Lu Yan took a long time to speak.
Since entering her room, and finding Chen Hai waiting for her, she'd known this question was coming.
Now, she had to take a gamble.
Chen Yuan was pretty certain she was Ji Jing's disciple. If she lied to Chen Hai now, she'd lose all the trust she'd built with him.
She was gambling that Chen Hai wouldn't tell his brother details of this conversation. She was gambling that even if he did, Chen Yuan wouldn't be able to make waves with master on guard against him.
"When I was young, my parents took my brothers to the border. They left me with grandmother. My aunt disliked me, and had me sent to a little farm. I lived there for many years."
"What does this have to do with Ji Jing?" Chen Hai asked.
"It's where everything starts. I had only one maid around me. My aunt would send supplies every month- food, clothing. In the beginning, it wasn't so bad. But as the years passed, the supplies became smaller."
"Why would she do that?"
"I still don't know why she disliked me so much."
Lu Yan had wanted to find out at one point, but later too much happened, and she never had the chance.
She continued, "The winter I was eight, my maid and I had only a bit of wood, a few sacks of oats and rice, and five blankets to get through winter. It was so cold in that farm that we used to sleep together. I had been sick for weeks at that time, and no one from the Lu family cared."
Lu Yan thought of those miserable days. She thought she was over it all, but even now the sting of rejection and neglect lingered.
Flatly, she said, "My maid heard from the villagers that a snowstorm was coming. We decided to get a doctor from the city. I thought that he'd be forced by the snow to stay at the farm, and would treat me for free."
Chen Hai couldn't help his lips rising in a little smile.
Lu Yan saw his little smile, "I know, but I was only eight. Fortunately, the doctor my maid invited happened to be Ji Jing in disguise."
Chen Hai's smile faded away.
"I think," Lu Yan said looking at the bed curtains, "That he felt I was pitiful. He took me in, just like he'd take a dog in."
Ji Jing was famous in the capital for keeping many dogs. Every time he came across an abandoned dog on the street, he would have it taken to the Ji family ancestral home. People said he liked dogs more than he liked people.
"He kept me warm, fed me, and gave me clothes to wear. I spent three years in the Ji family army camp. I was following the junior physicians around the medicine hall to keep busy. Later, my parents returned from the border. No matter how I begged to stay, he left me at the farm again."
Even now, talking about being left at the farm again made her feel distressed.
Seeing her expression, Chen Hai said gently, "What else could he do? He could hardly have kidnapped a Lu family daughter and hidden her in his family army camp."
"I know that. But my aunt hated me enough to slowly starve me to death. My parents and grandmother didn't care enough to stop it. I didn't want to go home. I felt really betrayed at that time."
Chen Hai thought through everything.
For a while, neither of them spoke.
Then he took her hand, and slowly laid down on his back, whispering, "So, my brother is attaching me to you. Because he tried to assassinate Ji Jing and failed."
Lu Yan didn't speak.
Chen Hai continued, his hold on her hand growing tighter, "Now the Chen family is hanging on a knife's edge, and he thinks your connection with the regent will save us."
"I'm not that important," Lu Yan warned him softly.
Chen Hai lay still as a stone, but his heart was racing so fast he felt it would pop right out of his chest.
He felt paralyzed by fear. His palm holding Lu Yan's became wet with sweat.
"No wonder you've been so worried," he breathed.
They lay there together.
Lu Yan's exhaustion soon took over, and she fell into a deep sleep.
Chen Hai however, remained awake, his heart pounding.
After a while, he turned his head and looked at Lu Yan's sleeping face.
She looked thinner than ever, and the skin beneath her eyes was purple.
He felt a flicker of some stabbing emotion, realizing once again that she was carrying their child.
Knowing the circumstances now, it was no wonder she would sneak out of her ancestral home to seek someone from Ji Jing's side.
Unable to bear it, he slowly sat up and left the bed.
Outside, the summer sun shone hot.
Chen Hai sat in the yard, staring blankly at the distance, thinking about nothing and everything.
He didn't know how long it was before Lu Yan's maids woke her up again.
Lu Yan had washed her face, and fixed her ornaments before coming outside.
Seeing him lost in thought, she called out.
He looked up, and seeing her, the haziness that had gathered over him dispersed. He smiled slightly.
Lu Yan walked over, sat beside him, and handed him a handkerchief. It was one of her own.
"Put this in your outer pocket," she instructed.
He did so without question.
Lu Yan smiled playfully, "Now, do you want to ignore my cousin sister? Or do you want to torment her?"
Chen Hai couldn't understand how she could be so nonchalant, knowing what she knew. But, he supposed she had had more time to deal with it.
When he remained silent, Lu Yan poked him in the ribs.
He jumped.
She laughed silently.
He pretended to poke her back.
She swatted his hand away playfully.
"Well?" she asked.
Chen Hai shook his head. "I don't know. What do you think?"
"I think we should torment her."
"How?"
Lu Yan held her cousin's handkerchief by a corner, and twirled it in the air, "Well, since she wanted to trap you, we can dig the same trap for her."
"What does that mean?"
"She'll probably raise a fuss at dinner about her missing handkerchief. Then someone, probably one of the maids, will 'accidentally' discover it in your pocket."
Chen Hai's mouth made an 'o' shape.
Lu Yan smirked at him, "Let's give her a taste of her own medicine."