, no singing, no funny hat wearing. skip all of that. get all the gifts to my doorstep.
Dasch: i know we've been speaking for some period now. however, you are aware i'm just a dog who can't wander outside and purchase a gift.
Dude: i can't believe none came so far. even from you. of all people i actually keep in touch, how could you, living very next door as my neighbor, come up with stupid excuse and have no gift for me.
Dasch: dude, i know you're crushed pretty bad. still, you forget that i'm just a dog. me got no wallet, no dime, no bills.
Dude: you know what boggles me the most. that you didn't even give it a try. that you just accepted your limitations as a dog. i thought you were more than that as my chat nemesis. i don't talk to just anyone. i took my chance to deem you as my equal. maybe it was all delusion and miscalculation on my end. after all, you were just a dog. what a joke this is. all this time i've been talking to a mere dog who has no decency or respect to buy a gift for his enemy.
Dasch: well, dear birthday hero, let's turn the table for once. when is my birthday.
Dude: i was gonna ask you that when you give me your gift.
Dasch: no, i don't even want you to know my birthday. where is my gift.
Dude: dude, are you crazy. you can't demand any gift when it's not even your birthday. that makes no sense. no birthday no gift.
Dasch: okay well then. where is your birthday?
Dude: it's today.
Dasch: no i asked where is your birthday. where can i touch, see, and smell it? i don't care when it is, i need to a tangible proof of your birthday.
Dude: it's right here today. here you got it.
Dasch: no, i don't got nothing. you can't just talk and talk. this is no make belief. you're shitting bogus hogwash with your words.
Dude: well, screw your gifts and my birthday whereabouts. my birthday is where gifts are.
Dasch: no. gifts go where the birthday is. you have no birthday so no gifts. it's over. pray all you want. hope you at least get an answer.
Dude: what.
Dasch: "where is the birthday"
Dude gets up and steps towards Dasch. Dasch backsteps and finds himself at the front of the door. Dude eyes Dasch and slowly pushes the door.
Dude: party over.
The door closes. Dasch turns, heads to the living room, and stretches out on the floor yawning.
Dasch: what a party.