Okay. So there we were. Sitting at a table at the Third Round Knockout like we had just been summoned by destiny—or possibly doom. The three of us. Me, Lumine, and Paimon. Heroes of Teyvat. World-savers. Chaos magnets.
And in front of us? A letter.
Not your average love letter. Not even a threatening ransom note. Nah, this one had that ominous, wax-sealed, super-fancy-but-definitely-suspicious vibe. The kind of letter that either starts a revolution... or a wedding.
Paimon stared at it like it was going to explode.
"Should we open it?" she asked.
I folded my arms dramatically on the table and leaned in close like some depressed philosopher. "Is this a trap? Be honest. Maybe someone cursed it. Maybe it's got a seal that, once broken, summons a cryo abyss mage into my pants. Maybe it has MY NAME on it and I'm being targeted. AGAIN."
Lumine rolled her eyes so hard I swear I heard a crack. "Not everything is about you, you know? Idiot."
Ouch.
But also... fair.
We didn't touch the letter. Nope. We just stared at it like it owed us mora. For a good, long, awkward minute.
Then I broke the silence. "Man... Let's just go to Mondstadt and see who's getting married. Still hope it's not me though. But if it's me and Lisa, I might think about it."
WHACK.
Another smack to the head. Classic Lumine response. No chill. No hesitation. She's practically a reaction-based AI with a slap function.
——
So we did the only thing we could do.
Teleport waypoint to Mondstadt, baby.
I expected festive music. Balloons. Maybe even Kaeya in a tux juggling champagne bottles. But no. What did we get?
Silence.
The city was... quiet. Too quiet. The kind of quiet that said: "Either a murder just happened or a big event is about to ruin your day."
Only a few guards were patrolling. Not even a single bard strumming out of tune.
"Where is everyone...?" Lumine muttered.
Then—BAM! Guard spotted. Lawrence, the guy who looks like he's always five minutes away from quitting.
He waved. "There you are! Everyone's at the Cathedral! They've been waiting for you three!"
WAITING? US?
My heart skipped a beat. Then tripped. Then fell down a flight of emotional stairs.
I turned to Lumine, eyes wide, fear gripping me like a Hilichurl with performance anxiety.
"L-Lumine," I croaked. "You didn't set a wedding for us, right?! THIS ISN'T OUR WEDDING, RIGHT?!"
WHAP. Another slap. This one to my shoulder.
"We've been together this whole time," she growled. "In INAZUMA. How could I plan anything like this?!"
Pause.
Okay. She's got a point. A horrifyingly strong one.
But you know what? My paranoia is VALID.
I nodded and said with full chest, "Let's just go... and try not to ruin the wedding."
——
Of course, we couldn't just waltz into a cathedral looking like battle-worn goblins.
So—fashion detour time.
We hit Mondstadt's fanciest clothing shop. The kind that makes you feel poor just by standing near the window.
Lumine picked a golden dress so elegant I almost bowed to her on instinct. Paimon chose a puffball dress that made her look like she was about to be launched into space for a sugar-themed parade.
And me? Oh baby. I got myself a suit. A sleek black one with a deep crimson trim, gold buttons, and a CAPE. Because let's be real. If I'm gonna suffer today, I might as well look hot doing it.
I struck a pose in the mirror. Winked.
"Damn," I muttered. "I'd marry me."
"Please don't," Lumine said flatly.
"Too late," Paimon giggled. "He's already made himself the ring bearer and the groom."
I flipped my cape dramatically. "Tragic."
We were ready.
Locked. Loaded. Dripped out.
Time to crash—er, I mean attend—a wedding.
And try REALLY HARD not to accidentally cause another diplomatic incident.
Let's do this.
***
Alright.
So. Picture this.
A massive Cathedral. Fancy pillars. People all dressed up like the world is ending and they're attending the apocalypse in style. Even the high officials of Liyue were present—Ganyu in a soft qipao styled for the occasion, Keqing in an elegant dress that still somehow hinted at her usual sharp presence, and Ningguang gracing the pews like royalty incarnate. All seated, all composed. All bearing witness to this monumental union of Mondstadt's finest.
AND ME.
Standing there in my drip cape, trying not to pass out from the sheer pressure of this super event of the century. Everyone's seated. EVEN Zhongli is there. Which means this wedding has more weight than Rex Lapis's rock collection.
"Oh, you three are finally here," Zhongli said, seated near the front like a dignified dad.
