It was past midnight, the mansion was quiet (suspiciously not burning), and for once, Rei thought he might survive till sunrise.
Naturally, that's when the portal opened in his floor.
A circle of glowing demonic runes spiraled into existence under his feet, and before he could scream "NOT AGAIN," he was already falling—gently—through a void that smelled like cinnamon and brimstone.
He landed in a silk-upholstered velvet chair with a muffled thud.
"Welcome, my darling," cooed a honeyed voice from across the obsidian table.
Lucivella, the Demon Queen of Desire, dressed in a scandalously tasteful black and gold gown, reclined gracefully across from him with a porcelain teacup held between clawed fingers. Steam curled upward in the shape of hearts, skulls, and occasionally contractual obligations.
Rei blinked.
"Lucivella?" he croaked. "Where—why—how?"
She gestured delicately to the surreal room: floating candles, violins playing themselves, and demonic roses singing lullabies in infernal Latin.
"We're in my private dream lounge," she said, pouring him tea that shimmered like liquid moonlight. "I invited you for a peaceful midnight chat. No knives. No bloodshed. Just… us."
He narrowed his eyes.
"Peaceful? This isn't a hostage tea party?"
She laughed—a sensual purr that made the chandelier blush.
"Oh, Rei. If I wanted to trap you, I wouldn't need chains. You came here of your own free will."
He looked down. His body was glowing with system runes.
[You have accepted: Midnight Tea With the Demon Queen]
[Objective: Do not sign anything.]
[Bonus Objective: Do not fall for her charm. You have one (1) braincell left. Guard it well.]
Rei stared at the message, then at Lucivella. "You bribed the system."
She sipped her tea. "I may have seduced the error handler."
"Of course you did."
The violin played a sultry chord in agreement.
She set down her cup, leaned forward with a radiant smile, and said the sentence that made his soul leave his body:
"I brought you a little gift."
She snapped her fingers.
A black scroll appeared between them, resting on a pillow made of nightmares and velvet. The scroll glowed with eldritch gold embroidery and demonic seals.
"I had it commissioned in infernal calligraphy," Lucivella said sweetly. "Our marriage contract. Romantic, isn't it?"
Rei's hands began to tremble like a kitten in a thunderstorm.
He read the title aloud. "'The Eternal Union of Flames, Flesh, and Shared Taxes'? Wh-What even is—?"
She winked. "I added a clause for optional soul merging."
He stood up so fast his chair evaporated. "Okay! That's—great! Wonderful! But maybe a little fast?! We only officially met like… eighteen traumatic chapters ago!"
Lucivella tilted her head. "But Rei… you're my destined husband."
"That phrase is starting to feel more like a felony than a compliment."
She pouted. "I've waited centuries to find you. I left the Infernal Court. I gave up my personal hell realm. I stopped summoning plague wolves. For you."
"That's… sweet?"
[WARNING: Incoming guilt trip. Shield your emotions.]
She slid the scroll closer. "Just sign, and I'll give you freedom. The other girls will back off. I'll even banish Rosette to a convent. With walls."
"…What's the catch?"
Lucivella's eyes gleamed. "You'll be mine. Entirely. Mind, body, soul, toothbrush rights. Forever."
Rei's knees buckled. "T-Toothbrush rights?!"
[Achievement Unlocked: Domestic Terror]
[Title Gained: Groom of the Abyss (Pending Signature)]
"Lucivella," Rei said carefully, "I appreciate your… passionate investment. But I still have my whole traumatic life ahead of me. Isn't there a trial period? Like a cursed engagement ring?"
She smiled softly. "There is no trial in love. Only commitment. And fire."
He took a desperate sip of tea. It tasted like seduction and emotional manipulation.
Then the scroll started unrolling itself.
Demonic glyphs flared to life.
A drop of ink floated toward him, hovering inches from his fingertip.
[System Alert: Unauthorized contract detected.]
[Deploying sarcasm countermeasures.]
[System Patch: Activated "Hot Potato Protocol" – Throw scroll before possession occurs.]
"Possession?!" Rei screamed. "Luci, is the paper trying to marry me by force?!"
She giggled. "It's just eager."
"I'm not signing a sentient scroll that wants to spoon me!"
He chucked the scroll across the room. It hit a vase, which turned into a tiny demon couple and started making out.
"I—okay—deep breath," Rei muttered, backing away. "I just wanted some sleep. Not infernal nuptials."
"But Rei," Lucivella whispered, appearing behind him in a puff of rose-scented shadows. "You've already made your choice."
"No I haven't—"
She held up a photo. It was him, drinking her tea, in an elegant frame labeled: "First Date (Cursed Edition)"
"You see?" she said softly. "You're already in my scrapbook."
[System: Abort tea party. Initiate emergency flee command.]
[Command Unavailable: Lucivella is holding your shadow hostage.]
He looked down. His shadow waved sadly, tethered by a demonic leash.
"Oh come on!"
"Darling," she cooed. "If you marry me, I'll protect you from the other girls. They fear me."
"Because you melted a cathedral by blinking."
"And I'd do it again. For us."
He collapsed into a fainting couch that hadn't been there seconds ago. "System," he whispered, "kill me. Just do it. Let me reincarnate again. Maybe as a slime."
[System Response: You are on cooldown for reincarnation. Please suffer longer.]
Lucivella sat beside him, running a claw gently along his arm. "You're adorable when you're cornered."
"Please stop saying that while caressing me with talons."
She sighed dreamily. "Just imagine it. You, me, a volcano-side villa. Hot springs of lava. A pet doom raven named Snuggles. And matching pitchforks."
"Those aren't dreams," Rei croaked. "They're OSHA violations."
Then she whispered, "What if I told you… I already told the other girls we're engaged?"
He blinked. "You WHAT?"
A crystal orb floated into view.
It replayed video footage of Seraphina fainting, Lilia screaming "He's MINE," Rosette sharpening knives with a smile, and Drakana punching a mountain.
"You… you started Yandere World War III."
She nodded proudly. "To motivate them. Now they'll fight harder for your heart."
"They were already at max insanity!"
Lucivella clapped daintily. "Exactly! It's romantic!"
[System Notification: You are now Public Enemy #1 in the Mansion of Marriage.]
[New Mission: Survive the next 72 hours.]
[Reward: Still being alive.]
Rei stumbled to his feet. "Lucivella, listen. I need to go. I left the stove on. And my emotions."
She raised a brow. "Are you rejecting me?"
"No! I'm rejecting sudden death by bridal warfare."
She reached into her sleeve and pulled out a small velvet box.
Inside was a ring made of obsidian, set with a heart-shaped blood ruby.
He whimpered. "I swear if that ring screams when I touch it—"
"I enchanted it with our future vows."
[Warning: Ring contains five soul-binding enchantments, three declarations of undying loyalty, and one musical number.]
He bolted.
Lucivella watched him run into a wall, get absorbed by a teleport glyph, and disappear screaming into the void.
She sighed, swirling her tea.
"He'll come around."
Back in his bed, Rei awoke with a gasp, drenched in sweat.
He looked around.
Normal bedroom. No demon roses. No flying marriage contracts. No boiling lava vows.
Just his ceiling. Gloriously boring ceiling.
He sat up slowly.
[System Notification: You survived "Midnight Tea With the Demon Queen." Barely.]
[New Status Effect: Emotionally Scorched]
[Your shadow waves from beneath the bed.]
He rubbed his face.
"I am never drinking tea again."
[System Reminder: You have a wedding to dodge in the morning.]
He screamed into his pillow.
To be continued…