Alright, so here's a montage of updates regarding this stupid business. First, he somehow opened the cafe extremely early like he was a child. Using his son as the worker. And justifying he was hanging out with his son in my yard by saying he owned my house. Which people surprisingly argued with him about it. I was shocked honestly, I didn't know my neighbors even paid attention to me. We live in the country. Also now that I think about it, how did he get customers out there? Did he do advertising that early? Probably.
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"So bro, you're really gonna flex on this douche in his yard? Bro, how is this working?" Customer A says amusedly.
"It's cause they don't believe it's real. They think it's dumb. And maybe cause I'm a criminal." Lucius says angrily.
"That last part is probably it. Good luck." Customer A says amusedly.
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It took me about five minutes of overthinking to realize why this shit could happen. Let me break it down for ya. To start with, criminals are hated to the point they're ignored. Which is a blessing and a curse. Cause mainly stupid people take advantage of it for insane social experiments like this. Cause I realized we were in a standoff of ideas.
So basically methhead businessman is justifying meth by fucking introducing ultimate efficiency on my back lawn. It's fucking madness, I hate it. So this back yard has become social experiment territory due to this battle of ideas. Cause basically, I'm being considered the outdated model cause I want to be normal levels of efficient. While this methhead wants to prove he can be better as a methhead.
Now unfortunately with humanity, I know how the argument can end with so many people who don't care about social ethics. It's "HOW MUCH MONEY DID I MAKE THOUGH!?" And honestly, I hate the argument. It pisses everyone off cause it's the ultimate argument for how successful it was cause it's the only measure for success we truly have. It's fucking money.
And unfortunately I gave the bitch a headstart by going to bed. But not anymore. … Until after my shift. I can't piss off society right now.
Alright, I should've skipped work. Here's the lowdown. To start with, the building has started being built. Bad news, they got a legit company involved. I'm concerned, but we roll with it.
Now it is time for sabotage. Thankfully, I am a criminal. So this is very simple.
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Lucius roars out of his garage with his fucking monster truck aimed right at the methhead's business!
"FUCK YOU METHHEAD!" Lucius yells furiously.
"Hack it please illuminati." Methhead Businessman says smugly.
Lucius's truck stops abruptly. Lucius jumps out the truck, armed with a metal stick.
"DAMN YOU AND YOUR HACKERS! NOW WE BRAWL!" Lucius yells furiously.
"Yes, but in front of my son?" Methhead Businessman says cockily.
"Man, I'm a criminal, I'll punt your son." Lucius says angrily.
The Methhead and the Celebrity Criminal stare at each other, analyzing accordingly.
"Pussy, you won't punt a kid." Methhead says confidently.
Lucius hunches over sadly. Then straightens up and rolls his eyes.
"Whatever, I won't punt a kid. Big whoop." Lucius pouts.
Lucius frowns and throws the fucking stick at the methhead. It bounces off the table and misses the methhead. Then Lucius just tries jumping over the table and tackling him like a wrestler. It didn't work, his form was flawed. He crawled when he should've dived. Gave the methhead time to run. Lucius chased him out the yard after picking his stick up.
"FUCKING METHHEAD THINKS HE CAN OPEN A BUSINESS ON A CRIMINAL'S YARD! IT'S ILLEGAL VERSUS ILLEGAL BITCH!" Lucius yells furiously.
"Nah, I'm legit. I can afford a lawyer." Methhead says angrily.
"Bitch, I'm too angry to care plus you're a methhead. I'm above you as long as I don't do meth." Lucius says angrily.
Lucius beats his ass with the stick. All while he screams "I OWN A COMPANY!" And Lucius retorts angrily between shouts and the methhead's own responses.
"YOUR COMPANY ISN'T EVEN ON PROPERTY YOU OWN!" Lucius yells furiously.
He stops to hear his retort.
"So what, I'm legit." Methhead Businessman says angrily.
Lucius smacks him with the metal stick.
"Bad! Bad businessman! Do better! Better argument! And if it's a lawyer argument, I'm hitting you again and I will knock your phone-" Lucius lectures angrily.
The Methhead went for his phone for something, but Lucius smacks his wrist. Knocking it out of his hand.
"Bitch, I said wait. We're arguing. You better hope one of your friends calls the cops." Lucius says angrily.
"Peter, call the cops." Methhead says desperately.
The Kid pulls out a phone. Lucius shrugs and starts screaming psychotically to motivate the methhead.
"YOU'VE GOT 20 MINUTES TO EXPLAIN WHY I SHOULDN'T KILL YOU! THE LAST 5 WILL SPENT TRYING TO MURDER YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR SON! BONUS TIME FOR ME IF THE COP CAN'T BEAT ME FAST ENOUGH BEFORE I SUCCESSFULLY MURDER YOU!"
"Bitch, this ain't a game. Quit being a Mastermind, stupid game designer." Methhead says angrily.
Lucius sighs angrily. Then he smacks his stick against his hand.
"Fine, first second I get the impulse to give up, I'm beating you to death." Lucius says with bloodlust.
"...okay, not that hard. Let's negotiate a bit." Methhead says cautiously.
"Okay, first argument. GO MAKE YOUR BUSINESS SOMEWHERE ELSE! GET OFF MY LAWN!" Lucius yells angrily.
"No. But I have a better idea. I will ascend to my true celebrity self. The ultimate meth head celebrity. I'm calling in the methhead youtuber. Cause I can't beat you without fame, celebrity criminal." Methhead Businessman says angrily.
"And I am here already. Thank you for foreshadowing my appearance." Methodical Man says calmly.
