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The apocalypse is just a prank bro

Lord_Frumtelbucket
7
chs / week
The average realized release rate over the past 30 days is 7 chs / week.
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Synopsis
He likes his tea at the correct temperature, his socks properly paired, and his mornings arranged in a way that suggests the universe still has standards. When the rain starts melting streets, the dead begin walking, and something the size of an office block starts treating the city like a snack drawer, Arthur does what any sensible man would do. He complains about infrastructure. Unknown to Arthur, the world ended three years ago. Also unknown to Arthur, an ancient reality-warping entity has bonded itself to him and now lives inside his shadow. It can erase monsters, bend perception, fold space, and turn threats into neat little cubes before Arthur has time to notice anything impolite happening nearby. Unfortunately, its host has the survival instincts of a tax form and the emotional range of a man mildly inconvenienced by poor customer service. So while Arthur walks through the apocalypse looking for socks, groceries, functioning public transport, and someone to accept his complaint letters, the thing inside his shadow works itself half to death keeping him alive. It destroys horrors before he sees them. It edits reality when he notices too much. It silently curses every monster stupid enough to approach him. And Arthur, somehow, still thinks the city just needs better maintenance. A/N: I was discovering my writing style for a few months while writing this (My first book) so the atmosphere and ambience change a lil
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Chapter 1 - Chapter 1: A normal day

A/N: The writing for the first few chapters isn't as good as the later chapters, please be patient as this was my first time writing!

The rain had not stopped in seventy-three hours, though calling it rain felt generous in the same way calling a bear trap "unfriendly furniture" felt generous. Real rain did not hiss when it touched pavement, and real rain did not chew through old cars, street signs, and the occasional unlucky thing that had taken too long crossing the road. This rain fell in thick grey sheets, leaving the air sharp and metallic, like someone had filled the sky with battery acid and then decided the real problem was poor drainage.

Inside the Laundri-Mat, Mike pressed his back against an industrial dryer and listened to the roof slowly lose an argument with the weather. Acid water dripped through holes in the ceiling and struck the tile floor with small angry sounds, each drop eating a little more of the building that had kept them alive for nearly a week. Somewhere outside, a Shambler dragged itself along the street with a slow wet scrape, close enough that everyone in the room stopped breathing whenever it passed the broken front windows.

"Mike," Brenda whispered from behind a row of overturned washing machines, "how much food do we have left?"

"Enough," Mike said, because that was the only answer that did not make everyone worse. He did not actually know how much food they had, not really, because counting the cans meant admitting how little was left and how many mouths still needed feeding. He had been a plumber before all this, which meant he knew pipes, leaks, pressure, bad repairs, and how to curse at a water heater without making it personal, not how to lead three frightened people through the end of the world.

Tim crouched beside Brenda with both hands wrapped around a screwdriver, his eyes wide enough to make him look younger than nineteen. He had been muttering to himself for the last ten minutes, promising the room, the screwdriver, and possibly God that if anything came through the door, he would stab it. The fact that Tim had once admitted his most violent act was stabbing a bagel did not give Mike much confidence, but morale was rare these days, so he let the boy keep his fantasy.

"You'll get us killed if you rush anything," Brenda whispered, her voice sharp enough to cut through Tim's muttering.

"You don't know that," Tim said, clutching the screwdriver tighter.

"I know you apologized to a chair yesterday after bumping into it."

"That chair surprised me."

Mike raised one hand, and both of them went silent at once. Outside, the Shamblers had stopped moving, and the quiet that followed was not the peaceful kind. It was the kind of quiet that arrived right before something large decided the world had been too calm.

The front door opened.

It did not crash inward, and it was not torn off its hinges by claws or teeth or any of the usual rude methods monsters used when entering buildings. Someone simply turned the knob and stepped inside, careful and calm, as if the Laundri-Mat was still open for business and the city outside had not been dying loudly for three years. The man who entered wore a cream-colored sweater vest over a pressed button-down shirt, with neat khakis, polished loafers, and the mild expression of a person who had never been chased by anything worse than a late bill.

Mike stared at him and felt his brain struggle.

The man's clothes were clean, not survivor clean, not "washed in a bucket and dried under a desk" clean, but actually clean. He looked like he had walked out of an old magazine ad from before the sky turned poisonous and dead things learned to stand back up. His hair was neat, his glasses were clear, and he carried himself with the calm confidence of a man whose greatest enemy was probably an inconvenient parking space.

The Shamblers outside were not moving anymore.

Mike saw them through the broken windows, frozen in place with their mouths open and their twisted bodies locked mid-step. Something dark stretched across the street behind them, growing from the man's shadow even though the light inside the Laundri-Mat did not make sense for that angle. The darkness wrapped around the Shamblers without a sound and pulled them down into the pavement as if the street had turned soft underneath them.

Brenda's fingers dug into Mike's sleeve.

"Don't move," Mike breathed. "Do not make a sound."

The man walked past the broken windows, past the overturned dryers, and straight toward the back wall where the older machines still stood in a crooked line. His shoes made no sound on the broken glass or the wet tile, which bothered Mike almost as much as the shadow eating monsters outside. The man stopped in front of dryer number four, leaned forward, and peered inside with the intense focus of someone searching for a lost family heirloom.

Arthur Pringle had not noticed the frozen Shamblers, the ruined street, the acid rain, or the three survivors hiding behind a row of machines. What he had noticed was that dryer number four did not contain his blue argyle sock, which felt like a serious failure of public laundry etiquette. People really did need to be more careful with shared machines, he thought, especially in a place already suffering from poor lighting, damp floors, and management that clearly did not understand basic maintenance.

