[…]
[System Notification: You have gained +3 Anxiety. Would you like to activate?] [Coping Mechanism: Pretend You're Dead]
"I would, System," I muttered under my breath, "but I doubt they'll fall for it a fourth time."
The marble tiles beneath me were cool. Refreshing, even. That might've been because I was lying face-down on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Again.
Above me, yandere-induced chaos hummed faintly—Princess Seraphina and Drakana were arguing about whose romantic dinner proposal involved fewer assassination plots.
Spoiler: neither.
I was just about to consider faking a seizure when—
A blinding golden light erupted in the room like someone set off a divine flashbang.
I blinked. Once. Twice.
And then—"WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO THIS EVENING'S SPECIAL EDITION OF—ERIS ANSWERS!"
I sat up so fast I almost gave myself whiplash.
There she was. Goddess Eris herself, perched behind a glimmering stage desk set up in the middle of my room, dressed like a late-night talk show host, complete with a sequined violet blazer, golden mic headset, and a giant mug labeled "TEARS OF MORTALS."
A flashing [LIVE] sign hovered above her.
"…You made a set?" I gawked. "In my room?!"
"Of course," Eris grinned. "Do you have any idea how high your show's ratings are upstairs? The gods have popcorn vendors now. Poseidon's got an illegal betting ring going."
"Betting on what?!"
"Your survival."
I blinked. "That's actually kind of flattering—"
"Most of them bet against you."
"Ah."
Eris slammed her mug down. "Tonight's format is Q&A. You ask me questions. I roast you like your IQ's on clearance. Capiche?"
[System Notification: New Mission Unlocked! → "Survive the Q&A"]
[Objective: Answer every question without dying of shame.]
[Reward: +1 (illusory) hope.]
[Warning: This mission cannot be declined.]
I wanted to die. But that was probably the point.
"Alright, alright," I said, sitting cross-legged on the floor like a prisoner in therapy. "Let's just get this over with—"
"Too late!" Eris clapped once.
The air shimmered.
Five spotlights clicked on.
Five familiar silhouettes stepped out from the void.
And I felt my soul flee my body.
"Good evening," Princess Seraphina said sweetly, her pristine royal dress now accompanied by cue cards. "I've prepared seventy-nine questions."
Drakana cracked her knuckles, smoke drifting from her nostrils. "Mine are all yes-or-yes questions."
Rosette gave a faint bow, holding a clipboard that read: "Rei's Emotional Vulnerabilities: Revised."
Lilia skipped forward in a frilly pink wedding dress that definitely hadn't been approved by reality, waving a glitter pen.
Lucivella—Queen of the actual demons—sat cross-legged in the air, already eating popcorn. "I'm just here to watch you squirm."
"Now then!" Eris chirped. "Our first question comes from contestant #1: Seraphina!"
"Thank you, Goddess Eris," the princess said, voice poised and terrifying. "Dearest Rei, if you had to pick only one woman to spend the rest of your life with, would you—"
"Explosion," I said quickly.
"…Excuse me?"
"Explosion," I repeated. "I would choose explosion."
Eris gave a chef's kiss. "Wonderful! Self-destruction is always a crowd-pleaser."
[System Notification: +1 to Self-Awareness.]
Seraphina's smile tightened. "Duly noted."
Drakana grinned and stepped forward, holding up a hand-drawn diagram that appeared to be a murder chart. "Alright. Let's say you were dying. Bleeding out. One of us had to cauterize your wounds with fire breath. Who would you trust the most?"
"…Not the girl already on fire."
"That's a trick question," Drakana beamed. "The answer is me no matter what."
"I feel threatened."
"You should."
Eris kicked her feet up on the desk. "Next!"
Rosette's turn. She glided forward in a maid uniform so crisp it could cut glass.
"If," she said softly, "I were to hypothetically clone you using residual DNA from your pillowcase, would you consider that a breach of trust?"
I stared at her. "Wait, what do you mean 'hypothetically'—"
She smiled. "Don't worry. The clone is still in development."
"STILL?!"
[System Message: You have unlocked a new Fear Type → Existential.]
Eris cackled. "That's a good one! Alright, Lilia, what do you have?"
Lilia grinned and held up a notebook. The entire page was covered in different font sizes of my name.
"I just wanted to ask: Will you wear the tuxedo with the crimson tie I left under your pillow or the cream one with the rose-scented lapel?"
"Neither! How did you even get into my room?!"
She tilted her head. "Silly. I never left."
[System Warning: Stealth Yandere Detected.]
Lucivella casually tossed popcorn into her mouth. "I just have one question."
"Please, no."
She ignored me. "Rei, when are you going to give up on all this resistance and marry me like destiny demands?"
"Destiny can eat a shoe."
"Tempting," Lucivella purred. "Want me to demonstrate?"
"Next question!" I squeaked.
Eris spun around in her chair. "Well, well, well. Seems like someone's in need of a romantic intervention. Time to break out… THE YANDERE METER!"
The ceiling cracked open.
A massive screen descended like a doomsday prophecy.
[System Update: YANDERE METER Online.]
[Subject: Rei Arclight]
[Analyzing Affection Levels…]
[Princess Seraphina – Obsession Level: 98%]
[Drakana – Obsession Level: 96%]
[Rosette – Obsession Level: 99%]
[Lilia – Obsession Level: 100% + Bonus Tracker Mode Enabled]
[Lucivella – Obsession Level: ∞ (Demonic Authority Overridden Cap)]
I stared at the numbers.
"…Is infinity even allowed?!"
Eris was doubled over laughing. "Lucivella broke the algorithm. Again."
Lucivella winked. "Oops."
[System Notification: Your chances of peaceful escape have dropped to: Error.]
I rubbed my temples. "Okay. Real talk. How do I not die?"
Eris popped her knuckles. "Glad you asked! Presenting—THE ROMANTIC SURVIVAL FLOWCHART."
She tossed a giant scroll at me.
I unrolled it.
It had one path.
Just one.
"Submit and Die (Together)."
"W-Where's the rest?"
"There is no rest," Eris said cheerfully. "Only doom. And weddings."
I sat back, defeated. "So I'm really stuck here forever."
Rosette gently laid a napkin on my lap. "We brought snacks."
Seraphina leaned forward. "Would you prefer a wedding under moonlight or starlight?"
"Cremation."
Drakana shrugged. "I can arrange that."
Eris leaned across the table, resting her chin on her hands.
"Final question, Rei," she said sweetly. "What's your favorite flavor… of obsession?"
"…None?"
She frowned. "Incorrect. The answer is: YOUR SOUL."
The audience (which apparently existed in a pocket dimension) applauded.
[System Notification: Congratulations! You have survived the Q&A.]
[Reward: Mild PTSD.]
[Side Effect: Your nightmares now have a laugh track.]
I curled up in the fetal position.
Eris patted my head. "Don't worry, my little doomed protagonist. I'll see you next episode."
Flash.
She vanished.
The stage disappeared.
The girls remained.
Drakana breathed fire on a bouquet.
Rosette whispered, "Sleep well."
Lucivella adjusted her veil.
Seraphina reached for my hand.
And Lilia? Lilia just smiled, holding out a tuxedo.
"Let's plan tomorrow's vow rehearsal, darling."
I looked at the system.
It blinked once.
Then showed:
[System Suggestion: Sleep With Both Eyes Open.]
To be continued…