🔥 The Ultimate Roast & Stand-Up Show: No One Escapes 🔥
Disclaimer:
This set pulls no punches and leaves no sacred cow un-grilled. If you're easily offended, you might want to buckle up—or just bail out now. For everyone else, welcome to the wildest, realest, and most unfiltered comedy ride you'll get this year!
turning t-able-s b-t bs style!
Forget the farmer and the dell—I'm done with 7 minutes in heaven. Who's ready for hell, Adele?
Let's go:
Supreme Court Stone Age
Clarence Thomas, you've been on the bench so long you're basically a courthouse gargoyle—stone-faced, frozen, haunting the living. You make "original recipe" sound like a warning label. Thirty-three years of "nope, not listening." People sweat the N-word, but the real problem's action, not color. You're the king of "ignore and deny."
#JusticeThomas #CorruptThomas
Billionaire Bake Sale & Playground Drama
Colonel Mews, you're not even the secret ingredient—just extra crispy leftovers flexing at Bohemian Grove, like it's a billionaire bake sale but the only thing you're cooking is your legacy—extra crispy.
Elon, you want to "hump and dump at the Y"? Cute. For a guy always launching rockets, you're stuck in the sandbox. Tesla's got more recalls than a telemarketer, your autopilot's so lost it needs a therapy dog, and even Hertz dumped your fire hazards on wheels. Your stock's tanking faster than your tweets. Investors are bailing, and your self-driving promises are more fiction than your hairline.
#ElonMusk #MuskWatch #TeslaRoast
Our little torture game? It's like Snapped—if I snap, no next episode. Series finale. Not even your bunker or Pentagon briefing saves you.
Zuckerberg, you dropped hundreds of millions on a doomsday bunker, but I'm out here running laps around you without leaving my chair. All that money, still no personality upgrade. You're like a robot trying to pass the Turing Test with a dial-up modem.
#MarkZuckerberg #ZuckWatch
Simon Cowell, you rate me a one? I am the scale. I'm the new Top Gun—where I land, that's the high score. Next time you want to judge, remember: you're not ranking me—I'm rewriting "the top."
#SimonCowell #AGTSimon #TopGunStatus
Cartels & Gangs: The Roast No One Survives
Let's talk about the cartels, because every one of you thinks you're the Netflix special.
Sinaloa Cartel: You're the Walmart of crime—everywhere, but the quality's gone way down.
CJNG: You're the new kids on the block, but you act like you invented violence. Newsflash: just because you have a cool logo doesn't mean you run the world.
Tijuana Cartel: You used to be legends, now you're just a cautionary tale.
Juarez Cartel: You're like that one relative who keeps coming back after rehab—nobody trusts you, but you're always at the party.
Cali & Medellin: The grandpas of the game—still talking about the good old days, but now you're just memes on Facebook.
MS-13: You got more tattoos than brain cells.
Bloods & Crips: The Pepsi and Coke of street beef—same flavor, different color.
Tren de Aragua: Sounds like a trainwreck nobody wants to board.
Cartel unity? Please. Every "unity" meeting ends in a shootout. The only thing you all agree on is who gets the last taco. And the only time you actually help the community is when you're hiding behind it.
#SinaloaCartel #CJNG #MS13 #Bloods #Crips #GangLife #CartelLife #EndTheCycle #RealChange #NoMoreViolence
Dear Women: Real Talk
Dear women, look—I don't like your men staring at my ass either. But if you'd quit selling it to them, that might help. Not gonna lie though, sometimes it does help—like when I need to get to the front of the line or get a free drink. Girl's gotta survive.
But let's be real, if you're mad at me because your man's looking, maybe check who's shaking it for him on Instagram first. I can't help it if he's got the attention span of a TikTok squirrel.
Office Supplies, Doge Drama, & Friends
Remember Friends? The toner guy ready to jump? That's the CIA in 1953—window shopping gone wrong. If you're about to lose it over office supplies, maybe get a new printer or a new life. When I snap, it's a season finale—no reruns, just chaos.
#FriendsToner #TonerDrama #CIAHistory
And Doge, by the way—dog blind, you wish you were us. Even Deez is waiting to grow because of your spun, live, luv show.
#DogeWatch
Walmart Spanish & Everyday Idiocracy
I only speak Walmart inventory Spanish—if it's not on a flashcard, don't expect me to roll my R's. My ex said I can't snowbird yet, so I'm stuck in aisle 5 with the gringos, asking, "¿Quiere una bolsa?" and hoping they don't reply too fast.
Zen day? NAH, I'm all over the place—caught your head at BK Lounge, call me Dane Cook, cause I wouldn't let them eat the hook! Where the blow jobs at? Someone's lying, cause idiocracy is off the charts—half my friends are tinman, the other half think they have no heart to beat again! Ty NASA LSD, but I'll stick to being lazy—I ain't walkin' barefoot nowhere! HeydeeZ! Luv you blind ass, it's cool she dunno it's me! Adelle!!!!!
