Kenji Tanaka was having the most boring Tuesday of his life—staring at a math test he'd definitely failed while contemplating whether convenience store ramen counted as a balanced meal—when suddenly—FLASH!—he found himself in a marble hall so unnecessarily ornate it probably violated several building codes.
He was surrounded by his entire homeroom class, all twenty-three of them, including Watanabe, who'd been picking his nose when the summoning happened and was now trying to discreetly wipe his finger on his uniform.
A king with an impeccably groomed beard that definitely had its own dedicated stylist and possibly a personal trainer stood before them on a throne that was 80% gold and 20% "compensation for something."
"Heroes from another world!" the king proclaimed with the dramatic flair of someone who'd practiced this speech in the mirror. "We have summoned you to defeat the Demon Lord who threatens our very existence!"
Oh god, Kenji thought, watching his classmates' faces light up like Christmas morning, I'm in one of THOSE anime. The kind where the protagonist gets a harem by episode three and somehow becomes overpowered by breathing differently.
His classmates were losing their absolute minds with excitement. Yamada was flexing like he'd already conquered three kingdoms and was considering expanding into real estate. Popular girl Sakura was practically glowing—literally, since she'd apparently gotten Light Magic and was now brighter than a convenience store at 3 AM. Even Tanaka (the other one) had received "Ultimate Analysis," which sounded way cooler than it probably was but made him push up his glasses like he was the protagonist of a different, smarter anime.
The royal appraiser, a tired-looking man with the expression of someone who'd appraised too many heroes and found them all disappointing, worked his way down the line with increasingly elaborate pronouncements.
"Yamada Hiroshi! Fire Magic, Rank A! You shall be known as the Crimson Flame Hero!"
"HELL YEAH!" Yamada shouted, immediately trying to shoot fire from his hands and nearly setting the tapestries ablaze.
"Sakura Miku! Light Magic, Rank S! The Radiant Dawn Hero!"
Sakura curtsied like she'd been practicing for this moment her entire life, which, knowing Sakura, she probably had.
"Tanaka Keisuke! Ultimate Analysis, Rank A! The All-Seeing Scholar Hero!"
"This is fascinating," Tanaka muttered, his glasses gleaming as he stared at everyone like they were particularly interesting specimens. "The magical resonance patterns are clearly—"
"And you," the royal appraiser finally reached Kenji, pointing at him with barely concealed disgust, like Kenji was a piece of gum stuck to his shoe, "have..." He squinted at his magical assessment crystal. "...'Minor Environmental Adjustment'? Rank... E? What even IS that?"
The entire hall went silent. You could hear a pin drop. You could hear Watanabe's stomach growling. You could hear the king's beard stylist weeping softly in the corner.
Kenji shrugged with the resignation of someone who'd just discovered his superpower was being aggressively mediocre. "Sounds like I can maybe... adjust the temperature? Make it less humid? Fix squeaky doors?"
The king's face went through several emotions—confusion, disappointment, mild constipation, existential dread, and finally settling on the expression of a man who'd ordered a pizza and received a salad.
"Right. Well." The king cleared his throat like he was about to deliver terrible news to a cancer patient. "Everyone else gets royal treatment, luxury accommodations, personal trainers, and epic quests to save the kingdom! You get... uh..." He leaned down to whisper frantically to an advisor, who whispered back while gesturing apologetically. "You get to explore the Abandoned Mining District! Alone! For... character building!"
"That's just a prison with extra steps and better marketing," Kenji muttered under his breath.
"What was that?" the king asked sharply.
"I said that sounds absolutely fantastic, Your Majesty," Kenji replied with a smile so fake it could have been made in China. "Really looking forward to that character development."
LEFT SIDE OF SCREEN: EPIC HERO TRAINING MONTAGE
[Triumphant orchestral music swells]
The heroes were led to the Royal Training Grounds, a sprawling complex that looked like someone had combined a five-star resort with a military academy and sprinkled it with magic sparkles.
"Welcome to your new home!" announced Master Siegfried, a mountain of a man whose muscles had muscles and whose confidence could power a small city. "For the next three months, you will undergo intensive training to unlock your true potential!"
Yamada punched the air. "BRING IT ON!"
The montage began in earnest:
Week 1: Yamada learning to control his fire magic, accidentally setting his own eyebrows on fire but looking cool doing it. Sakura practicing light spells that could illuminate entire kingdoms while somehow making her hair blow dramatically in nonexistent wind. Tanaka analyzing everything and taking notes in a leather-bound journal that definitely wasn't from Earth.