They turn and see a guy with greasy black hair in a white tank top, black shorts, and dollar store brand blue sneakers. Behind him is a guy in blue basketball shorts and a green t-shirt holding a camera.
"It is I, the Methodical Man." he says with lazy pride.
Then he points angrily at the Methhead Businessman.
"By the way, I don't do meth! You're just my cousin!" Methodical Man says angrily.
Then he smooths back his greasy hair, and does finger guns.
"But I'm here to prove meth should be legal cause I want to try it. And what better way than documenting a business's rise to fame? With my investments, of course." Methodical Man says happily.
Lucius glares angrily at the Methodical Man.
"Bro, go make a youtube gamer video like you're supposed to. Please stop revealing you're a methhead. You're disappointing the children. And your girlfriend probably." Lucius complains.
"Don't lecture me about people that don't exist. I'm a single man with no kids. Also I hate kids. In fact, if any kids are watching, stick a fork in your toaster oven. It'll be funny." Methodical Man says angrily.
Methodical Man walks over to the Methhead Businessman with a suitcase. He opens it, and it's filled with cash! Methhead Businessman gasps, but then the Methodical Man slams the suitcase shut.
"We will now get a building. Do it now. Quit arguing with this prick. Just buy the land across the road." Methodical Man says angrily.
"Yes, sir!" Methhead says happily.
He runs off to go do that.
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One hour has passed. In that time, the Businessman got some land. And now they are opening their business. Which has now expanded to a brand new business. Cleaning supplies. Which Lucius finds extremely suspicious for a few reasons. Which he yells about while Methodical Man does an ad outside on the land.
"Ladies and gentleman, we have a special product for you. Methodical Man cleaning supplies, such as bleach, laundry detergent, and more!" he says like a happy businessman.
"Are you gonna make meth with those cleaning supplies?" Lucius yells angrily.
"What! No! Go away, Lucius Dehaviell! Famous Criminal Arms Dealer who is my evil neighbor!" Methodical Man whines angrily.
"Yeah, but at least I don't make meth. Go take a nap. It's like, 6pm." Lucius complains angrily.
"Bro, what is that even supposed to mean?" Methodical Man says angrily.
"I don't know. When's the last time you've slept?" Lucius asks with nervous anger.
"On the plane for two hours. Shut up pussy, I'm fine." Methodical Man says angrily.
"Yeah, but you're making meth." Lucius says angrily.
"Prove it." Methodical Man says angrily.
"Okay, let me investigate that shed you already have on the property." Lucius says angrily.
Methodical Man rolls his eyes.
"You really think we're already making meth?" Methodical Man says angrily.
"Lemme check. Fuck you, lemme check." Lucius says angrily.
"No, plus you're dumb. Who puts a meth lad up that fast?" Methodical Man says angrily.
Lucius gasps. Then facepalms.
"Of course, I should do a meth lab check when the building is done. That's when there'll be a meth lab for sure." Lucius realizes with annoyance at himself.
Methodical Man stomps his foot angrily.
"Shut up! Quit getting ideas!" Methodical Man says angrily.
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Yeah, but like, that idea was fucking rad. So I'm sticking with it. So I'ma let the Methheads grow their business and focus on some other shit. We'll return to this when it's time to confront them or stupid shit happens.
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One Month has passed homies. The building is done. It's annoying as shit but we are about to deal with it any second now. I've reported it may have a Meth Lab to the police. Let's see what goes down.
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"HEY BITCH! COPS AIN'T COMING, I BRIBED THEM AHEAD OF TIME! FUCKING PRICK!" Methodical Man yells with cocky rage.
Lucius flips them off through his second floor window and screams angrily in response.
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Alright fuckos, you think the Lucius Dehaviell can't win this situation? Here's what I'ma do to you fucks to win. To start with, I need y'all to be dumb. So I'm gonna "defuse" the situation with free liquor as you guys are opening up. Which is on this Tuesday. Then I'm gonna spread the word through my Gang that the meth is here. It's already working too well, one of my Gangsters already bought meth from them. Now he's a loser I can't keep track of. Somehow he's trying to be a gangster and make money on his favorite hobby: painting miniature figurines. Go figure that one for yourselves, I ain't touching it. I'm just rolling with the punches and getting rid of these Methheads.
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So on Tuesday, I got those fuckers drunk. It took a while though, but it happened. Mainly cause the Methodical Man sabotaged it. He knew I was going for making them torch their own building with a bad meth batch. So he tried to delay them drinking as long as possible. So I improvised. I've got tools in my shed, right? One of them is a rude little thing I shouldn't own for what I do. It's a lethal hole puncher basically. In videogames, they'd call it a hand sized pile driver or some shit. It's for mercifully killing animals like cows when it's time to butcher them.
This time I used it to punch a hole in their fucking AC giant block thing they have outside. A lot of holes. I just did it while the place was closed. I was worried the whole time a Methhead would pop out while I did it. But they didn't.
Not in time anyway. The AC burst in flames, followed by the building a few minutes later. And the Methheads were there with a surprise fire truck painted white and blue driven by the Methodical Man.
"I knew Lucius would sabotage us! Thank god for this Fire Truck the local fire department donated during my last stream!" Methodical Man yells angrily.
I was extremely confused by this statement, but ah well. The building ended up wrecked. And then, there was the final stand off. Between my gang and the methheads. Thankfully, I got like twenty people to show up with our guns. So they were scared shitless. But unfortunately, it went nowhere. Basically they're keeping their business here. And we just deal with it.
At best, I can say people thought this whole thing was really annoying. I'm sick of it. But it ain't over yet. I know that. I've just gotta ride it out for now.