I sat at the edge of the guild, chewing on Valmor cold, soggy leftover fries while questioning all my life choices.
Valmor now claimed he was a spiritual culinary expert.
"Any quests for me?" I asked, my hope on life support.
The guild clerk looked at me, then smiled like they'd just found new material for their next stand-up set.
"There is. But... you'll need to brace yourself mentally."
That sentence should have been a red flag.
But I was desperate.
So of course, I took it.
That night...
I stood.
On a stage.
Wearing leaves.
Face painted green.
And my hair—somehow—was braided to resemble bonsai roots.
I, Aria.
Human.
Knight.
Now… a tree.
But not just any tree.
A TREE THAT CRIES BECAUSE SHE LOST HER LITTLE SPROUT FRIEND NAMED TUTU.
I stood in the background, not allowed to move—except during the climax when I had to "cry in silence."
How does one even do that?
"Express sorrow through your eyes. But remain stiff like tree bark, okay?"
Said the director, a monocle-wearing goblin who picks his nose with a quill pen.
Meanwhile, in the audience...
Valmor sat comfortably, munching roasted chestnuts, wearing a fake director's robe.
"Ah, your expression is incredible," he said.
"So... wooden. You really merged with the concept of silence."
"I am wood now, Valmor," I muttered.
"Wood that no longer has self-respect."
Next scene:
Protagonist goblin: "Wise tree, have you seen my little sprout?"
Me: Silence.
Goblin: "Speak to me, guardian of the forest!"
Me: A single tear rolled down (because stage dust got in my eye).
Audience: "BRAVOOOOOO!!"
Valmor: clapping his hoof like he'd just created the most tragic work of art in existence.
After the show...
I sat backstage, still in my leafy costume, approached by the opera's producer (who—spoiler alert—was also a goblin).
"You have… a natural aura of sadness. Interested in becoming our permanent tree next season?"
I declined politely. By saying:
"You know, I'd rather be swallowed by a dragon. At least I'd have some dignity when I die."
Valmor approached.
"Don't be too hard on yourself."
"I just acted as a crying tree, Valmor."
"You were breathtaking. I almost photosynthesized just watching you."
"..."
"There's a new audition tomorrow. They're looking for someone to play 'A Depressed Rock That Explodes at Sunset.' Interested?"
I looked at Valmor with a hollow, philosophical gaze.
Then I stood up.
And walked away.
Still wearing the leaf costume.