Week 2: Yamada sparring with magical constructs, his flames growing more intense as inspirational music reached crescendo levels. Sakura learning healing magic because of course the pretty girl gets healing magic. Tanaka discovering he could analyze people's weaknesses and immediately becoming terrifyingly efficient at combat strategy.
Week 3: Yamada's flames now burned blue and could melt steel. Sakura could blind enemies with pure radiance while looking like an angel descended from heaven. Tanaka had figured out the mathematical principles behind magic and was basically cheating at everything.
The royal chefs prepared elaborate feasts. Beautiful servant girls brought them towels and definitely weren't there for fanservice reasons. They slept in beds softer than clouds and woke up to gentle harps playing.
RIGHT SIDE OF SCREEN: THE WORLD'S SADDEST PRISONER TRANSPORT
[Sad trombone music plays at half speed]
Meanwhile, Kenji was being dragged away by two guards who looked like they'd rather be literally anywhere else.
"So," Kenji said conversationally as they shackled his wrists with chains that seemed unnecessarily heavy, "is the Abandoned Mining District actually abandoned, or is that just what you call it to make imprisonment sound more adventurous?"
"Shut up," muttered Guard A, whose name tag read "Steve" in what was definitely not this world's language.
"Steve seems friendly," Kenji observed to Guard B, whose name tag read "Also Steve" because apparently this kingdom had a serious creativity shortage.
The journey to the prison was taking place in real-time alongside his classmates' training, which meant Kenji got to experience the slowest, most awkward prisoner transport in history.
Week 1: Kenji was loaded into a cart that seemed designed for transporting potatoes rather than people. The wheels squeaked. One of them was square. The horse pulling it looked personally offended by its life choices.
"Are we there yet?" Kenji asked.
"No."
"How about now?"
"No."
"Now?"
"If you ask again, I'm going to make this trip take longer out of spite," Steve threatened.
Week 2: They stopped at an inn where Kenji was given a room that was basically a closet with delusions of grandeur. The bed was a wooden plank with a pillow that felt like it was stuffed with disappointment and broken dreams.
"The amenities here are really something," Kenji told the innkeeper, a woman who looked like she'd given up on life sometime during the previous century.
"Shut up and eat your gruel," she replied, sliding him a bowl of what might have been food in a very technical sense.
Kenji poked it with his spoon. It poked back.
"Is it supposed to move?"
"Only if you're lucky."
Week 3: The cart broke down completely. They had to walk. Kenji's chains were heavy enough that each step required genuine effort, but not heavy enough to be dramatic or meaningful—just annoying, like a shopping cart with one broken wheel.
"You know," Kenji said as they trudged through a landscape that looked like it had been designed by someone who'd only heard descriptions of nature secondhand, "I'm starting to think this isn't actually about character building."
"Really?" Steve (the first one) replied with sarcasm so thick you could cut it with a knife. "What gave it away? The chains? The fact that we're literally taking you to prison?"
"Mainly the chains," Kenji admitted. "Though the prison thing was also a pretty big clue."
SPLIT SCREEN CONTINUES:
Left side: Yamada achieving his first "ultimate technique," a massive fire tornado that made everyone cheer and probably violated several environmental protection laws.
Right side: Kenji tripping over a rock and face-planting into mud while his guards debated whether they should help him up or just drag him.
Left side: Sakura healing a wounded training dummy back to full health with a gentle touch and a smile that could make angels weep.
Right side: Kenji asking if they could stop for bathroom breaks and being told to "hold it" while Steve (the second one) ate lunch in front of him without offering to share.
Left side: The heroes receiving custom-forged weapons from master craftsmen, each blade perfectly balanced and enchanted with powerful magic.
Right side: Kenji's chains getting caught on a tree branch, leading to a five-minute struggle that ended with him hanging upside down while both Steves argued about whose job it was to cut him down.
Left side: A dramatic ceremony where the heroes were officially dubbed with their hero names and given royal crests.
Right side: Kenji finally arriving at the Abandoned Mining District, which was indeed very abandoned and very much a prison, while ominous thunder rumbled overhead despite the clear sky.
The split screen finally ended as both groups reached their destinations simultaneously.
The heroes stood proudly in their gleaming armor, weapons at their sides, ready to face any challenge.
Kenji stood in shackles at the entrance to a hole in the ground that had "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE" carved above it in what looked suspiciously like Comic Sans font.
"Well," he said philosophically, "at least it can't get any worse from here."
Thunder rumbled again. A crow cawed ominously. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled.
"I really need to stop saying things like that," Kenji muttered as they shoved him into the darkness.