Rei awoke to the soft chime of bells and the intense sensation that something was very, very wrong.
He blinked.
And saw five faces looming over him.
All smiling.
All dangerously close.
All already inside his bed.
"Goooood morning, darling~!" sang Lilia, wielding a toothbrush like a holy relic.
"Rise and shine, husband," Lucivella purred, draped in velvet and doom.
"I brought soap!" Drakana announced, holding a sloshing bucket of molten white liquid. "It's milk! From a fire cow!"
Rei screamed.
[System Alert: Welcome to the first ever 'Joint Fiancée Morning Routine' — code name: Operation Sunrise Seizure™]
[Warning: You may experience spiritual whiplash, identity confusion, and spontaneous combustion of personal boundaries.]
"WHY are you all in my bed?!"
Rosette, the quiet maid, gently pulled a grooming knife from her sleeve. "You slept in by thirty seconds. Grooming protocols must begin immediately."
"I was unconscious!"
"A common excuse," she whispered.
Seraphina adjusted the silk curtains with royal flair. "This is simply the new standard, Rei. Each of us has selected a part of your morning schedule."
"And we're not sharing," Lilia added.
They unfurled a battle chart.
It was color-coded. And had bloodstains.
Rei's Morning Routine – Draft 1 (Fiancée Imposed)
6:00 AM – Romantic Poetry Recitation (Lucivella)
6:15 AM – Toothbrushing With 'Love Grip' Technique™ (Lilia)
6:30 AM – Royal Breakfast, Airplane Spoon Method™ (Seraphina)
7:00 AM – Molten Milk Bath of Passion (Drakana)
7:30 AM – Facial Grooming With Blade of Intimacy™ (Rosette)
Rei stared at the list.
Then at them.
"Do I... get a say in this?"
Seraphina smiled. "No."
[System Notification: You do not, in fact, get a say in this.]
6:00 AM – Romantic Poetry Recitation
Lucivella emerged from a plume of shadow roses, holding a scroll and a glass of crimson liquid.
"Dearest moon of my madness," she began, "your hair is the color of emotionally available despair, your eyes like two tax audits in spring—"
Rei blinked. "Wait, what?"
"Silence!" she hissed. "This stanza involves ritual appreciation."
She dramatically climbed atop his bed canopy, tossed petals, and recited fourteen increasingly deranged verses about love, blood, and matching coffins.
By the end, the bed was on fire and Lucivella was weeping softly into his bathrobe.
[System Alert: Emotional damage detected. Recommending temporary nap.]
6:15 AM – Toothbrushing With Lilia
Lilia pulled out a small wooden chair, forced Rei into it, and tied a pink bib around his neck.
"It's time for intimate oral hygiene," she said sweetly, squeezing toothpaste shaped like a smiling unicorn.
Rei opened his mouth.
Too late.
Lilia had already shoved the toothbrush in with the force of a mother scrubbing a war crime off a toddler's teeth.
"You've been neglecting your molars, darling," she said, leaning in.
"They're bleeding, Lilia!"
"Love bleeds," she whispered.
[System Alert: Oral cavity at risk. Triggering 'Gum Crisis Protocol.']
A robotic arm deployed a mouthguard.
Lilia wrestled it.
The arm lost.
6:30 AM – Royal Breakfast by Seraphina
Seraphina entered next, wearing a wedding apron embroidered with Future Empress of Rei in gold thread.
"Your morning nutrients, love."
She held a silver tray. Upon it: perfectly balanced macrobiotic porridge, a tiny spoon shaped like a dove, and a crown-shaped napkin.
Rei reached for it.
"No," she said. "Say ahhh~"
"What?"
"I shall feed you. As per protocol. Open wide, my darling duke."
Rei reluctantly opened his mouth.
Seraphina delivered the first spoonful gracefully.
Then Lilia popped out from under the table and tried to shove in an apple slice.
Then Drakana elbowed her way in with a sausage kabob.
Rosette appeared from the ceiling with a grapefruit.
Within seconds, Rei was chewing four things at once while five hands wrestled utensils in his mouth like a culinary demolition derby.
Lucivella calmly dumped tea on them all.
"Stop crowding," she said. "He's trying to chew."
[System Warning: Choking risk – High. Decency risk – Higher.]
Rei flipped the tray and dived under the table.
7:00 AM – The Molten Milk Bath
Drakana, bless her fire-scorched heart, had actually constructed a spa.
There was a claw-foot tub.
There were floating roses.
And there was a full bucket of steaming, glowing, lava-colored milk.
"Come on, babe," she grinned. "Time to relax. This'll clean your skin and strengthen your bones."
"Drakana. That milk is bubbling."
"It's passionate!"
"It's boiling."
She ripped off his pajamas.
He screamed.
Rosette sniped a towel at him from across the room like a razor boomerang.
Lilia flung herself in front of the tub. "NO BATHING WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!"
Seraphina summoned guards.
Lucivella summoned shadows.
And the tub exploded.
Rei reappeared fifteen seconds later in a towel, dripping milk and trauma.
[System Alert: Hygiene attempt failed. Fire level: 87%. Dignity level: Negative.]
7:30 AM – Grooming Blade Session
Rosette stood before him in full maid armor, polishing a wickedly curved knife made of moon-silver and whispering steel.
"Hold still," she said.
"Why do you have a grooming knife?!"
"For love," she answered.
She grabbed his face with terrifying tenderness and began "trimming" his sideburns with a blade that hummed like an ancient banshee.
"Rosette. That knife is cursed. I can hear it whispering my blood type."
She paused. "It has a name. Fluffy."
"I want to go home."
Rosette gently snipped a lock of his hair, caught it midair, and pressed it to her cheek.
Then she inhaled.
Rei fainted.
Emergency Room (Still Inside the Honeymoon Dungeon)
Rei woke up in the Honeymoon Dungeon's infirmary. Yuno.EXE was hovering beside him with a clipboard and a straw poking into a juice box.
"You survived your first Joint Fiancée Morning," she said cheerfully.
"I want to file a complaint."
"There is no such department."
"Then send a mayday!"
She tapped her tablet.
[System Note: Rei has completed 'Morning Routine Massacre' with 0 HP, -5 Willpower, and +99 Yandere Affection.]
[Achievement Unlocked: 'Chewed, Bathed, and Groomed.']
[Reward: +1 Emotional Trauma Crystal. You may cry into it for stat bonuses.]
Rei sipped the juice box miserably.
Afternoon Strategy Council
Later that day, the girls reconvened in the Conference Room, each arguing that their morning segment had been clearly the most effective.
"I fed him!" Seraphina snapped.
"I cleansed him in dragon dairy!" Drakana snarled.
"I cleaned his plaque aggressively!" Lilia shouted.
"I recited seventy-two lines of devotion!" Lucivella declared.
Rosette, silently, placed a vial of Rei's hair on the table.
Everyone paused.
Then the room exploded.
Rei's Revenge Plan
That evening, Rei made a secret call from a crawlspace under the bed.
"Yuno. I need help."
"Of course, darling."
"I want to reverse prank them tomorrow morning."
Yuno's eyes gleamed.
"Oh? Shall I prep the 'Surprise Role-Reversal Grooming Chamber™'?"
"Make it weird."
"I was born weird."
[System Alert: Operation 'Revenge Routine: Groom Your Yanderes Before They Groom You' – Scheduled for Chapter 64.]
Rei smiled.
The milk trauma remained.
But for the first time all day, he felt... hopeful.
To Be Continued...