Rei's life had become a continuous death march through the five stages of romantic delusion. He wasn't sure what stage he was on anymore, but he was certain it smelled like pinecones, deer musk, and something unsettlingly metallic.
"Where… are we?" Rei asked, squinting into the dense woods as birds chirped with suspicious innocence.
Rosette stood beside him, her maid uniform replaced by a rustic tunic and leather boots, though her ever-present knives still gleamed at her waist. Her eyes glinted in the dappled sunlight like a woodland predator disguised as a picnic date.
"Our pure forest getaway," she whispered with the kind of smile that made squirrels evacuate nearby trees. "No distractions. No rivals. Just us… and the spirits."
Rei's spine locked up. "The what now?"
[System Notification: New Mission Unlocked — "Pure Retreat With Rosette"]
[Objective: Remain alive, emotionally intact, and unpossessed by woodland spirits for 24 hours.]
[Reward: One (1) bottle of Premium Anti-Yandere Repellent… expired.]
He opened his mouth to scream, but Rosette handed him a wooden lunchbox filled with heart-shaped rice balls before he could.
"They're vegan. I hunted the vegetables myself," she said earnestly.
Rei blinked. "You hunted… vegetables?"
"Yes. In the wild garden. They tried to run. I made them stop."
"…Okay then."
They hiked into the forest, Rosette humming a haunting lullaby that seemed to warp the forest ambiance into something from a fairytale gone very wrong. She stopped occasionally to pet moss. Not moss-covered rocks—actual patches of moss. By name.
He made a mental note to never ask what kind of rituals she did when he wasn't looking.
Camp Rosette
The campsite was perfect in that overly perfect way serial killers use bleach. A log circle surrounded a fire pit that was already burning—despite no one having lit it.
Rei blinked. "Did you—?"
"The forest knows when it's time," she said softly, stroking the fire.
The tent she set up was made of stitched animal hides. He hoped they were synthetic. They were not.
And then came dinner.
"I made stew," Rosette beamed, ladling it into carved wooden bowls shaped like hearts. "It's my mother's recipe. She whispered it to me in a dream after I buried her old bones in the flowerbed."
"Do you mean metaphorically?" Rei asked.
Rosette tilted her head. "Should I?"
[System Warning: Sanity Level Critical. Initiate Emergency Coping Routine.]
[Playing: "Lo-fi Escapes for Mentally Screaming Dukes (24-hour loop)."]
Midnight
After a meal that tasted suspiciously like something a bear would file a complaint about, Rosette invited him to a "pure ritual of bonding" under the stars.
Rei expected s'mores or maybe an awkward cuddle attempt.
He got a love altar.
Made of bones.
And hair.
And… "Is that my baby tooth?!"
Rosette nodded, eyes gleaming with pride. "I collected it during your coma. From under your pillow. I kept it in a locket until today~"
"You what—?!"
"It's romantic devotion magic," she explained, hands clasped reverently. "This altar binds our souls across lifetimes. Even if you die or betray me or date someone with a better figure, our spirits will still find each other in the next cycle of rebirth."
[System Alert: Soul-Binding Ritual Detected.]
[Effect: +999 Affection (Rosette). -10 Years Life Expectancy (You).]
[Note: You can now feel her watching you even with your eyes closed.]
Rei backed up slowly. "Rosette. You're very… devoted. But maybe we could express that love in less necromantic ways?"
"Like burning our names into bark?" she offered brightly, already pulling out a hot knife.
"Nope! You know what? Let's just—how about a nature walk!"
"Nature Walk," AKA "Tracking the Target Like a Predator"
The forest was eerily quiet as they walked. No birds. No wind. Just Rosette's measured steps behind him.
She was silent, even with leaves underfoot. Rei began speed-walking. So did she. He started jogging. So did she. He broke into a sprint—and tripped on a root.
When he looked up, Rosette was crouching beside him, stroking his hair lovingly.
