Chapter Nineteen
Lucianna's POV
I woke up early the next day and I thought everything was just a nightmare but I proved myself wrong as my hands clutched on the familiar blanket. The fabric still has Justin's scent. I sobbed, letting a low whimpers of cries.
I killed him…
I just killed an innocent man.
My hand was not the one which was stained by his blood, but its not clean at all. I am the reason that he was killed! If only I become honest, if only I did not let my anger and my heat took me over, he might still be alive.
My lips trembled and the sobs stopped but my tears continue flowing non-stop. If only…
I know I can't take him back. I lost to Jacob. Again. I fucking lose, I really am weak. I was not able to do anything to save Justin, I'm… the worst.
'Let's run away… complete the mating with mate then let's run away.' my wolf said, repeating the same suggestion she thought last night.
I cried silently again. I can't! I can't do that now! I am full of hatred and all I can think of his hands are filth and sin.
'Just act. Endure.'
I shook my head, tears still falling on my cheeks. Act?
The thing with acting was that if you did it too much, you don't get used to it, you get tired of it.
And I'm tired of acting.
I've been acting like I'm okay, despite growing up as an orphan. Despite being hated by people I tried to please. I acted that Jacob's cheating was fine, I acted to please everyone, for them to like me.
And I am tired of it.
I'm not okay.
I'm not liked.
I don't like to be mated with Jacob anymore.
And I accept those truth now. I can't act again just to hide the pain of being hated, of being rejected, of being alone.
I am alone.
I am hurt.
My hands wiped my tears harshly as I inhale to fill my lungs with air. Even the air I breath seems not enough, it saddened me even more.
'You're awake.'
I almost jumped when I heard Jacob's voice in my head. He was not asking, I'm sure he sensed that I am up.
My lips trembled again, and I tried my best to suppress my cries. He's here, in his home. I don't want him to hear more of my pain, I don't want to give him that satisfaction.
I blocked my emotions, careful to not leak my feelings to him and I did not bother to respond to him.
It took a long minutes of silence before he spoke in my head again.
'Come out. Breakfast is ready. I… cooked.'
I heard hesitation in his voice to the last word. What? Was he trying to fix things with me by making me breakfast?
I growled inwardly.
The bruises he gave hasn't healed, the pain in my chest was as heavy as a thousand ton, my conscience was killing me and he thought all of these will be fixed by making me breakfast?
I did not respond to him.
Instead, I decided to clean up, took a bath and get dressed. I want to go out. If only I can go back to Justin's house, I will offer some prayer but since his cold body was surely not placed there, its useless.
Maybe I will find somewhere peaceful and pray for his soul…
It won't change the fact that I'm the reason of his death but… I hope it will help him find peace to the afterlife.
I heightened my senses to see if Jacob was still in the house but I trembled when I found out that he was still here.
Fuck. He should be out by now, he should be gone. Why did he even stayed the night? He should have fucked more whores out there! I'm already numbed by the pain anyway!
I hissed when I felt my body trembled by thinking that Jacob was so near. I'm not sure if I can stand the sight of him, I know there's a high chance that the bond will mess on my head and on my heat.
Tsk.
But I have no choice but to try my best! There was no other way out anyway and even if there is, I don't know where!
I hissed and looked around! Of fucking course!
The window!!!
Quickly, I went to the window and silently opened it. I'm not sure but I feel like Jacob was keeping his senses open that I'm cringing.
Thanks God, his room was not a storey-type! Well, I'm sure I can jump on any heights but that will surely get attention.
My feet did not made a single sound when I stepped on the soiled ground. I frowned upon looking at the backyard and thought it needed some female touch. It's so messy and the plants are lifeless!
Ugh! Stop it, Lucianna! You're trying to escape so don't think of gardening and tidying your mate's backyard!
I wanted to slap myself from how stupid my thoughts were going. I slouched my back as I walk quietly, moving to the forest.
"What are you doing, lamb?"
I gasped and my back straightened as I looked at my back. There, Harley stood with an arched brow and crossed arms on his chest. He looked at me as if I look funny and stupid at the same time.
I blushed.
Fucking hell! I forgot he was out here for lookout! And what did he call me?
"Uh, I-I, well, I'm going out?"
Both of his brows raised now. "You're not allowed to go out of the house." then he looked at the open window of my room. "Are you trying to escape?"
I bit my lip and I felt my nose flared from being caught. Damn it!
Sighing, I mirrored his stance and crossed my arms on my chest. "So? I don't need any permission to go out."
"Are you being rebellious now? You did not forget what happened last night--"
"I will never forget that!" I cut him off and my voice raised.
Fuck! Jacob must have heard and he must have sensed that I'm out here by now!
My eyes screwed shut and my head looked up from frustration. Damn it! Now I had more reason to hate being mated with an Alpha!
"I am not blaming you for what happened but at least try to behave if you don't want any more--"
"I did not want him to be killed!" my eyes watered upon thinking what happened last night. "I-I just want to pray for him s-somewhere peaceful." I sniffed.