"Is he looking for us?" Tim whispered, his voice cracking. "Mike, if he finds us, I'm stabbing him."

"Tim," Mike said, keeping his voice low, "if you stab that man, his shadow will turn you into a coaster."

"You don't know that."

"His shadow just swallowed two Shamblers through the floor."

Tim looked toward the doorway, then slowly lowered the screwdriver by about an inch, which Mike counted as personal growth.

Arthur tilted his head and stared deeper into the dryer, as though the missing sock might reveal itself under pressure. He gave the drum one polite turn, frowned, and muttered something about people needing to respect other people's belongings. Then he stepped closer to the survivors' hiding spot, still completely unaware that he was being watched like a weather event in loafers.

Brenda tried to shift backward.

Her elbow bumped a bottle of detergent.

The bottle tipped, rolled, and dropped onto the floor with a hollow plastic crash that sounded far too loud in the dead Laundri-Mat. Every survivor froze. Mike felt his stomach sink so hard he almost expected it to hit the floor.

Arthur turned.

"Oh," he said, pleasantly surprised. "There are people here?"

He walked toward them with a warm smile, and to Mike he looked like a polite disaster wearing knitwear. Arthur leaned over the nearest washing machine, looked down at the survivors crouched behind it, and gave them a friendly nod. "Hello there. I hope I didn't startle you. I'm only looking for a sock, blue argyle, very sentimental, and I'm afraid dryer number four has failed me."

Tim broke immediately.

"PLEASE DON'T EAT MY BRAIN," he shouted, raising the screwdriver with both shaking hands. "I HAVE STUDENT DEBT, MY BRAIN IS LOW QUALITY, AND I FAILED INTRO TO ECONOMICS TWICE."

Arthur blinked at him.

"Eat your brain?" he asked, looking genuinely upset by the idea. "Goodness, no. I had a roast beef sandwich earlier, and it was perfectly satisfying." He studied Tim with gentle concern, as if the boy's terror was a mild health issue rather than a reasonable reaction to the shadow monster currently guarding the room. "You do look a bit pale, though. Are you hiding from the weather? It is coming down rather heavily."

Brenda stared at him.

"The weather?" she asked, her voice dry and broken. "You mean the acid rain that melts streets?"

Arthur chuckled in the careful way adults chuckle when young people exaggerate about homework. "Acid seems a little dramatic. I would call it hard water with confidence issues, though I admit it has a rather sharp smell today." He held up one smooth, unmarked hand, which had apparently been walking through the death rain without receiving so much as a rash. "My skin feels perfectly fine."

Mike looked from Arthur's hand to the shadows gathered around his shoes.

Arthur was not standing in darkness.

Darkness was standing around Arthur.

"Sir," Mike said carefully, because every survival instinct he had was now wearing a tie and speaking politely, "we haven't seen your sock, and we are just trying to stay out of trouble."

Arthur's expression softened at once. "Well, you shouldn't sit on that cold floor. You'll catch something." He reached into a grocery bag Mike had somehow not noticed before and pulled out a package of Double-Stuffed Reroes. "Here, have these. I bought too many."

Brenda took the package with both hands, staring at it like Arthur had handed her a holy relic from a cleaner age. The wrapper was bright, crisp, and perfect, with no fading, no damp corners, and no sign that the factory that made them had been a crater for years. She turned it over slowly, and Mike watched her face move through fear, wonder, suspicion, and hunger all at once.

"Thank you," Brenda whispered. Then, after a tiny pause that probably came from stress, starvation, or religious awakening, she added, "Your Majesty."

Arthur laughed, warm and genuine. "Majesty? Oh, you're a riot. I'm just Arthur." He straightened his sweater vest with a modest little tug, as if being called royalty was the most unusual thing that had happened to him all day. "Well, I'll leave you to your laundry, but if you see a blue argyle sock, do let me know."

He turned toward the front door.

A Ravager lunged from outside.

It was larger than the Shamblers, wide-shouldered and fast, the kind of thing survivors warned each other about in whispers because anyone who heard one too late usually did not get to warn anyone else. Mike barely had time to move before the creature crossed the doorway. Arthur did not see it at all.

His shadow did.

The darkness rose behind him, smooth and silent, and caught the Ravager in midair. There was a brief pressure in the room, like the air had been squeezed by an invisible hand, and then the monster was no longer a monster. Something small and neat dropped into the trash can beside the door with a dull little tap.

Arthur glanced toward the sound.

"Someone really should stop leaving mannequins around," he said, stepping over a pile of things that had recently been a street-blocking horde. "Such a tripping hazard."

The door closed behind him.

For a long while, nobody moved.

Tim finally lowered the screwdriver. "Did he just turn a Ravager into a Rubik's cube?"

Mike stared at the trash can, then at the package of cookies in Brenda's hands. His mind had handled acid rain, dead streets, hunger, and monsters with some level of effort, but Arthur Pringle had broken something inside it. "He gave us Reroes, Tim," Mike said quietly. "Double-Stuffed Reroes."

Brenda clutched the package to her chest, and for the first time in weeks her hands were steady.

Outside, Arthur walked down the melting street beneath his umbrella, whistling a bright little tune that drifted back through the broken windows. He stepped around craters, over old wreckage, and past things that moved out of his way before he noticed them. "What a nice group of kids," he said to himself, pleased by the thought. "So polite."

The street hissed beneath the rain.

Arthur kept walking.