Parenting: The Ultimate Contradiction (And a Roast for the Judgmental)
You ever notice how parenting is just one big contradiction?
We tell our kids, "Love is beautiful! Most important thing!"
Then, "But don't you dare date until you're married!"
How are they supposed to learn about love if locked up?
That's like giving someone a car and hiding the keys.
Then they turn 18, catch freedom, jump into the first relationship-
good, bad, or toxic-because nobody taught them to take time,
set boundaries, or figure out what they actually want.
Desperate to feel something, they settle for anything,
and that's how abusive situations happen-not just evil people,
but because experience is the best teacher, and we never
gave them a chance to learn.
It's not just love. We say, "Be kind to everyone!"
But also, "Look out for yourself because nobody else will."
So which is it? Be a saint or be a shark?
Kids are trying to solve an emotional Rubik's Cube we handed them,
each side painted a different color of mixed messages.
Let's talk about the language police. Parents act like if
they just bleep out the word "f***," it disappears forever.
Newsflash: your kid knows every swear word you do-maybe more.
The real lesson isn't pretending those words don't exist;
it's teaching them when and how to use them.
"Have a great fing day!"-that's positive energy!
But "F you!"-maybe not, unless it's a joke with friends.
Context is everything.
Here's the kicker: parents want kids to open up and be honest,
but the moment a kid makes a mistake, suddenly it's
like they're auditioning for a crime drama. Kids learn fast-
better to keep secrets than risk dragging friends into trouble.
But when you offer amnesty, you find out your kid's
got access to more drugs than you did in college by first grade!
And sharing? Yeah, it's caring-especially when it's a group
project in felony charges.
And look, I'm not going to lie-I like my kids
better when they're high. Honestly, we get along way better
when I'm high too. Suddenly, their "open up" sessions turn
into chill hangouts instead of full-on interrogations.
But here's the deal I make with my son:
if you're going to make the grown-up decision to get high,
then make the grown-up decision to care about your future
and your education. You don't have to get good grades-
as long as you try. That's all I ask.
Take responsibility for your choices. You want freedom?
It comes with accountability.
And let's get real-my son may have had sex at 12:00,
but he only ever saw me be abused by every man
I was ever with. So for the fact that he even
knows what love is, let alone how to love,
I win. That's a victory. Breaking the cycle, even a little,
is everything.
I told my son, "Virginity is a gift-you only give it once,
and you can't get it back. So give it to someone
who respects you, because you're setting the bar for
the rest of your life, whether you stay together or not."
Then I told his girlfriend, "If he messes up, you come
get me. I'll take that bar and smack some sense
into him myself. Welcome to the family!"
And honestly, they came to me together-that's how I know
this amnesty thing works. When kids know they can
make a mistake at home without it ruining their lives,
they're safer than if they mess up out in public
where one wrong move could end up on their record.