Him....The first time I saw him was so inconsequential.
Nothing like the movies said, nothing like the books read. No fireworks or butterflies or any symbol that the lines of my tailored reality had already begun to spin a tale of love. There was no indication in my surroundings that this was the soul that would consume me for years, the heart that would synchronize with mine or the mind that would give me peace in the dark days fast approaching.
Like any good love story, ours began in the spring on a day warm enough to enjoy, but cool enough to do so in a sweater. I walked the halls with my best friend, hand in hand being just girls, and that's when I saw her.
My best friend's darling cousin, they looked so much a like they could be sister's. But for once they were not alone. There was a young man with her, someone I hadn't met before, someone new. He leaned over the short wall that bordered the classroom from the hallway whispering things we were unable to hear.
Our school was built in a very peculiar manner to compete with the hot temperatures we would face through spring and summer; we were after all on a summer island. Everything was as expected in a regular classroom, windows, solid walls, chairs and desks the whole works. Except for the short walls that faced the halls. The hall was open to the surrounding nature, like mentioned, very peculiar. There was a square patch of land surrounded by classrooms that all had this very weirdly built wall on the side facing the patch of land. If you stood in classroom or sat on a desk you could look out over the small patch of land and right through the same opening of the classroom across from yours, the only gap being between the corners of the buildings for people to walk through. A small, patterned architecture made of cement decorated the top of these short walls to make them just above half the height of a regular solid wall.
Wonder had always filled my mind about why they were created that way. Maybe if they were just regular solid walls. I would've never had that first interaction, I would've never seen him leaning over the wall by kneeling on a desk. I would've never witnessed the kiss shared by the two of them over that wall.
Quite funny it was, see she was quite short and while he wasn't the tallest, he was definitely taller than her. I remember panicking seeing her lean into him as he grabbed by the face, his dark colored hood so big it covered both of their faces, and he kissed her. Time had slowed for me in that moment, something so taboo and intimate, being shared so openly for everyone to see. After all we were just kids, what did we know of passion, kissing or where it would lead.
There was a halt as if my body had refused to accept what I saw, the picture slowly engraved itself in my memory, sinking its claws into me and unknowingly create a curiosity to know more about this world I had conveniently been ostracized from.
It was a probably a lot shorter in reality than it was in my mind, but this was the first time I saw him, and even if he was kissing another girl, a friend, it was a day I could not soon forget.
My best friend continued the conversation beside me, but it was completely lost on me. All I could think of in the moment was who was that? how did they do that so comfortably? how were they not scared to get in trouble? After all we were not the only people there.
So many questions raced in my head and my best friend must have realized the gears turning from the look on my face, so she answered my question before I could ask. Her boyfriend she explained, a year older, quiet and on the brink of falling in love. I laughed it off made it seem as if I was only curious and maybe at that time it is what I truly believed. I would later learn that was not the truth at all, it was more than just a little curiosity. It was a whole lot of it.
I had only seen a half of his face and the insatiable thirst to know the person who had stolen such a sweet girl's heart gnawed at my insides. However, I was in no position to ask, so we walked up to her, joined her in on our conversation and walked away.
I went home that day and I barely thought about it until I saw him again. I buried my curiosity; I swallowed the uncomfortable feeling that was in my chest, I ignored the questions forming in my head, but there was one question I simply couldn't shake, 'would someone risk getting in trouble like that for me?'
Without even realizing it, that is when I started coveting that feeling, seeking it every relationship whether it was romantic or not. Until that moment I had failed to realize how much I wanted real love or real connections.
Not transactional love like my parents treating me like a princess when I did well but ignoring me when if I failed a test. Not my sister playing with me when I kept her secrets from our parents but secretly hating me when our parents doted on me. Not my religious brethren telling me how wonderful I was when I sang and performed but the completely ignoring me when I was not of use to them.
For the first time I saw what I thought was a non-transactional type of love. Silly me I hadn't known anything about the relationship between the two of them. I had barely known her, and I knew even less about him, but somehow a small moment of fleeting passion had somehow opened my previously sealed eyes.
It should have been an insignificant moment like all the others that lead to us being friends. When we met the second time it was a very simple greeting and introduction. He was no model, just an average looking young boy, a normal teenager with the same school and home problems like anyone else. Admittedly his humorous nature drew a lot of people to him, but it I realized he was a normal person and for some reason I still couldn't forget that kiss.
It wasn't for the reason many would think. I was really just curious, not about him at that time but about what made a boy so special that a girl was willing to get in trouble just for a kiss from them.
It was shortly after this that I met his best friend. Now while he was not my type, his best friend most definitely was. I had thought in that moment that if birds of a feather truly flock together then maybe the answers to the questions I have can be answered by someone who is always around him and just like that another curious thread was set loose in my body.
Hours turned to days to weeks and that's about the amount of time it took for me to realize that I had a crush on his best friend. The soft spoken, brooding even more quiet best friend. The delicate intrigue of his personality truly got to me.
At the time I knew nothing about crushes and boys or how to handle them, so I did the next best thing, I stayed close. Not like in a stalker kind of way, more like I was collecting all the small fragments of himself that he left out in the open. It was fun being a little collector for that time, experimenting with scenarios and seeing how he reacted to me, gauging to find out if he also liked or was remotely interested in me. I felt like a little love doctor using my hypotheses to conduct mini psychological tests on the boy I liked.
Neglectfully in my little bubble I had failed to notice that there was another person who had also been caught by the same web as myself. Someone who also saw the same mysterious smiles and knowing eyes that wandered in our midst. Someone who was also collecting pieces of him to keep for themselves. My dear best friend.
I continued my hoarding but more discreetly than before. My best friend had known him a lot longer than me and I could tell from the way she was doing the same thing as me she liked him a lot. I would never want to hurt her in that way, so I gave her a fair chance and started pulling back but I really did like him. Surely there was no harm in silently collecting these fragments from time to time right?
I often wonder if I had noticed earlier if things may not have spun out of control the way they did or if we may have had a chance to change things before it reached some of the boiling points it did. Nonetheless the series of event that happened next would shape the way I viewed love, likes, crushes, relationship and even breakups for the rest of my life, even if I myself was not aware of that fact just yet.