Rei knew something was wrong the moment the carriage stopped before reaching the ominous hilltop yandere villa.
The driver—a maid in a terrifyingly cute bonnet that had a knife strapped to its side—gave him a look of utmost sympathy, handed him a handwritten will, and whispered, "Good luck, young master. If she asks about your favorite ice cream flavor from when you were six years and five days old, it was lavender-rose."
Then she kicked him out of the carriage and sped off like she was escaping a war zone.
Rei turned to face the looming house before him.
A white picket fence. A garden of perfectly arranged bluebells. A wooden swing set gently swaying in the breeze. A cozy little house with heart-shaped windows.
It was... his old childhood home.
"Wait. What?" Rei blinked. "This is my house from when I was five."
As he stepped inside, the scent hit him first.
That nostalgic, emotionally weaponized smell of his old baby shampoo. That exact mix of soft peach, hypoallergenic tears, and innocent trauma.
"No," Rei muttered. "She wouldn't."
"Yes," said a warm voice behind him.
He turned—and there she was.
Lilia. Childhood friend. Silent assassin. Yandere housemaid deluxe.
Today, she wore a gentle smile, a pastel sundress, and an apron that read: "I Cleaned Up Your Future."
And she was holding... a baby bottle filled with strawberry milk.
"Welcome home," she said, stepping forward. "We've returned to simpler times."
"I'm twenty-five—"
"In soul, yes," Lilia agreed gently, "but in heart, you're forever five."
Rei backed up instinctively, bumping into a tiny table filled with his favorite childhood snacks—roasted dino-nuggets, mismatched jellybeans, and a suspiciously fresh plate of cookies shaped like his own face.
[System Notification: Warning — Environmental Level: Maximal Nostalgia Detected.]
[Sub-Notification: Emotional Guilt Trip Aura — +300% Manipulation Effectiveness.]
"I made everything from memory," Lilia said, walking slowly around him like a predator who wore lace. "Every inch, every detail. I even paid an archivist to reconstruct the exact creaks your floor made when you sleepwalked into the pantry at night."
"You what."
"The wood type is haunted elm," she added helpfully. "Just like back then."
Rei's left eye twitched.
"And this," she said with the reverence of a temple priestess, "is the living room where we watched Princess Pony Parade."
"I only watched one episode!"
"You called the pink one your 'battle horse.'" Her eyes sparkled. "I remember every word."
[System Notification: Memory Trap Detected.]
[Suggested Action: Crying. Maybe. Or Disassociation.]
Before Rei could make a strategic retreat, she grabbed his hand.
"Come," Lilia whispered. "Let me show you the nursery."
"The what now."
But it was too late.
She led him down a hallway that looked exactly like the one from his youth. There were even fake crayon drawings on the wall—his, Lilia's, and one deeply disturbing picture of a sword labeled "Mommy's Toothpick."
Finally, she opened the final door.
The room was white and pink, filled with stuffed animals, soft blankets, and a rocking chair that looked like it had a personality disorder. On the wall was a mural of a smiling family—Rei, Lilia, and... five babies. Each with suspiciously different hair colors.
"This is the Future Nursery," Lilia said, voice serene. "I planned it last year, then had it constructed the day after you woke from your coma."
"That's... oddly efficient."
"I had a ten-year head start."
[System Notification: Yandere Real Estate — Property Constructed in 0.5x Normal Time.]
[New Sub-Quest: Escape the Room Without Mentioning Condoms.]
Rei slowly backed away.
"I think I feel... food poisoning," he said weakly. "Yes. It's tragic. My stomach—ugh. The nostalgia. It's made me lactose intolerant. Gotta run."
She nodded understandingly. "Poor thing. I'll bring you porridge."
"No need, really—"
But she was already gone and back again, holding a bowl of warm, homemade porridge that had little seaweed letters floating in it: "Say Aaaah~"
Rei tried to summon tears. Or faint. Or maybe teleport. None of those skills had leveled up yet.
"Here," Lilia said, holding up a spoon. "One bite, and I'll tell you where I buried the last suitor who tried to ghost me."
"Charming."
"Oh, and the porridge is infused with relaxing herbs. They help with obedience. I mean... digestion."
He took the bite.
Then gagged politely.
Then saw his own face reflected in the spoon, smiling nervously.
"Wow," he said, trying not to cry. "This is really... nutritious."
She beamed.
"After this," Lilia said, setting down the bowl, "we can visit the 'If We Had A Wedding Today' exhibit. I built a diorama."
"Of course you did."
"And there's a gallery called 'Rei: The Sleeping Years.' Over 200 sketches and photos. All yours."
"Wait, how did you get that many photos of me asleep?! I was in a medically protected coma!"
She blinked.
"Window privileges," she said innocently. "And I may have bribed two nurses, one priest, and the coma ward's night watchman."
[System Alert: Creepy Level — A New Challenger Approaches.]
[Side Effect: Permanent Goosebumps Activated.]
"And here," she said suddenly, pulling a curtain aside, "is the best part."
It was a quilt. Made of all his old pajamas. His initials embroidered in blood-red thread across the top.
"Lilia."
"Yes?"
"Is that my baby tooth sewn into the corner?"
"Just one. For DNA resonance."
He took a long, deep breath.
Then reached into his pocket and pulled out the last item he could think of to save himself.
[Item Used: Emergency Summon — Goddess Eris' Forbidden Phone Number.]
It rang.
A bubble of pink chaos exploded in the hallway.
Eris materialized mid-stretch, wearing sunglasses and a bathrobe with "Best Chaos Aunt" on the back. She was drinking something violently fizzy.
"Hey, I told you not to call unless you were dying," she said, yawning. "Wait. Is this the Nostalgia Dungeon Arc?"
"I'm being quilted alive," Rei croaked. "Mentally."
Eris looked around. Her expression lit up with fascinated horror.
"Oh gods, is that his tooth?"
Lilia curtsied. "Goddess Eris. Would you like a tour?"
"Nope!" Eris said, immediately pulling Rei behind her. "Summon override!"
She snapped her fingers.
And teleported both of them out—leaving only a small card behind.
It read: "Thanks for the memories. I need therapy."
They reappeared in a floating bathtub above the sea.
Eris sighed, sipping from her chaos soda. "You know," she said, "I built my first shrine to someone once. But I stopped when I realized I'd stolen three different strands of their hair. It's about moderation."
"I'm starting to understand that moderation is a myth."
[System Notification: You Have Survived Lilia's Honeymoon Simulation.]
[Reward: 1x Porridge-Stained Dignity.]
[System Comment: Honestly, I'm just impressed you're still alive.]
[New Mission Unlocked: Next Honeymoon Simulation — Maid Rosette's 'Till Death Picnic.']
[Objective: Don't Die. Optional: Don't Get Stabbed. Bonus Objective: Smile Sincerely.]
Rei sobbed into his bathrobe.
"I just wanted peace..."
Eris handed him a glass of chaos wine.
"Darling," she said, "you're dating five yanderes. Peace is illegal now."
To be continued…