The sun shone kindly on the remote island that had somehow become the new home for a chaos of crossover characters. Birds chirped, waves gently crashed against the shore, and somewhere nearby, a patrol was happening—or more accurately, attempting to happen.
Kazuma Sato trudged forward, dragging his feet along the path carved between palm trees and tropical brush. Behind him followed three human incarnations of disaster: Megumin, Darkness, and Power.
He sighed deeply, as if trying to exhale the burden of his entire group.
"Why me? Why always me? I could be inside napping. Or pretending to help Senku. But no. I got assigned the suicide squad."
--- Flashback ---
Saiki stated. "Everyone will be assigned accordingly
Shadow and his Cult, Rudues and Frieren, Kusuke personally asked for Light, and hmm.
Kazuma, you should be able to handle dumber than you."
--- Present ---
Power skipped along the path like a child on too much sugar. "Kazuma! There's a squirrel in that tree! I demand permission to eat it!"
Kazuma stopped. "No. You are not eating a squirrel."
Power scowled. "But it's got shifty eyes! It twitched! Only a traitor would twitch!"
Megumin twirled her staff dramatically. "If it's a traitor, I shall annihilate it with Explosion!"
He spun around. "No explosions! No punching! No masochism! This is a patrol, not a declaration of war on island wildlife!"
Darkness giggled, blushing like she always did when told "no." "Kazuma, when you shout at us like that... I can't help but feel excited. Such tight command. I'll accept any punishment you deem fit."
Kazuma's eye twitched. "You're not helping. You never help."
Power suddenly broke into a sprint toward the brush. "I FOUND A CAT FIGHTING A BIRD! I MUST JOIN IN!"
Kazuma grabbed at the air. "Power, stop! That's not your business!"
"I am the business!"
Megumin raised a finger in the air. "Kazuma, if you let me just cast Explosion one time, this entire problem would solve itself. One kaboom—no more screaming, no more squirrels."
"Yeah, and no more us. That's not a solution, that's a crater."
Darkness eagerly stepped forward. "If Megumin explodes us, I will shield you, Kazuma. My armor will shatter, but I will embrace the suffering."
He blinked slowly. "You say that like that's supposed to be reassuring."
She smiled proudly. "I'm glad you noticed."
Kazuma turned around, pressing his face into his hands. "What did I do in a past life to deserve this group? Was I a war criminal? Did I jaywalk in a sacred temple?"
Power returned, proudly holding up a crab. "Look! I wrestled this beast and won!"
"That's a hermit crab," Kazuma said, exhausted.
"I knew it was a spy."
As Kazuma prepared to sit on a nearby log and question every life decision he'd ever made, Power dumped the hermit crab into Megumin's hat and shouted, "New mascot!"
Megumin stared at the crab, unblinking. "It shall be my familiar. I shall name it... Kamekichi III."
Darkness clapped her hands. "Kamekichi the third... what a regal title!"
Kazuma stared up at the sky.
"Please... if any god is watching. Smite me. Right here. I'm ready."
Kazuma finally returned to the island compound after what felt like years of spiritual erosion. He collapsed face-first onto the couch, ignoring Power chasing Megumin in the background while Darkness tried to convince a coconut tree to fall on her "to test her limits."
He needed a break. A real break. His eyes landed on a sleek black laptop, sitting unattended on the coffee table.
"Just five minutes," he muttered. "Just one game. I deserve that much."
He didn't check whose it was. He just popped it open, hoping to numb his soul with something brainless. Unfortunately, what he found was anything but.
The moment the screen turned on, it displayed a folder labeled: [DO NOT OPEN OR DIE].
"Bold of them to assume reverse psychology doesn't work on me," Kazuma said, already double-clicking.
Inside were documents, videos, photos. Names, timelines, buildings… even multiverse trajectory predictions. And one particularly cursed file labeled: "Total Annihilation Protocol – Tier Makima."
His face paled. "Oh no. Oh no no no—"
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"
Power burst into the room.
Kazuma slammed the laptop shut so fast he probably cracked the screen. "N-Nothing! I wasn't doing anything!"
Power tilted her head. "That's Makima's laptop."
Kazuma froze. "Say what now... Im done for."
Desperately, he tried to reopen it to delete any traces of his snooping. The screen glitched. Then it blacked out. A high-pitched crack echoed from the hinge.
Blue screen of death appeared.
The screen stayed dark.
He broke it.
"No one saw that. No one will ever know."
Makima appeared behind him like a horror movie ghost.