"You're so clumsy," she cooed. "Let me carry you."
"No—!"
He was already on her back.
"You're surprisingly muscular," he muttered.
"I carry corpses—uh, crates of wine, all the time."
Totally the same thing.
[System Achievement Unlocked: "Forest Princess' Backpack"]
[Status Effect: Pride -0. Dignity -404. Blood Pressure +2.]
Late-Night
Back at the camp, Rosette insisted on playing a game called Whittle Your Heart's Desire.
Which turned out to be her carving wooden figures of Rei in various outfits: Rei in a tuxedo, Rei in armor, Rei in a diaper (???), and one labeled "Rei when he gives me his heart willingly."
That one was anatomically correct. Too correct.
He faked sleep.
Then he heard whispering.
"Dear forest spirits… bless this union with eternal flames… or spontaneous combustion for the rivals…"
He opened one eye.
Rosette stood at the altar, swaying rhythmically as the fire blazed higher and cast shadows that danced like warning signs.
"Maybe if I fake heatstroke," Rei muttered.
[System Suggestion: Initiating "Feign Medical Collapse" Protocol.]
[Roll Result: 19/20 — Believable. Convincing flop. Oscar-worthy groaning.]
He collapsed dramatically, tongue out, body limp.
"Oh no!" Rosette gasped.
She immediately performed a medical exam. With a dagger.
"Let me open your lungs and fan them directly," she said with gentle menace.
"I'M FINE!" Rei shouted, sitting up with supernatural clarity.
Rosette clapped. "Yay! My healing aura worked!"
[System Comment: Close one. You almost got your lungs air-conditioned.]
Morning…
At dawn, birds finally chirped. They sounded traumatized.
Rosette served herbal tea made from mystery roots and smiled. "Last night was special, wasn't it?"
"Memorable," Rei said, twitching slightly. "So memorable I may never sleep again."
Then she brought out a bundle.
"What's this?"
"Our wedding robes."
Rei turned to run.
Tripped.
Landed on the altar.
Knocked over the bones.
"Oops."
Rosette froze.
He froze.
She smiled slowly. "That was symbolic, Rei."
"Of my affection?" he tried.
"Of your offerings," she said sweetly. "Now we'll just need a few fresh samples of blood and hair again. Oh, and if you still have your wisdom teeth—"
[System Notification: Critical Escape Required.]
[Quest: RUN, YOU ABSURD FOOL.]
[Bonus Reward if Completed in Under 60 Seconds: One (1) actual Rest Day Coupon.]
Rei limped back to the estate the next day with twigs in his hair and tears in his eyes. His pants smelled like bone dust and bad decisions. The other girls stared at him in confused jealousy.
"Did she brand you?" Seraphina asked, squinting.
"No," Rei whispered. "But she wanted to."
Lucivella sniffed. "You reek of consecrated obsession."
Drakana grinned. "That's hot."
Lilia handed him a note. "Rosette dropped this off for you."
He opened it.
A lock of his own hair fell out.
The note read: "I'll always be with you. Even when I'm not. Especially when you think I'm not. ♡"
[System Status: Mental Health -37%. Paranoia +50%. Love Level: Dangerous.]
[System Mission Complete: "Pure Retreat With Rosette"]
[Rei's Notes: Not Pure. Not a Retreat. Not Okay.]
[Reward: Expired Anti-Yandere Repellent]
[Bonus: One (1) twig from the Love Altar. Still warm.]
[Upcoming Mission: Survive Honeymoon #5 — Demon Queen Edition.]
Rei curled into the fetal position.
"Oh good," he muttered. "Only one more to go. Then I can die in peace."
"Who said anything about dying?" came Lucivella's voice from the hallway. "We're going to live forever, darling."
[System Alert: Warning. Final Honeymoon Approaching.]
[Estimated Survival Odds: Existentially Comedic.]
To be continued…