Harley frowned and tilted his head to the side as if confused. "What are you--"
"Harley." Jacob's voice made me cursed and I quickly wiped the tears that fell on my cheeks.
I can hear his footsteps behind me and I cursed even more. I'm caught and doomed! Nice!
I pinched my arm when I felt myself weakening by his presence. Fuck! I'm not even looking at him but my body was acting like this! F*ck!
"Alpha Jacob." Harley bowed a little. "I caught her just in time--"
"Let her go where she wants." Jacob interrupted his words.
I screwed my eyes shut. Fuck! I should be happy that he was letting me go off the hook but now it irritates me that he let me go!
Not because I don't want to but because I think he was trying to be kind again to fix things that he messed up with me!
"But she thou--"
"Look out for her. Do not be too close." Jacob continued as if Harley was not talking at all.
I can feel his eyes on my back and my body trembles from being affected by his scent, his presence, its succumbing.
My head was busy fighting myself that I got lost on what Harley replied to my mate. And now he was trying to be kind!? by letting me go?
Damn, he was so obvious but I won't be fooled!
Making breakfast, letting me do what I want, that's all fucked up! I won't be swayed by those simple things!
My back straightened when I felt him moved, I hear that he walked away and when his presence was completely gone, I exhaled.
"I'll just follow you in safe distance." Harley said, looking at me before shaking his head.
I shook my head, too. Being guarded was not part of my plan but I don't think I can do anything about it now.
I started walking and Harley was two meter's away behind me. I keep sighing from time to time. This was so awkward.
"Why can't you walk beside me?" I asked after a few minutes of silence.
"Alpha's order." he simple said. I sighed. I think Brent was much better company than Harley. He seems too uptight and always irritated about something. Brent was like that, too but at least he tries to have conversation with me.
"Jacob is not here and I won't tell him that you disobeyed his order." I pushed.
Since Harley was with me then I'd rather enjoy his presence than him creeping me out.
"I'm loyal to Alpha Jacob even without his eyes on my post." he said formally.
I turned around to look at him and my eyes squinted. More like a loyal dog. Well, whatever.
I decided to stop pursuing him and have a talk while in this distance.
"What's so good about him anyway? He kills his shifter out of…" What was the right word? Anger? Jealousy? Nah, he can't be the latter, that was too impossible. "…whatever. Jacob is one shitty alpha."
I kicked a stone, annoyed that they are loyal to a leader like he was. I did not see any good things about him since I arrived here.
Harley did not talked when I thought he will quickly correct me with his perspective. Instead, he answered my question.
"He is the best alpha that the Shadow pack had. In just a year, he managed to made our pack the second strongest in the North. His leadership and intelligence is incomparable. Also, he is quiet strict with rule-breakers, a good strategist. Everyone will look up to him for those reasons."
I was rolling my eyes with every praise I heard him say. Yeah, right. A loyal dog Harley is.
"All of you are blinded, then. He is the rule-breaker one, don't you see? He killed a member of the pack he claims to protect, he c-cheated on me," I cleared my throat. "He broke the traditional rules. There's nothing good about him."
"Well, everything that happened was personal issues. You can't judge his leadership by those reasons and I think what he did is just right--"
I stopped on my heels and snapped my head to look at him.
"There is nothing right to kill an innocent man!" I snarled at him.
How blind can Jacob's dogs can be!? Ugh! Right? What right was he talking about when they didn't even gave Justin a proper burial and even followed Jacob's order to conceal what happened!
God knows where Justin's cold body was right now!
Harley seems shocked by my outburst but only for a few seconds. He shook his head next and smirked. It annoyed me so I just continued walking, more faster this time.
"That one mistake won't change the thousand good things he done. As an Alpha, of course."
I hissed. I get it, alright?! Harley was just talking about Jacob's competence as an Alpha and all I'm talking about here are personal grudges.
"Well, I'm only shown flaws without any good thing to praise about!" I defended but that also sounded as a defeat.
Harley chuckled and I squinted my eyes and looked at him again. What was this dog laughing at?
"You're annoying." I said, and crinkles my nose. Harley bit his lip and shook his head now, trying to suppress his smiles but failed.
This fucker.
I continued walking again and then I reached somewhere that looked like the foot of the hill.
I looked up and its kinda high but not much to be a mountain. I wonder if I can go up? Maybe that was where I can pray for Justin, I think it will be peaceful.
"You can climb up there but the other side is not part of the lands." Harley said, as if reading my mind.
I bit my lip and took a deep breath. It will be faster to reach the peak with my enhanced speed so I put on a stance, the soil deforming from the impact of my speed.
"Lucianna!"
I did not bother to look back to Harley. He will follow anyway.
The air turned colder that meant the hill was quite high altitude, I can see my breath through the air.
I stopped, slightly huffing but my breath hitched while looking at the view from the top.
"Wow." I mumbled.
At the top of the hill shows everything green! The forest, half of Shadow pack and on the other side was more of the forest. It's not that high but its enough to give peace to my heart.
