As the car bounced down the road heading toward the forest, I finally asked the question that had been bugging me since we left HQ.
"Okay, serious question," I said, leaning forward. "Why us? We're a bunch of high schoolers. Rhea hasn't even turned in her history homework. Why not send a squad of Bruno clones instead?"
Bruno let out a deep chuckle from the front seat. "Flattered, kid. But you don't want too many of me running around. The world's not ready for that much awesome."
Michael turned slightly in his seat and grinned. "Two reasons, bro. First, experience. Missions like this are considered low-risk, so it's perfect training for us junior agents. Fieldwork without, you know, instant death. Usually."
"Great," I muttered. "Love that 'usually.' Very comforting."
"Second," he continued, " special kids are rare."
Bruno cut in. "And what he meant . You think zombies, demons, void creatures, or chaos frogs care about military-grade rifles? Nah. They eat bullets like popcorn. But your weird little spirit weapons? Those actually work."
Then he added, more seriously, "Guns can still take down smaller monsters if you aim right—or if you just shoot a lot. But for the real threats? You kids are the game-changers."
I blinked.
"Wait. Are you telling me your gun is basically for show?"
Bruno shrugged.
"Not just for show. It's really loud. And it looks cool."
Michael nodded.
"Don't underestimate the intimidation factor."
"Right," I said.
"So I'm basically the magical version of a bug zapper."
Rhea gave me a thumbs-up.
"Exactly. Now lean into it."
I leaned back in my seat, still processing. So the monsters weren't afraid of guns… but they were afraid of high schoolers with chaotic magical side quests and inventory space?
That felt about right, honestly.
---
Bruno parked the monster-truck-sized SUV at the edge of a clearing. The trees here looked… off. Like they were glitching slightly, leaves twitching like bad pixels.
"Anomaly's close," he said, tapping the dashboard screen. "It's underground."
Of course it is.
We followed a faint green glow to a half-buried manhole. I looked down and saw the flickering shape of an old neon sign: "WarpZone eCafe"—except the e was upside-down and the Cafe part kept glitching into Cave.
Michael raised an eyebrow.
"This looks cursed."
Rhea nodded.
"Cursed and tacky."
Ding!
New Quest:
Cleanse the Goblin Gamer Den.
Objective: Defeat the Pixelated Boss and secure the anomaly.
Rewards: EXP, Loot, Possible Respect from Bruno (unlikely).
We climbed down.
The tunnel opened into what was once clearly a late-90s internet café. Rows of dusty monitors hummed softly. Neon lights flickered overhead. Empty cans of "Mana Rush" and "Orc Dew" littered the floor.
Then came the sounds:
Smashing keys.
Squeaky laughter.
An unhealthy amount of pew pew noises.
A goblin with gamer goggles and a hoodie spotted us. He screeched and banged on an ancient CRT monitor.
"INTRUDERS! GET THE RAID PARTY!"
More goblins emerged. They had glowing mousepads for shields and keyboards strapped to their backs like swords. One even had a printer taped to his chest like armor.
"Okay, I was not emotionally prepared to be attacked by eSports rejects," I muttered, stepping back as a goblin with a mouse cord wrapped around his head screeched and flung an empty soda can at me.
Bruno readied his rifle but muttered, "These types glitch out if you shoot them. Your turn, spirit squad."
I reached into my inventory and whoosh... out came my trusty (and only mildly rusty) baseball bat. Still a little chipped, still perfectly questionable.
"Batter up," I said.
Rhea, with all the grace of a girl who'd snap a goblin's spine and then compliment your shoes, summoned her spirit weapon. It shimmered into existence, a massive club studded with cartoonishly large spikes.
"This thing has attitude," she grinned.
Michael just flexed. Literal green energy flared up around his fists like glowing boxing gloves from the spirit realm. "No weapons needed," he said casually. "I am the weapon."
One goblin dove at me, dual-wielding cracked game controllers like nunchucks. I dodged, barely and he faceplanted into an old CPU tower. Sparks flew.
Rhea swung her spiked club and sent another goblin cartwheeling through the air. "They smell like old gym socks and Mountain Dew," she said, wrinkling her nose.
Michael caught a goblin midair and slammed him down like a meteor strike.
"Level 5 Slam Dunk!" he shouted, as if this were some supernatural NBA crossover.
My Dodge just Level 3, but better than nothing and ducked under a flying keyboard. I countered with a wild swing of my bat, smacking a goblin in the kneecap. He glitched mid-scream and shouted, "REPORTED FOR ABUSE!" before collapsing into a bean bag.
Another goblin mashed buttons on a dusty Game Boy, trying to cast a spell. It exploded in his hands. He immediately fainted with a dramatic "Game Over!"
Just when I thought we were winning, the goblins run away.
The lights in the warehouse flickered like someone forgot to pay the electric bill or, you know, summoned an ancient digital demon. The temperature dropped. Static filled the air.
Then came the boss music.
Not kidding. A distorted remix of retro game beats started blaring from somewhere, like the walls had Bluetooth.
From the shadows behind the arcade machines, it emerged:
A hulking figure on wheels. Literally. He was riding a rolling office chair like it was a throne.
Boss Identified: LAN Lord – Glitched Goblin General
Lv. 26
Weapon: Wireless Rage and Monitor Shield
Passive: Toxic Gamer Aura (+25% Saltiness)
"WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY STREAM?" he roared, slamming a broken keyboard like it was a war drum. His armor was made of cracked monitors and he held a flat-screen TV like a riot shield.
