Boom!
Just as Jin found himself daydreaming about the softest things in life—mainly Ruoyan's thighs and Fairy Ling's boobs—reality struck like a wild donkey on steroids. The walls of the outer sect training arena exploded inwards, showering everyone in a storm of bricks, bamboo debris, and half a roasted chicken that no one claimed.
"Who the hell—" Elder Wu spat feathers. He'd been mid-bite.
A cloud of dust cleared to reveal a hulking silhouette. It was a new challenger—seven feet of steroid-infused rage with tattoos shaped like angry peaches and a scowl like he'd just lost a rock-paper-scissors match against fate.
"YUN! YUN TIANBAO OF THE IRON BUTTCHEEK SECT HAS ARRIVED!"
Silence.
Then someone whispered, "...Did he say Iron Buttcheek Sect?"
"Yes, I did!" Tianbao bellowed, flexing his glutes so hard they created a sonic boom. "Our secret technique—Iron Cheek Thunderclap—shakes mountains and embarrasses enemies!"
Jin muttered, "The only thing embarrassing is that name…"
Tianbao stomped forward, each step creating tremors. "I've come to challenge the so-called 'System Cultivator' who insulted my cousin—Meng Fan the Armpit Alchemist!"
"Oh crap, I remember him," Jin whispered. "The one who tried to detoxify poison using fermented sweat…"
"You made him cry in front of a whole auction house!" Tianbao roared. "Now, pay with your dignity!"
"Already lost that in Chapter 1," Jin said flatly.
Ruoyan stood protectively in front of Jin. "You dare lay a hand on him, I'll break your cultivation and your spine, then turn you into fertilizer for my plum blossom garden!"
"Hot," Jin said automatically.
Ruoyan elbowed him. "Shut up, horny."
Tianbao cracked his knuckles. "Then I challenge you to a duel. No, a triple duel! Combat, cultivation, and charisma! Winner takes all!"
"Triple duel?" Jin raised an eyebrow. "That's illegal in 4 provinces and two brothels."
"Are you scared?"
Jin glanced around. Everyone was watching. Ruoyan looked mildly aroused. Fairy Ling held up a scroll labeled 'Fight Breaks Sky, Pants Drop Fast'. Elder Wu looked like he was writing fanfiction in his mind.
He sighed. "Fine. But first, give me ten minutes to warm up. And by that, I mean panic and stall."
In the ring, both Jin and Tianbao sat cross-legged.
"Whoever condenses the thickest, longest Qi pillar in five minutes wins!" the referee shouted.
"Really?" Jin muttered. "Are we comparing... pillar size now?"
Tianbao sneered. "Mine's always been thickest! Observe—Iron Cheek Qi Compression Art: Thousand Mile Twerk Pulse!"
His entire backside vibrated like a drum solo in a thunderstorm. Waves of Qi pulsed around him, condensing into a glowing phallic pillar that made the outer sect girls gasp.
"Is that legal?" Ruoyan muttered.
"Barely," Fairy Ling muttered. "But damn."
Jin cracked his neck. "Alright System, give me something spicy."
[Ding! Activating: Pervert's Palm Art – Second Layer: Honk of Heaven!]
"What—"
A pink mist surrounded Jin as his cultivation energy shifted strangely. His hands glowed with two ethereal golden honking shapes. His Qi pillar shot upward, not thick... but glorious.
"BEHOLD!" he shouted. "The elegance of the Divine Twin Peaks Technique!"
The crowd went nuts.
Fairy Ling fainted from laughter.
Elder Wu bit his fan in horror.
"Impossible!" Tianbao screamed, watching Jin's pillar sparkle with rainbow Qi and emit seductive flute music.
"Who wins?" Jin asked.
The referee choked. "...Draw! No! Jin wins! That was art!"
Now shirtless, Tianbao flexed like a demonic bodybuilder. "Let's dance, pretty boy!"
Jin cracked his knuckles. "I'll dance, but don't expect me to lead."
Tianbao launched himself forward like a beefy comet. Jin dodged, barely. Fists clashed, palms struck, and someone's clothes flew off (it was a bystander monk who got too close).
Jin ducked under a spinning back kick, rolled, and delivered a counter with his new move:
Slap of Destiny: Left Cheek Justice!
WHAAAP!
