Wang Fugui wasn't sure what was more impressive: the fact that he'd survived being chased by three vengeful sect elders and a rampaging goblin king last night, or the fact that his d**k had somehow managed to stay erect the entire time. Either way, his System dinged with a congratulatory message:
> Ding! Congratulations! You survived thanks to your 'Horny Instincts' skill. Side effects may include chafing.
"My balls feel like they've been through tribulation lightning," Fugui groaned, dragging himself out of the bed made entirely of boobs.
No, not pillows—literal boobs. Last night's wild victory celebration at the newfangled 'Breast Temple Sect' had apparently turned into a very hands-on religious experience. Five new female cultivators had decided that Wang Fugui was their "fated Yin-Yang partner," which apparently meant he was now on call as a spiritual dildo.
"Master Fugui," one of them cooed, a buxom beauty with two buns on her head that bounced more than her chi, "Would you like your morning spiritual massage… front or back?"
He blinked. "Is 'both' an option?"
> Ding! Side quest updated: "Sexorcise the Demonic Qi out of the Sisters of Squeeze." Objective: Make all five disciples moan the name of Buddha. Reward: Cultivation boost + extra stamina points.
"Oh, System, you know me too well."
But before he could dive back into bed-boob-heaven, a portal opened up in the middle of the room, followed by the arrival of... a talking squirrel in Taoist robes?
"I am Grandmaster Nut Nut, emissary of the Furry Realm!" the squirrel squeaked, puffing up his tail like it was preparing for war. "You defiled the sacred temple of Squeezing Jade Mountain! Your punishment shall be… a duel!"
"With a squirrel?" Fugui laughed. "What are you gonna do, nibble my toes?"
Grandmaster Nut Nut channeled his Qi, and instantly grew into a three-meter-tall chonk monster with glowing red eyes and nuts the size of bowling balls. Fugui's laughter died faster than his last job interview.
> Ding! Emergency Quest: "Beat the Nuts Off the Furry Elder." Reward: Domination over the Beast Cult Clan, and a fur coat made of sentient squirrel fluff.
"I'm gonna regret this, aren't I?" he muttered, summoning his Spirit Sword—only to find it transformed into a... banana?
"Oh right, I slept with the Banana Spirit Maiden last night... Damn it, this is why I shouldn't stick my sword in anything that peels."
"BANANA SLICE TECHNIQUE!" Fugui shouted, swinging the suspiciously curved fruit-sword through the air.
Grandmaster Nut Nut dodged with supernatural speed, leapt off a breast-shaped pillow, and did a spinning tail whip that sent Fugui flying into a wall. The banana sword peeled itself mid-air and splattered onto the floor like a fallen hero.
"My potassium!!!" Fugui screamed.
The battle was intense. Squeaking qi blasts exploded. Tail slaps echoed through the temple. One of the breast sect disciples tried to cheer Fugui on, but her bouncy encouragement caused another to pass out from blood loss.
"System, any tips?" Fugui gasped, dodging a nut-shaped energy bomb.
> Ding! Tip: You've unlocked 'Nut Buster Palm'—a one-time technique that targets weak spots on nut-based enemies. Cooldown: 69 hours. Accuracy: Depends on how horny you are.
"Oh, I'm plenty horny."
He leapt forward, chakra flaring from his palms, and yelled, "NUT BUSTEEEEEER!"
There was a crunch. A squeal. And Grandmaster Nut Nut fell over in slow motion, clutching his cracked divine walnuts.
"You may have… crushed my nuts… but the Furry Realm… will remember this…"
"Tell them Wang Fugui sends his regards—with a side of crushed cashew!"
> Ding! Quest complete. Reward received: 'Squirrel Coat of Seduction' (Charm +10, Fluff +100).
He slipped it on like a pervert who just unlocked his winter wardrobe fetish. The coat hugged his shoulders and emitted a faint purring noise. Apparently, it was alive.
"Wang Fugui…" came a new voice, sultry and slow. "You've crushed more nuts than an angry chef in a peanut factory."