"I feel like I've seen this guy in a Call of Duty lobby," I muttered.
Bruno took one look and mumbled, "Nope. Still glitchy. Good luck, kiddos."
Then he dramatically stepped behind a support beam like this was a popcorn-worthy moment.
LAN Lord raised a scepter made of USB cables and shouted, "GET REKT!"
Suddenly, pixelated energy blasts shot out from his monitor shield. One grazed my boot, and the system pinged:
-1HP
Status Effect: Slightly Toasty Toes (No real damage, but now mildly uncomfortable).
Rhea rushed in first, her spiked spirit club swinging like a wrecking ball. She cracked his shield—part of it, anyway—and LAN Lord staggered back, sparks flying.
Michael followed, fists glowing. "Time to Ctrl+Alt+Delete this clown!"
He landed a punch that dented LAN Lord's pixel armor and left a green-glowing crater in his chest plate.
I circled to the side, my bat at the ready. When LAN Lord aimed his TV shield at Rhea, I struck from behind with a heroic yell that was half-battle cry, half-sneeze (dusty place, okay?).
Critical Hit! LAN Lord's WiFi Helmet is Cracked!
The boss screeched like a modem from 1997 and flung his keyboard at me. I ducked. It hit the wall and exploded into letters. The "Q" bounced off my forehead.
Rhea shouted, "NOW!" and we all went in at once.
One flying fist.
One spiked slam.
One semi-heroic baseball bat uppercut.
Boss Defeated!
Loot: Glitched Monitor Shield (rare), LAN Lord's Keyboard Scepter (questionable), 300$, 200 souls shards, 320 Ancient Coins, and one unopened bag of sour gummies (still fresh).
+1000 XP
Leveled Up!
LAN Lord fizzled out in a burst of lag and vanished into code-like mist.
I flopped down on a broken bean bag chair and muttered, "If the next anomaly is Fortnite-themed, I'm retiring."
Of course, we still had to clean up the rest of the dungeon—and by "we," I mean chase down the goblins that had fled like panicked gremlins when their LAN Lord got disconnected. They didn't put up much of a fight after that. Rhea went full whack-a-mole with her spiked club, and Michael treated one poor goblin like a living punching bag. I… took out the ones hiding behind the vending machines. Don't judge me—ambush tactics count.
When each goblin finally fizzled out, their bodies glitched away like someone hit delete on their dimension files. But the real loot? That stuck around.
Michael and Rhea called the baby-pinky-sized glowing stones "magic shards." Cute.
[Soul Shards x6 Acquired]
[Ancient Mousepad of +1 Accuracy (Mildly Sticky)]
[Goblin Ear x12 – Alchemy Ingredient. Slightly gross.]
My inventory vacuumed up the goods like a loot gremlin at a Black Friday sale. Best part? No one could see my system. LETI had no idea I was running on cheat codes, and my personal loot didn't interfere with the real-world drops. Two worlds, two loot pools. Score.
After we'd cleared the whole underground arcade-dungeon-thing, Bruno tapped his earpiece like a true action hero.
"HQ, this is Bravo-Four. Dungeon clear. Send cleanup."
Ten minutes later, a white van pulled up and out poured a full hazmat team. Suits, filters, gloves, glowing gizmos. They looked like they were about to quarantine an alien egg.
Meanwhile, we—literal teenagers—were standing around in gear barely tougher than gym clothes.
"Seriously?" I muttered to Rhea. "We're half-naked and covered in goblin glitter. And they get moon suits?"
She shrugged. "Government priorities are weird, man."
LETI's people started logging the mess: shattered arcade machines, cracked keyboards, a dragon-shaped mouse, and one cursed-looking PC tower that probably still ran Windows 95. The hazmat crew tagged everything with glowing stickers, sealed off the dungeon entrance with tech that beeped ominously, and left us standing in the corner like underdressed bystanders.
Michael clapped me on the back like I'd just saved the world. "You sure you're a newbie, Kyle? You handled yourself like a pro."
"Pfft. I basically live in skeleton dungeons," I said with a smirk. "You think a few glitchy goblins scare me?"
Michael blinked. "Skeleton dungeons?"
"Uh—yeah," I coughed. "Last night. Online game. The Dead City. I soloed, like, forty skeletons."
That chill down my spine? Not from the cold. One of those boneheads had dual-wielded rusty swords like a discount Dark Souls boss. And the worst part? He parried me. Parried me.
"Most of them were level twelve," I muttered. "And there was a mini-boss. My system never makes it easy."
Michael gave a low whistle. "Remind me never to spar with you. Even in a PC game."
I just grinned and looked around the now-empty dungeon. Mission complete. Loot secured. Ego slightly inflated.
Not bad for a newbie. Not bad at all.
---
Kyle Walker (Lv. 17 )
HP: 400/400
MP: 320/320
SP: 400/400
Stats:
STR: 42 (+5 from Great Sun Inner Energy) (+3 from Arm Guard) ( +20 from mystery box - permeant increase )( 50 )
VIT: 22 (+3 from Arm Guard, +5 from Great Sun Inner Energy) ( 30 )
DEX: 36 (+1 from Title ) ( 37 )
INT: 22
WIS: 21
LUK: 30
Unassigned Stat Points: 57
Unassigned Skill Points: 75
Att: 40
Def: 30
Eva: 37