Tianbao was launched sideways like a shot duck, spinning in the air, cheeks wobbling.
The crowd howled. "He slapped his ass so hard, it echoed in three valleys!"
Tianbao crashed to the ground. "I'm not done—IRON CHEEK COUNTER SLAM!"
He leapt, trying to butt slam Jin from above. Jin leapt too, spinning like a stripper on a divine pole.
"Harem Heaven Whirlwind!"
His foot connected to Tianbao's chin.
CRACK!
Tianbao landed face-first, unconscious.
Winner: Jin.
Jin stood victorious in the center of the crater where Tianbao lay twitching like a defeated boss monster. The crowd roared in disbelief and amazement. Even Elder Wu dropped his wine gourd, though not out of respect—he was just drunk and mildly concussed from a stray brick.
But the show wasn't over.
Tianbao twitched, groaned, and, to everyone's horror, got up.
"You... haven't seen... my final technique…" he wheezed, blood dripping from both nostrils and his pride. "Prepare yourself… for the Iron Cheek Final Form: Double Buttock Implosion Cannon!"
Jin narrowed his eyes. "That sounds like something banned in nine sects and a prison."
Tianbao turned around, planting his feet wide. His pants tore from the strain. His cheeks clenched with the power of ten thousand years of embarrassment. Cultivation energy surged. Spiritual animals started running for their lives. Birds fell from the sky. Ruoyan held up a talisman and shouted, "DEFENSE FORMATION! NOW!"
Fairy Ling yelled, "WHY IS HIS BUTT GLOWING?!"
Too late. A thunderous BOOOOOOOM! echoed across the sect as Tianbao released the forbidden art. A massive wave of Qi blasted toward Jin in the shape of—yes—a glowing peach-shaped explosion.
Jin's brain screamed, System, help me! I didn't sign up for ass-based destruction!
[Ding! Emergency Skill Activated: Ultimate Deflection Technique – "Return to Sender: Slap Back Karma Style!"]
Jin's hand moved on its own, glowing with heavenly light as he twisted mid-air and slapped the shockwave with all the power of divine judgment and deeply repressed frustration.
SMACK-KRAKABOOOOOM!
The energy bounced back. Tianbao had just enough time to look betrayed by his own cheeks before the explosion consumed him.
When the smoke cleared, there was nothing left but a crater, a shredded loincloth, and a confused chicken with a burned tail feather.
Jin wiped his brow. "I just spiritually bitch-slapped a butt bomb…"
Ruoyan clapped slowly, eyes glowing. "I take back all the times I called you trash."
Fairy Ling giggled. "I don't. Trash can be very... useful."
Jin blinked. "Are you flirting or threatening to recycle me?"
She winked. "Why not both?"
Elder Wu slurred from the sidelines. "Give that man… a golden goose and two bottles of plum wine. He just saved us from apocalyptic ass thunder!"
Suddenly, a sect announcer's voice echoed through the sky via a floating talisman loudspeaker:
"ATTENTION! The Sect Master has been watching this whole time. He demands the winner meet him in the Grand Pavilion. And also… someone clean up this damn mess."
Jin groaned. "I haven't even had lunch yet."
Inside the Grand Pavilion, Jin stood in front of a giant jade throne. On it sat the Sect Master—a man so old he looked like he sneezed dust and farted ancient wisdom. His beard was long enough to wrap around the mountain twice, and he had an aura of supreme cultivation... and mild constipation.
"So," the old man rasped, eyes twinkling with suspicion and mild perversion, "You're the one causing all the noise… and humiliating the Iron Buttcheek Sect."
Jin bowed. "Yes, Sect Master. Also, sorry for the… flying pants."
The old man grinned, revealing teeth older than civilization. "Good. I like chaos. Makes the day interesting."
Ruoyan stepped in. "Master, Jin has shown incredible talent. And also… something called 'System'? He says it lets him cheat fate."
The Sect Master raised a brow. "A system, you say?"
He stood up. The room trembled slightly.
"Boy, would you mind letting me test your strength with one finger?"
Jin gulped. "Sir, that sounds like the beginning of a traumatic flashback."
But the Sect Master poked anyway—lightly. Jin flew backward, crashed through three pillars, a tea table, and a random indoor koi pond before landing flat on a mat embroidered with the word "Ouch."
"Oof… Is this a test or a hate crime?"