George Lopez, California, & Kamala
George Lopez, you love L.A., but can you even tell California from Baja? San QuintĂn's got more tomatoes than your last Netflix special had viewers, and the only thing drier than their wheat harvest is your punchline at a Kamala Harris rally.
Religious Roast: Holier Than Thou or Just Full of Holes?
Every church claims the "real truth," but half the time, they're just remixing the same old rules to fit whoever's in charge. One says dancing is a sin, another says it's fine if you tithe extra. Meanwhile, the Bible says all sins are equal—so if you skipped Sunday brunch with your mom, congrats, you're in the same club as murderers. Hope you like your afterlife roommate, Adolf!
Bible's "authenticity"? Please. That book's had more edits than a reality TV show. You think emperors and popes just sat back and let the peasants write whatever they wanted? Nah, they were slipping in rules left and right—"Obey authority," "Pay your taxes," "Don't question the guy in the fancy hat." Sounds less like divine inspiration and more like a medieval HR manual.
Churches love to call out everyone else's flaws while ignoring their own. They'll forgive the choir lady for gossip, but if you show up with tattoos, suddenly you're the Antichrist. They preach about loving your neighbor, then split the church over the color of the carpet. If Jesus came back today and didn't fit their expectations—wrong look, wrong background, maybe even missing a few parts—they'd probably kick him out for not having the right paperwork.
Shoutout to Baptists, Catholics, Pentecostals, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses—y'all are proof that when it comes to religion, the only thing holier than thou… is the plot holes.
Cops & Commandos: Polyester Parade
Police—flash those badges like magic talismans, but the only thing you make disappear is public trust. "Protect and serve"? More like "protect your pension and serve attitude." You bust lemonade stands and miss the real criminals—classic. Maybe if you spent less time writing parking tickets and more time building community, you wouldn't need to hide behind riot shields.
Military Roast:
Army: First in, last to realize the GPS was upside down.
Navy: Seven months at sea, still can't parallel park.
Marines: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't, paint it. If it's hot, marry it.
Air Force: Deploys to five-star hotels and calls it "combat."
Coast Guard: Seasick in a bathtub.
Space Force: Still waiting for their first alien DUI checkpoint.
FBI, DEA, ATF, ICE—y'all make the DMV look efficient. If you teamed up, maybe you'd catch the break room snack thief (spoiler: it's always the Coast Guard).
Parenting: Toddlers, Teens & Gentlemen Friends
People say men are dogs, women are cats, but teenagers? They're the real cats—hissing, demanding, ammo ready.
I hated toddlers. Don't judge—toddlers are tiny drunk demolition experts. My kid threw his head into the wall for fun! I locked them in at night—better than sleepwalking into the forest. Did it work? No. Houdini in diapers stacked furniture to escape.
Now they're older, more laughs. My daughter cries at ASPCA commercials, calls them idiots, then bawls over a duck. I said, "You just said 'fuck' and 'duck' in the same sentence!" She said, "Yeah, but you didn't cry!" Parenting: where the bar for emotional stability is just not crying at ducks.
You can bleep "fuck" on TV, but kids say it all the time. "Have a great fuckin' day!" = positive. "Fuck, that sucks" = empathy. "Fuck you" = maybe not so positive.
Me with my retarded ex Except this guy? He was being a fuckin' dick the whole time. Kids see everything—they're not impressed. You want to judge my children when they only ever saw life kick me down and no matter how many times I got back up, life just kept shitting on me. But the fact that my children even know how to love, even a little bit, is a goddamn win for me—even when my standards are so goddamn low because of literally having no other options but to deal with piece of shit asshole men who think it's normal to demand friends with benefits and only that, as if we don't deserve anything more, and claim it's because women are whores!
Santa, Priests, Nuns, & Raunch
Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year—unlike Vatican priests who never stop delivering.
My wife asked me to spoon, but I'd rather fork. At least then someone's getting poked.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off—like your last relationship, except that one left you with more than just a scar.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her. Don't worry, the Pope will bless the kid—he's got experience with surprises.
If the Pope ever opened the blinds instead of picking cherries, maybe his staff would finally rise again—just in time for all the kids to get off their knees for once. Monica, you got more knee time than a Catholic altar boy at Sunday mass. At least I'm not Pelosi—she won't do herself sober, and nobody else will do her drunk.
Wild Law & Thug Roast: The Toxic Tango
The law and the thugs? Two sides of the same busted coin!
Mic drop.
If you survived, congrats—you've got thicker skin than Congress and more laughs than a cartel reunion.
#RoastLife #NoOneIsSafe #CallinBS
Let me know if you want to punch up any section,