"We've been waiting for yah!" Venti slurred with a happy little wobble next to him. Dude's 50% alcohol, 50% bard, 100% chaos.
I nudged them with the subtle grace of a drunk cow. "Sooooo... who's tying the knot today?"
Zhongli just leaned in real mysterious-like and whispered, "Someone very important."
BRO.
That is NOT helpful. That could be anyone! That could be you, you ancient cryptid! Or Venti! Or us! Or-
"Alright, the bride is about to arrive. Time to do my thing," Venti said with a twirl, walking up front with his lyre like some musical angelic gremlin.
Then it started.
Petals. Like full-on flower girls tossing chaos in the form of flora. Klee was there. KLEE! Smiling like she wasn't one explosion away from arson. Precious.
Charlotte was snapping pictures from the sideline. Even she made it?! God bless Fontaine journalism.
And then...
Boom. Knights.
Kaeya. Eula. Amber. Lisa. And some random outliers.
All lining the aisle like some Avengers initiative. The drama. The choreography. Lisa winked at me. I almost died.
AND THEN.
There she was.
The bride.
Tall.
Gorgeous.
Gown so elegant I forgot how to blink.
Veil hiding her face like this was some kind of dramatic reveal anime episode. And I... said things. Out loud.
"She's tall... and has a nice body..."
WHACK.
Lumine, certified Morality Police, smacked me right in the skull.
"OW! What was THAT for?!"
"You know what."
I was about to retort with something poetic and possibly dumb when...
...blond.
Her hair. I saw her hair.
WAIT.
"Wait a second... is that... JEAN?!"
Barbara was right beside her, fixing the gown with big sister vibes cranked to eleven even though she's the younger sister.
I turned to the altar.
There he was.
Red hair. Slick ponytail. A suit so clean I almost had an identity crisis and forgot I'm a straight male.
"DILUC!?"
My knees buckled.
But Lumine caught me like the responsible party member she is.
"They're getting married... My babies are getting married... I could die in peace..."
"When did you become their parent?!" Paimon yelled.
Valid question. But listen. I've been pushing these two since Chapter 8. I'VE INVESTED.
The ceremony began.
Some pink-haired twink stepped up. New character alert?! I blinked. Might've been released post-mortem. Earth updates fast.
Then...
Xiao walked in.
Wearing WHITE.
White suit. Mask still on. Still scowling like we asked him to babysit an Abyss Mage.
Carrying the rings.
Right. Chapter 41. Zhongli did ask Jean and Diluc if they'd hire a Yaksha as ring bearer.
Behind him, all the other Adepti appeared. Human forms. Glowing. Radiating that divine NPC energy. Mountain Shaper was among them.
I couldn't help it.
"Waddup Master! I've grown strong now! Like totally strong!"
He just "hmmph"-ed.
But I saw it.
A SMILE.
A faint one. BUT IT WAS THERE. I'll take that win.
Now to the good stuff.
The vows.
Diluc took Jean's hand. Looked like he might cry. My man.
"Jean," he said, his voice soft but strong, "you've always carried the weight of Mondstadt with grace. Even when the skies were heavy, even when I turned away from the city... you stayed. You believed. In the city. In others. In me."
Insert internal sobbing.
"I promise, from now on, you don't have to carry anything alone. I'll be there. Beside you. Always."
A DAMNED LEGEND!
I wanted to scream. I did scream. I was vibrating in my seat. I swear I heard someone behind me go, "is that guy okay?" No. I was not okay. I was witnessing history. My man just dropped the equivalent of an Archon-tier vow and I might've ascended on the spot.
Then Jean.
"Diluc," she said, holding his hand tighter, "I waited. Not for a fairytale. But for someone who would understand the burden. Who would fight, quietly, fiercely, like you always have. I've loved you longer than I realized. And now... I choose you. In peace. In war. In all our quiet moments in between."
MY HEART.
I clutched my chest like I'd just been shot through the soul. I wasn't ready. I WASN'T READY. My emotions did a full somersault and landed in a puddle of tears and denial. This was peak romance. I might never emotionally recover.
The pink-haired twink cleared his throat, then stood upright with an exaggerated reverence, as though he had just been spiritually possessed by every priest and Archon-blessed officiant in all of Teyvat. He raised his hands with theatrical grandeur and intoned, in a resounding and dramatically solemn voice:
"By the sacred authority vested in me as Deacon of the Church of Favonius, and before the witnesses gathered here today, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife."