The old man chuckled. "You'll do. Your system… I'll allow it."
He motioned with one hand and a jade token floated over. "This is your Inner Sect token. You're promoted. Also, you owe me a new tea set."
Fairy Ling whispered, "You're moving up fast, Jin."
Ruoyan smirked. "Inner Sect already? I'll have to keep a closer eye on you…"
Jin nodded, half-conscious. "Yay… progress… internal bleeding…"
Jin staggered into his new quarters—spacious, luxurious, and disturbingly decorated with paintings of overly muscular immortal men holding peaches.
"Must've belonged to someone from the Peach Body Path…" he muttered.
Suddenly, a rustling from the corner. A bed moved. A figure sat up.
"Hey," said a voice. "You're my new roommate?"
Jin blinked. Sitting in the bed was a pale, spooky-looking man with dead-fish eyes and black robes embroidered with bones.
"I'm Bai Mo," the guy said. "Necromancer. I raise corpses. Also, I snore in demonic chant."
"…Great," Jin muttered.
"You?" Bai asked.
"Jin. System Cultivator. Accidentally slapped a man's butt into the stratosphere today."
"Cool."
The two stared at each other in silence for a few moments.
Bai Mo grunted. "You like steamed buns?"
"Yes."
"Good. I have a ghost that steals them. He likes company."
Jin flopped onto his bed and groaned. "I'm in hell."
From under the bed, a ghostly voice whispered: "Hell has snacks…"
At midnight, Jin tiptoed outside for some late-night practice. Mostly because he couldn't sleep through Bai Mo's necro-snoring and the ghost farted cold air.
He sat under a moonlit plum blossom tree and summoned the System.
[Ding! System Menu: You have unlocked a new cultivation path: "Harem Heaven Arts – Forbidden But Fun!"]
"Oh no," he muttered.
[Skill Unlocked: Heavenly Groping Finger – Use with caution. Consent highly advised.]
[Skill Unlocked: Aphro-Qi Burst – Stimulates romantic feelings in a five-meter radius. Warning: may cause unintended engagement proposals.]
[Skill Unlocked: Nine Yin Pillow Technique – Guaranteed to break beds, not hearts.]
Jin sighed. "I'm either becoming a pervert sage or a criminal…"
Suddenly, he heard footsteps. Ruoyan appeared, dressed in a casual robe, her sword hanging lazily at her waist.
"Can't sleep?" she asked, sitting beside him.
"Not with Ghost Farter under my bed," he replied.
They sat in silence for a while. Then she leaned closer.
"You've improved a lot," she murmured. "Faster than anyone expected."
"Guess having a cheat code helps," he replied.
She smirked. "Maybe. But raw talent matters too."
Jin glanced at her, at the moonlight reflecting in her eyes, and the curve of her smile.
The System dinged.
[Romance Meter: Ruoyan +10 Affection Points. Current Status: Might Kiss You if You Shut Up.]
Jin leaned in slightly.
Ruoyan closed her eyes.
Just as their lips were about to meet—
"BOO!"
Fairy Ling dropped from a tree branch, throwing a talisman that exploded in sparkles.
"RUDE!" Jin yelped, falling backward.
Ling grinned. "Oops. Was I interrupting a 'Harem Heaven Moment'?"
Ruoyan looked murderous.
Ling winked. "You're not the only girl with a sword, Ruoyan. I'm just more fun."
Jin covered his face. "Please don't fight over me... unless there's mud and slow motion."
The arena was in shambles. Half the crowd had nosebleeds, the other half had marriage proposals ready. Somewhere in the distance, someone was selling roasted nuts with little flags of Jin's face on them.
Tianbao, dazed and bruised, dragged himself to his feet with the stubbornness of a villain in the final act of a bad opera.
"You... may have won combat... but you'll never win... the duel of... charisma...!"
Jin blinked. "You can barely walk, man. Maybe sit this one out? Charisma's not about clenching your ass until it glows."
"WRONG!" Tianbao bellowed, suddenly pulling out a flute shaped like a… questionable object.
Ruoyan covered her eyes. "By the heavens, it's shaped like a peach!"
Fairy Ling shouted, "This has gone too far!"
Tianbao blew the flute.
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeep—SQUONK!
