"This job… is stable," said the guild clerk.
Me—mentally just barely stable too—signed it without reading the details.
Flagpole Guard.
Death rate : 0,1%
Duties: Stand. Guard. Stay silent.
EASY.
Or so thought my innocent little brain.
Day one.
I stood in the middle of a field.
The sun was trying its best to become an oven god.
Before me, a five-meter-tall pole stood with a large flag inscribed in ancient letters I couldn't read.
"The wind will speak through this cloth," said the priest running the ceremony.
"If the wind gets too chatty, can I fake a faint?" I asked.
He laughed.
"If the wind gets angry, the pole explodes."
...
WHAT?!
Hour one.
A gentle breeze.
The flag waved softly.
Valmor emerged from the shadows, munching an apple from who-knows-where.
"Wow. You've really... become an honorary pole," he said, elegantly lounging on a rock.
"This is a real job. Honest work. Not all of us can live as the pet of Heroes Horse."
Valmor nodded, sipping apple.
"If the pole explodes, can I inherit your shoes?"
Hour two.
The priest arrived with incense and said,
"If the flag waves to the left, the wind is sad. If it waves to the right, it's angry."
At this moment… the flag was spinning 360 degrees.
"Can I run now, sir?"
Hour three.
Still standing.
Sweat dripping like a tragic movie soundtrack.
The flag started whispering.
For real.
A soft voice, like an ex who wants closure and wants to ruin your life:"Wake up… Wake up… You are nothing…"
I looked at Valmor.
"You hear that too?"
"The flag said you look like a failed watermelon," he replied, barely holding in laughter.
I almost switched professions to Pole Shaman out of pure desperation.
Hour four.
Village kids arrived and started throwing pebbles at me.
"The pole's alive!" they shouted.
"OI, I'M NOT A POLE, I'M A PERSON!"
Valmor?
He took selfies with illusion magic and spread rumors:
"Sacred pole came to life. Going viral in the local elf circles."
Hour five.
Dark clouds.
Raging wind.
The pole shook.
The flag screamed.
I was ready to explode alongside this overly dramatic Wind God's banner.
"If I die, tell the world I used to work at a convenience store!" I yelled.
Valmor raised an eyebrow.
"Also tell them you once cried over french fries, okay?"
Suddenly…
the pole stopped trembling.
The wind calmed.
The priest came, eyes full of tears.
"You… have guarded the pole with body and soul. The Wind God is pleased."
I almost kissed the ground out of exhaustion.
"Will I… be paid…?"
"No, this is a... spiritual volunteer duty."
...
Valmor laughed.
That night, I sat in the inn.
Knees shaking.
Dignity shrinking.
Valmor handed me a slip of paper.
"What's this?"
"Your next job. Easier. Just... model for a catalog of failed wizard outfits."
I sighed.
"…Where's that pole? I want to hug it."