He paused for dramatic effect, one hand raised toward the heavens like a bard calling upon divine forces. "You may now kiss the bride."
AND THEN-
THEY KISSED.
AND I LOST IT.
"YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Everyone turned to look at me. Heads whipped, brows raised, mouths slightly open.
Did I care?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
LET THEM STARE. I'M GONNA FANBOY WITH PRIDE. I'VE EARNED THIS!!!"
Tears. Snot. Everything. Emotional damage. Catharsis.
Lumine shoved a tissue into my hand like she'd prepared for this.
"I've worked hard for this," I sobbed. "I SHIPPED THEM! I PUSHED THEM TOGETHER! I SUFFERED FOR THIS! SINCE CHAPTER 8!"
"Please stop yelling," Paimon whispered, hiding her face. "People are looking."
I didn't care.
MY CHILDREN. ARE. MARRIED.
AFTER 59 CHAPTERS.
FINALLY.
All that suffering. All that subtle matchmaking. All those suspicious glances between them. THE SLOWBURN.
WAS WORTH IT.
And after that heartwarming ceremony. Or just me fanboying both internally and externally. Reception time, baby!
The wedding was over, but the afterparty? Oh-ho-HO. Now THIS was where the real plot thickened. The tea brewed. The shippers screamed. And the snacks? Divine.
The venue? Dawn Winery.
Of course it was. Fancy as hell, estate big enough to host three separate wars and still have room for Kaeya to dramatically monologue on a balcony. Everything smelled like expensive wine and aristocratic pressure.
We walked in like celebrities entering an after-Oscars party.
Lumine, looking suspiciously elegant, turned to me with her "serious business face."
"Paimon and I will go greet Lady Ningguang and the others. Don't get drunk in the first ten minutes, Shigeru."
"No promises," I said, already eyeing the sparkling wine with the intensity of a man about to make poor decisions.
So now here I am. Sitting.
Me. Venti. Zhongli.
The Three Horsemen of Dumbassery, Class, and Chaos.
We sat at our elegantly carved table like we were in a mafia meeting. Except replace the crime talk with confused silence and occasional Venti slurps.
Around us, the party was bumpin'.
Cheerful chatter. Elegant gowns. Toasts being raised. Even Razor was there, sniffing wine like it was some kind of dangerous potion. The newlyweds were surrounded by friends and loved ones, exchanging smiles, glasses, and lingering gazes that made my heart do somersaults.
Then-
Zhongli, the forever-dignified rock uncle, finally broke the silence like an ancient bell echoing through the mountains.
"So," he said calmly, looking at me with that all-knowing dad aura. "How's your business in Inazuma?"
Oh boy.
Here we go.
I leaned back. Took a breath. And unleashed the chaos.
"Alright, old man, buckle up. First off, I got sea-sick. Like, Venti-level dizzy. Almost threw up on a crane. Which, in fact, I did, but we don't talk about that here. THEN I partnered with a Hydro Daddy — not what it sounds like, he's just really wet and noble — and we kinda bonded. Also, I may or may not have petted Ayaka like a cat. Multiple times."
Zhongli nodded. Venti blinked.
"That seems... oddly specific."
"I'm just getting started. THEN I squared up with the Raiden Puppet. Literally! She came at me like a malfunctioning blender with a sword. Got myself arrested. Again. Third time this year. I'm gonna collect wanted posters like trading cards."
Venti started cackling.
"Joined a rebellion, tried to stop a couple of people from dying, but of course failed because plot armor wasn't on my side that day. But I managed to save one though. Then Lumine and Paimon got kidnapped by a fox lady, and I, being the ever-reliable idiot, tried to stop it."
"Did you succeed?" Zhongli asked.
"Nope! Failed spectacularly. BUT plot twist! The fox was like, 'Help me help you.' So we did. THEN back to the Kamisato Estate. Pet Ayaka again. Like a ritual at this point."
Venti spilled a bit of wine laughing.
"Oh and! Found Hydro Daddy again. Reminded him of his upcoming marriage with a sassy Inazuman girl currently residing in Fontaine. Y'know. Typical Tuesday. THEN, rematch with the puppet shogun. BUT! Plot twist! Met the real Electro Archon again!"
Zhongli raised a brow.
"She was... not happy. But we fought. And Lumine and I beat her out of her Eternal Depression Fortress! Made her cry. Like full-on existential tears."
Silence.
Then-
"You made an Archon cry," Venti said.
"And lived," Zhongli added.