I was stunned. Then I felt my eyes watered.
This simple view gave me peace and I figured how troubled I have become to be happy by having peace. Even just a little.
"Damn, lamb!" Harley who just came up mumbled when he got up. "Didn't know these hill is quite high, this should be a mountain." he mumbled something I don't understand. "Hey! Don't go running away like that!"
I ignored him and closed my eyes. I'm memorizing the feels of the place, and I think I just found my spot. Somewhere I can find my peace, a place that I will enjoy being alone.
I grinned and looked up. The clouds looked so clear, I wondered how good it will look at night. The stars must be shining beautifully up here.
"Do you think I can always come here?" I whispered without looking at Harley who's already standing beside me, looking down the hill as if checking something.
He shrugged. "No. This place is too dangerous because the rogues can reach here. See that?" he pointed down the hill where we was. I nodded. "That's a guard station. We can't guard the other side of this hill because that was not part of the Shadow pack's land."
My lips pursed and slowly nodded. That's too bad, I feel like I would always come up here.
"What pack owns the other side?" I said curiously. There are no guards down the hill of the stranger land so I'm guessing that whoever might own this shortened their border.
"It was the Trivian pack territory. Their border is right there," he pointed in the middle of the forest and I enhanced my vision to see guards stationed there.
"Oh," I mumbled. That was Trivian pack?! I'm so close to it all this time!
"Their main is far from here so they have doubled guards. One at the middle of the forest and near the Trivian City. They have huge lands though its too bad their population is not enough to occupy the excess of space."
I nodded.
"Oh!" I closed my mouth when I thought of something!
Dylan said there will be a contest going on to their pack! If I would want, I'll just run down this hill and go there and then come back!
I smirked with my new idea. I miss fighting in the arena!
After being mesmerized, I decided to walk a little far from Harley who I think forgot to keep his 'safe' distance. I prayed for Justin's soul quietly.
My apologies can't be counted anymore and when I mumbled my soul prayer for him, I was quickly dawned by my emotions.
Justin, if ever we meet again in the next life, I will always be honest with you and I will try my best to save you. I'm sorry I failed, I'm sorry to be the cause of your death. If there's anything I want the most right now, its to guide your soul to the light. I'm sorry if I can't give your body a proper burial. I pray for your peace and may the Moon Goddess reincarnate you soon to enjoy life and living again.
I wiped my tears and sighed. I looked at the clouds up high and smile weakly.
One day, I will find my own life, too. And I will enjoy living without any pain. Soon, I pray to be happy alone and not to depend my happiness to anyone.
But myself.
"Lucianna, are you done?" Harley asked. I looked at him and nodded slowly. "Jacob wants us back. Let's go. Now."
I rolled my eyes and sighed.
"Loyal dog." I mumbled.
Harley's eyes widened and his jaw clenched. I grinned at him awkwardly.
"I heard you." he almost growl but I think he stopped himself.
I shrugged and started walking. "Good. I meant you to."
Harley just sighed and followed me as I ran down the hill. I thought of walking once I reached the flat surface but when my stomach growled, I remembered I haven't eaten anything.
So I ran towards home, Harley kept up his speed behind me.
'You're fast.' I can hear that Harley was amazed by my speed. 'I mean, not bad for a female.'
'Whatever.' I said coldly but I smiled. He just fed my ego a bit with that praise.
I stopped and walked towards the backyard. I'm planning to climb up my room window again and change my clothes. I'm sweaty.
"Where are you going?" Harley asked.
"My room." I just said without looking at him. I heard him sigh.
I can still sense Jacob inside the house and I wanted to stop breathing so bad because I'm starting to get suffocated by his intoxicating scent.
I placed my hand on the window and ready to pull myself up inside when two hands held my waist and pulled me up.
My eyes widened as I was faced in Jacob's chest while he carries me inside. He placed me down my room's floor and I was met by his deep eyes.
I gulped.
The mere touch of his hands to my waist almost made me faint. The mate bond was quick to react and I shivered from the effect he has given me. But I was also quick to respond that I pushed him away, as if I was burned by his touched.
"Don't touch me." I whispered. What I was aiming for was to get mad but my voice came out weak and low.
Fuck.
His jaw tightened as he looked at me. I was prepared for another fight and I can see how his eyes shine with anger, or so I thought.
Just when I'm warming-up my own anger, his eyes turned soft and he sighed.
I frowned and my eyes squinted. Okay, what the fuck?
"Eat." he whispered. There was no hint of anger or irritation in his voice, its not even cold like how he use to talk to me. It was… I don't want to assume but it sounded kind and… gentle?
I cleared my throat and brushed the thoughts away. I rolled my eyes and walked past him.
"You don't need to tell me."
Jacob sighed but I continued to walk in my closet. My knees are trembling, the two of us inside a room, was not a good idea. The bond was almost planting weird feelings in my head, it's messing up my resolve!
But I'm busy battling with it so bad!
"And, you will be sleeping in my… room… from now on."
My jaw dropped from what he said. Huh?!