"Is it so bad to yearn for something I know I'll never have?"
—This is the one thing I ask myself every time I'm left alone with my thoughts. It hurts me everytime. The life I wish I had for myself is something other people so easily acquired, and the love I hope for is something someone already has. Is it my fault that I haven't encountered the love of my life? Or is fate the one that's cruel to me?
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"Fei!" A familiar voice calls out from behind me. "I didn't expect to see you here." She adds.
"Me neither…" I reply, offering the seat next to me.
"You see…" She pulls out her left hand, and cheerfully shows her engagement ring. "...I'm engaged!"
Ah. My heart crumbles not out of jealousy but out of envy. "I'm the last one in my friend group to still be single…" is what I thought to myself when I saw her engagement ring. I freeze in place for a second, a blank expression enveloping my face before putting on a forced smile. "Good for you, Xinyi."
"Thank you! I'm thinking about having you as one of my bridesmaids. Would you like that?"
"Mhm. Sure. I would've been mad if I wasn't."
Xinyi laughs at my half-serious remark. She then proceeds to call over a waitress to order a salad. I see her trying to study my expression, as if looking for something.
"Fei."
"Yes?"
"Have you found anyone to love yet?"
I flinched at the question, but I decided to answer truthfully.
"I don't think I ever will." I answer while avoiding her gaze. I really don't know what to say. Right now, I should be nothing but happy because she delivered good news. Why am I even acting so gloomy?
Xinyi slowly brings her arm up, and starts patting the top of my head.
"You've been like this since we were children. It's a part of you at this point." She unhurriedly lowers her hands, trying to comfort me with a smile.
"You're a good girl, Fei. Don't give up, alright?"
"...I don't even know what love feels like."
"It just comes naturally. The feeling's different for everyone." Xinyi's salad arrives, and she starts to eat. Meanwhile, I just drink my coffee.
"Worrying too much will make you go bald, so just enjoy my company for now alright?"
"I always do. Congrats again with your engagement, Xinyi. I'm extremely happy for you."
"Hehe~ I know you are!"
An hour passes by with just us talking about trivial stuff. Like our current hobbies, and the series we're currently obsessed with. It's the typical things you usually talk about when catching up with someone.
"I'll see you at my wedding, Fei!" Xinyi waves goodbye.
"See you." I reply as she leaves. I stand outside, just looking at her figure as she disappears into the distance.
After I no longer saw her on the busy street, I walk towards my motorcycle— putting on my helmet before driving back home. When I arrived, I immediately jumped onto my bed, scrolling aimlessly on social media. Once again, I feel that same dreadful emotion that creeps up to my heart. It's crushing me from the inside out. I curl into a ball after turning off my phone, wrapping my arms around my knees.
"Why can't I feel love like other people do…?" I whisper to myself, tears gradually falling down my cheeks.
"Am I not normal? Is it weird that I've never felt that heart-fluttering feeling around somebody? Why is it that I feel like I'm the only one who feels this way…? I just… I just want to love too."