"Yep. Then Hydro Daddy again — yes, again — and we signed a contract. With him AND a hot Harbinger. The same one that nearly killed Venti."
Venti gasped. "You mean her?!"
I nodded. Dramatically.
"Then boom. Back to Liyue. I need a nap."
Zhongli stared. Venti blinked. Both nodded slowly.
"...So a lot of petting, rebellion, criminal charges, and divine therapy," Venti concluded.
"Also made a few allies along the way," I added.
And just as I said that...
THERE.
Across the crowd.
AYAKA. AYATO. THOMA.
"AYAYAAAAAA!" I bolted.
I ran across that ballroom like a dog seeing its favorite human after five years.
"AYAYAAAAAAAAAA!"
I reached her, pet her head, gave her snacks like a vending machine of affection.
"My little snow princess!"
Ayaka blinked but smiled gently. Thoma chuckled. Ayato sipped his tea like he saw this coming.
"You!" I pointed at Ayato. "You're coming with me!"
"Where are we going?"
"To introduce you to my Dads."
I dragged the poor man across the floor until we arrived at the table.
"Boys! This is the Hydro Daddy I was talking about."
Zhongli stood and offered a polite nod. Venti did a twirl. "Hello, Good sir."
Ayato chuckled. "Kamisato Ayato. Pleasure."
"I'm Morax."
"And I'm Barbatos~"
Ayato raised a brow. "Ah. So he did tell the truth."
"Right... I did mention that." I muttered
He smirked. "You kept calling them that even in public."
"Damn it."
We laughed.
Then-
A tap on the mic.
"Shigeru? The newlyweds would like you to say a few words."
AH. IT'S TIME.
THE SHIGERU SPEECH.
I walked up. Cleared my throat. Looked around at the sea of faces. Deep breath.
"Ladies. Gentlemen. Kaeya."
Pause for dramatic effect.
"I stand before you all as a proud witness to the ultimate slowburn romance. A love forged through trauma, awkward eye contact, mutual respect, and late-night guard shifts."
Diluc was already facepalming.
"Jean. You are an elegant hurricane of efficiency. Diluc. You are a smoldering pile of unresolved trauma wrapped in a wine-scented suit. Together? A powerhouse. A symbol of hope. A reminder that if you love someone enough, and ignore the signs just long enough... eventually, they'll crack and fall in love with you too."
Jean covered her face. Kaeya died laughing. Lisa giggled and made my knees jiggle but I remained standing. Can't simp now. I need to say my final declaration.
"I have shipped many ships in my life. Some sank. Some exploded. But THIS ONE? THIS ONE SAILED, BABY!"
Cue cheers. I bowed dramatically.
I stepped down.
Diluc sighed so hard I felt it in my soul. Jean, red as a pyro slime, gave me a thumbs-up from behind her hands.
"Worth it," I whispered to myself.
And thus, the reception continued.
With wine. With laughter. With love.
And with me, still feeding Ayaka snacks and humming victory jingles.
THE END. For now.
And to the rest... Clorinde and Wriothesley. Capitano and Mavuika. You're up next. I see you. I'm watching. I'm rooting. Don't disappoint me.
Next up... matchmaking part two. LET'S GOOOOOOOO.
_______________________
End of Chapter 67
Quests Completed:
*Attend a wedding wou were invited to and look decent (ish), avoid wine spills, and sit through two people promising eternal love.
*Say one (1) thing right for once.
*Sit next to two literal gods and traumatize them with your life choices.
*Tell your ENTIRE villain arc to Morax and Barbatos over wedding hors d'oeuvres.
*Deliver snacks and affection to your favorite snow princess. (Without Getting Arrested)
*Drag the head of the kamisato clan into your chaos (Ayato meet gods. Gods meet Ayato.)
*Give a wedding speech that will be remembered for centuries (Speak from the heart. Overshare. Possibly roast both the groom and his bride.)
Rewards:
*+5,000 EXP in Storytelling Nonsense
*+10 Hydro Daddy Affection
*+15 Ayaka Affection (with Snacks Multiplier Bonus)
*+1 Zhongli Respect (unclear if sarcastic or sincere)
* -2 Venti Brain Cells
*+100,000 Mora (stolen from Diluc's wine vault; unconfirmed)
*Morax's Subtle Concern Buff: Active
*Title Unlocked: "Wedding Speech Speedrunner"
*New Quest Unlocked: "Ship Manifestation: Clorinde x Wriothesley"