Instead of music, the flute emitted what could only be described as the sound of a goose being possessed by a tone-deaf demon. Several birds crashed midair. A squirrel fainted.
But... to Jin's horror, some of the outer sect girls swooned.
"He's... weirdly confident!" one gasped.
"That's raw, primal energy!" another moaned.
Jin stared at them, betrayed. "Ladies! He just used his butt as a weapon!"
"Confidence is sexy!" someone shouted.
Jin scowled. "System, I need to up my game. Hit me with peak charisma."
[Ding! Activating: Heavenly Charm Protocol – Skill: Ultimate Pick-Up Line Cannon Lv.1]
Jin's eyes glowed. He stepped forward, robes fluttering, voice smooth as buttered lightning.
"Ladies… If I could rearrange the cultivation realms, I'd put U and I in the Immortal Dual Cultivation Hall."
The crowd gasped.
Someone fainted.
A duck exploded.
Ruoyan's pupils dilated. "Why… why did that actually work?"
Fairy Ling turned red. "It's the delivery... that bastard's too smooth!"
Jin winked, then conjured two glowing roses from his Qi.
"May your beauty never experience tribulation," he said, tossing one to Ruoyan. "And your sword always find its sheath," he added, tossing the other to Fairy Ling.
They both caught them instinctively—and blushed furiously.
Elder Wu was now openly crying. "It's... so romantic... my fanfiction is writing itself…"
Tianbao dropped his flute.
"NOOOOOO! I studied under three perverted grandmasters and five flirtatious aunties! HOW CAN I LOSE IN CHARISMA?!"
Jin walked up to him, laid a hand on his shoulder.
"Brother Tianbao... sometimes... it's not about how hard your cheeks clench. It's about how soft your words land."
Boom.
Tianbao's pride exploded. He collapsed to his knees.
"I have... much to learn."
The sect exploded into celebration. Jin was lifted onto a platform made of enchanted cushions and grilled meat skewers. Ruoyan and Ling flanked him, both visibly flustered and annoyed about it.
"I'm still mad," Ruoyan muttered, clutching her rose.
"I'm still turned on," Ling whispered, twirling hers.
Jin grinned nervously. "Can't I be both feared and adored?"
"No," they snapped in unison.
Elder Wu clinked a gong. "As of today, Jin of the System is declared winner of the Triple Duel and new Inner Sect disciple! Also, we will officially never invite anyone from the Iron Buttcheek Sect again."
The crowd cheered.
Tianbao was dragged away by two shirtless peach monks, whispering about training under 'Supreme Butt Grandpa'.
Then came the Sect Master again, floating in on a cloud shaped suspiciously like a pervert's recliner chair.
"Young Jin," the ancient man rasped, "You've shown bravery, ridiculous power, and disturbingly smooth talk. Therefore, I bestow upon you... this."
He tossed a scroll down. Jin caught it and read the title aloud:
"Harem Heaven Manual – Volume 2: The Bed Shall Break, the World Shall Shake."
Ruoyan snatched it. "I'm burning this."
Ling snatched it from her. "No, we're studying it. For research."
Ruoyan raised an eyebrow. "You mean together?"
Both girls froze. Then looked at Jin. Then at each other.
Jin gulped. "Uh… can I opt out of being the research subject?"
"No," they both replied.
That night, Jin collapsed into his new bed in the Inner Sect. A massive, comfy thing with luxurious silk sheets and at least five unnecessary pillows shaped like mythical beasts doing yoga.
Bai Mo, the necromancer roommate, peered from under a blanket.
"So... you survived Buttcheek Doomsday?"
"Barely," Jin sighed. "I may be a hero. Or a degenerate. I can't tell anymore."
The ghost under the bed gurgled, "You are both…"
The System dinged softly in his mind.
[Ding! Congratulations. Chapter Complete.]
[Rewards: 500 Harem Points, New Ability: Charm Burst Lv.1 – Boosts your attractiveness to inappropriate levels.]
[New Title Unlocked: "Slap Sage of the Thunderous Cheek."]
Jin groaned. "Great. Can I get a normal title someday?"
[No.]
He rolled over and stared at the ceiling.
"Well... one thing's for sure. If this is just the beginning of Inner Sect life... I'm either going to die of embarrassment or end up Emperor of the Peach Throne."
From the shadows, a voice whispered:
"You say that like those are different things."