There were many things a man could wake up to: sunlight, birdsong, or the warm embrace of a lover. Rei woke up to all three.
Unfortunately, they were coming from three different hidden harpists, a military-trained chorus of doves, and Seraphina sitting on his chest in a silk robe, smiling like a woman who had just bought a husband on discount.
"Good morning, darling~" she cooed, swirling a crystal goblet of… was that spa water? It was spa water. It sparkled ominously. "Today is your day of rest and rehabilitation."
Rei blinked. "I—I feel pretty rehabilitated, actually. Never been better! Let's go home."
Seraphina smiled wider. "Home is here now."
Rei slowly turned his head. They were no longer in his room.
They were in a five-star palace-sized spa, marble floors glowing with enchantments, steam drifting lazily from spring-fed pools. Cherry blossoms rained down from an indoor tree—indoors—while servants tiptoed around in golden slippers. It was luxury incarnate. It also had an overwhelming smell of lavender and danger.
[System Notification: You have entered "Seraphina's Royal Spa Getaway." Survival chances: 42% and falling.]
[System Mission Update: Do not get surprise-bathed. Do not look directly at the maid poetry scrolls. Do not let her oil your back.]
Rei sat up slowly. "Where's my emergency towel? My panic robe?"
Seraphina stood up like a goddess unveiling herself. "Today, you are mine. Entirely mine. I've taken the liberty of dismissing all other brides for 24 hours. The kingdom is currently sealed off under Royal Spa Protocol."
"…You what?"
She patted his cheek gently. "Shhh. Breathe deeply, darling. Inhale the 'Love Blossom Steam Blend.' It's designed to suppress resistance and encourage cuddling."
He took a deep breath.
Passed out.
Rei woke up again. This time, he was floating on a rose-petal raft in the middle of a warm mineral pool, being pushed slowly by two silent, robed attendants who were definitely too muscular to just be spa staff.
He sat up with a start.
"Ah, he awakens," came Seraphina's voice, echoing like a queen addressing her people. "Begin phase two!"
The orchestra—yes, there was a full orchestra—began to play a string sonata titled "The Empress's Beloved Soaks His Soul."
A bird landed on Rei's head. It was carrying a tiny haiku "His breath is gentle Like spring winds across moonlight Let me bear his child."
Rei squawked, nearly toppling into the water.
A [System Warning] pinged instantly.
[System Notification: You are under the effect of "Too Much Romance." System recommends: Tactical Flailing or Tactical Compliments.]
Rei chose tactical flailing.
Splash.
Seraphina was beside him in a flash. "Darling!" she gasped, diving into the water with the grace of a highborn swan. "Did you fall in on purpose to join me? Oh, you hopeless romantic~"
"I—what?! No, I—"
She hugged him from behind.
He activated Tactical Compliment Mode: "You smell like a really fancy candle."
She melted.
[Affection +3. Threat Level: Moderate.]
They arrived at the Couples' Aromatherapy Room, where a blindfolded masseuse tried to give Rei "memory muscle relief" by massaging his lower back while whispering poetry written by Seraphina herself.
"My lord," the masseuse whispered reverently, "your pain echoes the sorrows of a thousand comets lost to love."
"…Can I get a napkin?"
"No. Only lavender-scented silks, my liege."
[System Notification: Dignity -2. Back Tension +7.]
Seraphina sat beside him on a reclining sofa, sipping wine as she dictated new poems to her staff.
"Make sure this one's in gold ink. It's titled: 'Ode to His Shoulder Blade.'"
One servant whispered, "It deserves a ballad version."
"Approved," Seraphina said regally.
Rei rubbed his temple. "You had this built in three days?"
She gave him a sly smile. "I already had the blueprints made. Just in case."
"In case of what?"
"In case of love's sudden blooming, obviously."
"Sudden? You tried to drug me with lavender."
Lunch was "Love Bento No. 5," served by staff wearing masks of Rei's face. Each item was shaped like his head.
Rei poked a rice ball.
It poked back.
"Is it… alive?"
"No," Seraphina said. "It's enchanted. So it can moan when you bite it."
He bit one out of morbid curiosity.
"Aaahn~," it moaned, sounding alarmingly like him.
He choked and launched it across the room.
[System Notification: You have lost 1 point of Mental Stability.]
[You have gained "Cursed Culinary Experience I."]
Seraphina giggled, fanning herself. "Isn't it romantic?"
"No. It's edible performance art from a horror movie."
Then came the Romantic Surprise Bath Ambush.
Rei walked into the wrong room (he thought it was the library—it was not). The floor opened up. He fell.
Into a heart-shaped jacuzzi.
Candles lit themselves.
Seraphina was already in the water.
"So~ You fell for me again?"
"I FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR."
She approached slowly. "You can't escape destiny, my prince."
"I CAN JUMP OUT THE WINDOW."
"Glass is enchanted."
"I'LL JUMP THROUGH MY OWN DIGNITY."
She pounced.
He screamed, rolled out of the bath, ran straight into the koi pond, and flopped into the water like a soggy towel.
The koi circled him ominously. One of them had a tiny crown.
He glared at it.
It glared back.
[System Notification: You are now the temporary ruler of the koi kingdom. Title: "Prince of Poor Decisions."]
An hour later, soaking wet, wrapped in a towel that read "Property of Her Majesty's Husband", Rei trudged down the hallway.
"I just want to live…" he muttered.
That's when a poet spy maid leapt from a potted plant and handed him a scroll.
"He evades affection Like moon slips past ocean tide Yet still, he is caught."
Rei screamed and lit it on fire.
Behind him, Seraphina gasped. "Did you burn the poem I wrote in blood-red ink?!"
"…Yes?"
"You understand me so well."
The final stage was the Evening Moon Spa Rooftop Date.
It was almost beautiful: floating platforms over starlit water, dinner served by clockwork automatons, and a harpist playing "Melt My Soul With Passion, Vol. IX."
Seraphina held Rei's hand across the table.
"You've survived nearly twelve hours," she said proudly. "That means you're ready for the final trial."
"...Trial?"
She stood.
"I hereby propose… a bath together, with poem recitation, back scrubbing, and synchronized underwater kissing."
Rei stood too.
"I hereby propose… I fake my death right now."
He reached for the candle.
She caught his hand.
"I love how dramatic you are."
He faceplanted into the dessert tray.
[System Notification: Mission Complete — Survive All Five Dates (1/5)]
[Reward: One (1) "Rest Day Coupon." Usable once. Non-transferable. No refunds.]
[Bonus Reward: "Moaning Rice Ball Pet" acquired.]
[Warning: Seraphina is planning 'Spa Honeymoon Part 2: Jacuzzi Justice']
[Estimated Recovery Time: 3–5 business eternities.]
Rei groaned into the fondue.
And somewhere in the shadows, Drakana sharpened her claws.
Tomorrow was her turn.
To be continued…