"I know," she said flatly.
Kazuma screamed internally.
She walked toward him. "Out of all the laptops on this island… you broke mine."
"I didn't know it was yours!" he yelped, holding it up. "You should've labeled it better!"
"I did," she said coldly. "It says Makima in six languages on the bottom, and there's a cursed seal preventing unauthorized access."
Kazuma looked down. The cursed seal was glowing. His hands started smoking.
"Let me explain," Kazuma began, but Makima raised a hand. "Save it. There's a court trial pending anyway."
He blinked. "...For who?"
Makima smiled. "All of us. Because thanks to you, none of our official existence documents got sent in time. The ones I had on that laptop were the last copies."
---
Scene Transition: Courtroom of Chaos
All characters except Saiki sat in the audience, dressed in suspiciously clean formal wear. A massive courtroom had been constructed by Ryusui and Senku overnight, complete with gold-trimmed walls, microphones, and one-way glass observation rooms.
A TV flickered in a mysterious room across the multiverse, where a figure watched silently. He sipped his drink. "...Is that Itadori? That brat is here too?"
The camera panned past Gojo standing beside Nobara and Choso, past Megumin brushing her staff, past Denji scratching his head, to a very out-of-place Kazuma sitting like a punished schoolboy.
---
--- Flashback ---
Makima had gathered the entire group earlier that morning.
"Kazuma broke the one laptop holding the last backup of our existence documents."
Everyone gasped.
"Hey! Who just leaves a laptop with government-destroying data out in the open?!" Kazuma argued.
"I dont know. Want Saiki to use psychometry on it?" Makima explained.
"He said no," Denji objected.
"He's been quiet ever since we tried asking him about death timelines," Subaru muttered.
"We're all going to die," Denji and Subaru whispered in sync.
They got subpoenaed that afternoon. A letter arrived from the Central Japan Court of Order.
Denji and Subaru gave Kazuma pitiful stares and handed him a bouquet.
Subaru sniffled. "Farewell, friend. You get to be the first one deleted from this world."
"Wait… Makima didn't mean death, right?" Kazuma asked nervously.
Makima calmly pointed at Kazuma with a gun hand gesture and fired.
It missed. It went through seven walls with perfect precision.
On the other side of the island, Senku stared at the hole where his coffee once was. "...My coffee…"
---
Back to the Courtroom
Kazuma sat with fake drool sliding down his chin, pretending to be braindead.
Rudeus had suggested the idea. "Makima didn't say he had to be actually brain-dead. Just act like it."
Now, Kazuma blinked slowly, hands limp in his lap. Subaru and Denji watched with admiration.
"He's doing it," Subaru whispered.
"He looks like an idiot. So realistic," Denji nodded.
"I can hear you both," Kazuma hissed.
"Shhh. Braindeads don't talk."
Yuji took the stand.
"I can confirm his brain damage. He stares at women's thighs now like they're ancient artifacts. He's... mentally challenged."
Kazuma screamed mentally.
The jury leaned in.
Makima stood and addressed the court. "Despite all that's happened, our team has secured countless anomalies. All thanks to the efforts of myself, Gojo Satoru, and Rudeus Greyrat. But I admit... the incident with the laptop was unfortunate."
The opposition sneered. "Ever since your group arrived, surrounding those who have caused casualties."
Makima tilted her head. "So you'd rather let dangerous anomalies roam free? We've captured multiple threats already."
The opposition pointed a long, bony finger. "Then explain him."
All eyes turned to Kazuma.
Kazuma drooled extra hard. His face twitched.
"He doesn't belong. He contributes nothing. He looks like a background character."
Makima took a long pause. "He's braindead."
The crowd gasped.
silence.
--- Flashback ---
Makima pulled Kazuma aside hours earlier.
"You will pretend to be braindead."
"Why not just say I was replaced by a shapeshifter?! Or give me a cool backstory?!"
"Too much paperwork. Now act like a moron, or I actually make you one."
--- Final Verdict Scene ---
The judge slammed their gavel. "Very well. Given his condition, he is not accountable for any damages. Case dismissed."
Everyone cheered. Kazuma wept bitterly inside.
Backstage, Subaru and Denji high-fived. "We win!"
Kazuma wiped fake drool from his face. "I will destroy you both."
Yuji hugged Kazuma. "I forgive your perverted brain. Let's be friends."
Kazuma blinked.
"I hate this universe. Why must i go under trial no matter where I am?"
Saiki watching in the background.
Yeah, and I have to deal with all of you.
---
End.