He turned to find a woman wrapped in translucent gauze, each movement somehow illegal in at least three kingdoms. Her name floated above her head in elegant spiritual script: Elder Moaning Silk of the Immoral Pleasure Sect.
"Elder Silk," Fugui said, bowing—mostly to hide his growing third leg. "To what do I owe the honor?"
She chuckled, and the room's temperature spiked. "We heard of your… 'performance'... last night. Our sect is recruiting new dual-cultivators. But it's not for the weak."
"I've never been weak," he said, puffing out his chest. "Except maybe after seven rounds with three cultivators and a wine barrel."
"Oh, honey," she purred, straddling his lap, "we go to round seventy."
> Ding! Quest started: 'Enter the Immoral Sect's Pleasure Trials!' Objective: Survive 7 rounds of adult cultivation. Warning: Excessive usage may lead to broken hips, soul exhaustion, and chronic smugness.
Wang Fugui didn't hesitate.
He threw off his coat, summoned a bed from thin air, and grinned like a man with no shame and three backup pills in his pocket. "Bring it on, Grandma."
Elder Silk cracked her knuckles. "I'm going to fold you like spiritual laundry."
Round one started with a bang. No—literally. The gong rang and Fugui found himself handcuffed to a bed made of vibrating spirit jade.
Elder Moaning Silk appeared above him, dressed in a scandalous robe that seemed to be sewn from live serpents and bad decisions. Her spiritual pressure pressed down like a very horny mountain.
"I call this position... The Reversed Dragon Mounting the Phoenix Backwards While Crying Technique."
Fugui didn't even have time to ask questions before he was flipped, twisted, and spiritually suckered into a position only described in forbidden yoga scrolls.
The bed bounced.
He screamed.
The system chimed.
> Ding! You have lost 3,000 spiritual essence! You have gained 10,000 pleasure points. Warning: Overheating detected! Please stop moaning at 120 decibels.
"I'LL NEVER STOP MOANING!!!" he shouted, riding the line between enlightenment and a slipped disc.
Round two featured whips, licorice ropes, and something suspiciously shaped like a cultivation cucumber. Round three included three clones of Elder Silk, all arguing over who got to be on top.
By round four, Fugui was hallucinating that he was the Patriarch of the Pickle Sect, wielding the Great Dildo of Destiny against an army of squeaky nuns.
"FOR THE HORNY HEAVENS!!!" he roared, unleashing his newest move: Heaven-Shaking Hip Thrust!!
> Ding! Critical hit! You have destroyed the Trial Bed. Reward: 'Heaven's Lustful Pillow – Item Level: 69. Passive: Moans when squeezed.'
At round six, a crowd had gathered to watch.
Sects from across the realm sent emissaries. A cheer squad formed. Even a local noodle vendor set up shop, offering "Special Broth" to spectators. His sign read: Noodling While Watching Noodling!
Master Donglong, head of the "Hard Stick Sect," wept openly. "He's a true artist…"
By round seven, Fugui was glowing.
No, seriously. His entire body was luminescent. He had entered a state of Heavenly Orgasmic Enlightenment, floating midair in lotus position while chanting the sacred mantra:
"Ahh... ohhh... yes… harder…"
> Ding! Congratulations! You have ascended to Peak Dual Cultivation Stage! You now radiate natural charm, stamina, and a faint smell of sweat and peaches.
Elder Silk lay in a puddle of bliss beside him, her legs twitching like a broken puppet. "You… you're the chosen one… You made me ascend… twice!"
Fugui staggered to his feet, buttoned one button (wrongly), and declared to the sky, "From now on, I shall bring pleasure and chaos to every sect, one thrust at a time!"
Suddenly, a portal opened. Out stepped an envoy in formal robes, holding a golden scroll and a really nervous-looking chicken.
"Wang Fugui!" the envoy cried. "By order of the Heavenly Court, you are hereby summoned to compete in the 'Inter-Realm Immortal Games of Erotic Combat and Spiritual Stamina!' Your reputation precedes you!"
Fugui smiled, twirling a newly acquired silk whip. "Tell Heaven I'm coming. And this time, I'll bring lube."