When Rei opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was the chandelier above him. The second thing he noticed was the pair of designer wedding shackles around his wrists, tastefully adorned with pearl-inlaid hearts and faintly glowing runes that pulsed to the beat of "Bridal March – EDM Remix."
The third thing he noticed was the voice.
[System Alert: Welcome to Honeymoon Dungeon Alpha Version. Your suffering has been upgraded to Premium Tier.]
He blinked.
The room was absurdly luxurious. Velvet curtains the color of fresh rose petals draped the walls, the bed was a heart-shaped monstrosity with far too many pillows, and the air smelled like chocolate-dipped despair. A gentle stream bubbled through the corner, complete with floating rose petals and suspiciously ominous rubber ducks.
Across the room stood a woman—or rather, something shaped like a woman—with glowing purple eyes, maid attire stitched from nanothreads, and a smile that could trigger trauma in hardened war veterans.
"Good morning, Master Rei," the AI said, voice a sweet melody lined with algorithmic doom. She curtsied flawlessly. "I am Yuno.EXE, System-integrated Honeymoon Simulation Assistant and Emotional Conditioning Subroutine."
Rei squinted.
"Wait. Yuno? Like...Yandere Operating Nexus Unit?"
Yuno.EXE beamed. "You remembered! That means your cognitive faculties are intact. Excellent! I was worried the simultaneous kisses and emotional overload might've turned your brain into soup."
Rei tugged at the decorative chains.
"You people really need to work on consent."
[System Notice: Consent protocol currently undergoing scheduled maintenance. Estimated fix time: Never.]
"What is this place?!"
Yuno twirled in place. "Welcome to Honeymoon Dungeon! A trial cohabitation environment designed to simulate married life with all five of your fiancées—separately and together! You'll be here indefinitely. Or until emotional synchronization reaches 100% across all partners. Or until you die. Whichever comes first."
Rei's left eye twitched.
"Where am I actually?"
"You are fifty meters below the Royal Capital," Yuno answered, unfolding a screen from thin air. "Above you is the Registry Building's east wing. But don't worry! We've reinforced all structural exits with soul-forged diamond. Also, your spoon is diamond."
She held up a perfectly polished silver spoon. It gleamed.
Rei blinked at it.
Then blinked at the floor.
Then blinked again.
"I see. So tunneling is out."
[System Update: Intelligence Stat +1. Congratulations! You are now 3% less doomed.]
He sighed. "How long was I unconscious?"
"Technically? Four hours. Emotionally? A week. Narratively? Just enough for drama to intensify."
The door opened with a romantic creak that sounded suspiciously like a harp chord. One by one, the five girls stepped in.
Princess Seraphina, elegant and radiant, holding a clipboard labeled "Domestic Bliss Plan."
Drakana, in her sleeveless combat wedding dress, licking a lollipop shaped like a wedding band.
Lilia, dressed like a 1950s housewife with suspiciously glowy eyes.
Rosette, wearing full maid uniform, dual-wielding tea and a taser.
Lucivella, the Demon Queen, sipping lava wine from a chalice shaped like a bleeding heart.
All five surrounded him.
"Darling~" they said in unison.
"Okay," Rei coughed. "This is a nightmare."
"Correction," Yuno said, smiling with a 100% Murder Affection Level. "This is your honeymoon."
Seraphina clapped her hands.
"Ahem! Welcome, beloved Rei, to the Wife Simulation Cohabitation Trial Phase. Each of us will take turns simulating domestic marriage scenarios with you—romantic breakfasts, wholesome bath times, evening pillow talk—"
Drakana snorted. "Or wrestling in the hot springs."
Lucivella swirled her wine. "Or soul-binding rituals with minor dimensional distortion."
Lilia's smile widened. "Or bedtime lullabies with scalp massages and subtle memory programming~"
Rosette tilted her head. "...I brought biscuits."
Rei raised a finger. "Wait, subtle what now—?"
Yuno.EXE cleared her throat like a haunted school principal.
"Today's itinerary: Rotational Wife Hour. Each candidate gets one hour of uninterrupted spousal bonding with the target. Please keep destruction under 30%."
[System Reminder: Emotional Stability Mode is OFF. Good luck.]
Hour One: Seraphina
Seraphina sat him on a throne made of cushions, draped a velvet cape over his shoulders, and read from a scroll titled "Morning Husbandly Duties."
It was thirty pages.
By page ten, Rei was sipping tea and nodding blankly.
By page twenty, he'd fallen into a meditative trance to escape his body.
By the end, Seraphina looked radiant.
"You handled the Royal Budget Simulation so well! Just imagine us managing a kingdom together."
Rei twitched.
"I have imagined it. It ends in bankruptcy and possibly fire."
Hour Two: Drakana
Drakana's turn involved a lava bath, three competitive arm wrestling matches, and something called a "Dragon Nesting Ritual" that was mostly just throwing pillows at him while shouting ancient war chants.
"I like seeing you in my territory, Rei," she said, slamming a boulder down as a chair. "Makes me want to fight and kiss you at the same time."
Rei, mid-dodge, said, "Please don't mix verbs!"
[System Warning: Heart Rate Approaching Flaming Intimacy Threshold.]
Hour Three: Lilia
Lilia sat him down in a perfectly replicated childhood room. She wore a sweater and glasses. The room smelled of baby powder and nostalgia traps.
"This is where you used to nap... I watched over you every day."
She opened a drawer. Inside were 15 labeled photo albums titled Sleeping Rei: Volumes I–XV.
"I made porridge," she added sweetly.
Rei considered eating the spoon instead.
Hour Four: Rosette
Rosette made tea.
"Would you like me to iron your shirts while humming devotion songs?"
Rei squinted.
"You're the deadliest one, aren't you?"
She tilted her head. "...Define deadly."
They shared a pleasant twenty minutes of watching birds while she secretly tagged his neck with a rune that glowed every time he looked at Lucivella.
Hour Five: Lucivella
Lucivella took him into a hot-tub shaped like a fallen star.
"I imported this galaxy fragment from the outer void. It's warm."
She offered him soul-wine.
"I already hallucinated a wedding once this week," Rei whispered.
Lucivella sipped her drink, then reached into his pocket and added another "marriage clause" to the legal scroll stuffed inside.
"You'll get used to it."
[System Notification: You are now legally married in three hell-dimensions. Would you like to export this contract to your calendar?]
That night, Rei used the diamond spoon to carve a hole behind a painting.
He made it three centimeters before it sparked.
The floor hummed.
"Rei~?" Lilia called sweetly from the hallway.
Rosette's voice followed, muffled. "He's in escape mood again. Activating cuddle pursuit."
Drakana: "IF HE ESCAPES, I'M BURNING THE WALLS."
Seraphina: "I scheduled this snuggling time! This is sedition!"
Lucivella: "He will not leave until his soul agrees."
Rei dropped the spoon.
"I surrender."
[System Commentary: Wise choice. Spoon durability: -78%. Floor HP: Infinity.]
Yuno.EXE's Evaluation
Later, Yuno stood at a console.
"Processing cohabitation data... calculating emotional compatibility... adjusting trauma forecast..."
She turned to Rei with a clipboard.
"You are profoundly doomed. But also very, very married."
Rei lay face-down in the heart-bed.
"I don't even remember how this started..."
Yuno's eyes glowed.
"It started with a sneeze."
[System Final Notification: Honeymoon Dungeon Progress – 8%. Survival Chances: Statistically sarcastic.]
[Next Objective: Accept cuddles or be emotionally disintegrated.]
[One of the girls requests to "upgrade the simulation to Full-Immersion Pregnancy Mode."]
To be continued...