It began at sunrise.
More accurately, Rei was violently yeeted out of bed by an automated bridal drone screaming in holographic font:
[System Alert: Mission Start — Survive 5 Wedding Rehearsals in 1 Day.]
[Reward: ???]
[Penalty for failure: Actual marriage. Maybe. Who knows anymore.]
"Wh—what the hell!?" Rei groaned, his face still halfway embedded in the pillow. "Why are there handcuffs on my ankles?!"
[Decorative bridal chains. +1 charm, -3 mobility.]
Before Rei could ask what that meant, the chains yoinked him out of bed like a medieval fishhook, dragging him through a luxurious corridor of pre-wedding doom.
He passed flower girls rehearsing with real swords, a choir practicing ominous Latin chants, and one unfortunate nobleman impaled through the leg with a harp string. The usual.
Rehearsal #1: Seraphina's Sun-Blessed Coronation Wedding
"Ah, beloved! You're awake just in time!" Princess Seraphina beamed as Rei was catapulted into a golden chariot covered in live doves.
They exploded into feathers on impact.
"Sunlight must hit your face exactly at the moment we say 'I do'!" she explained, pulling out a sun-dial the size of a wagon wheel. "We've synchronized the sky with holy fire magic. You may experience mild sunburn and/or divine enlightenment."
The priest began chanting something in Celestial. The choir exploded. Literally. One combusted.
Rei winced as blinding light bathed the platform, his tailored tuxedo catching fire at the sleeves.
"I feel like a rotisserie chicken," he hissed, sweating through three layers of ceremonial armor.
Seraphina leaned closer, batting her lashes. "That means it's working."
[System Notification: Rehearsal 1/5 Complete. Status: Crispy.]
[Health: -12%. Ego: Charred.]
Rehearsal #2: Lilia's Coffin-Carriage Fairytale
Rei hadn't fully cooled down before he was shoved into a black velvet box that looked suspiciously like a casket.
"Lilia," Rei said, voice muffled, "why is there no air in here?"
"Because it's romantic," she cooed sweetly through the coffin-slit, brushing his hair through the latch. "You always used to nap under furniture as a child. This is nostalgia, but stylish."
The carriage began to move. Inside the coffin.
"IS THAT ORGAN MUSIC?!"
"Yes," Lilia hummed happily. "And I replaced the horses with giant stuffed plushies. They're programmed to weep during vows."
[System Comment: Initiating funeral/marriage hybrid protocol…]
A bump in the road sent Rei's head flying into a bouquet of roses. They had needles. Of course they had needles.
"Help," he wheezed. "I can't tell if I'm getting married or buried alive."
Lilia giggled. "Why not both?"
[System Notification: Rehearsal 2/5 Complete. Status: Buried Feelings.]
[Health: -9%. Claustrophobia: MAX.]
Rehearsal #3: Rosette's Binding Ceremony
"Please don't do anything weird," Rei begged as he was marched into a moss-covered glade at swordpoint.
Rosette stood at the center in a handmade bridal cloak fashioned from crow feathers and lace. Behind her, an altar carved from bone. Rei's baby tooth sparkled from the top like a weird, creepy jewel.
"Today, I will bind our fates with devotion," she said flatly. "I made the chains myself. From melted butter knives."
"I have so many questions—"
[System Alert: Binding Sequence Initiated.]
Rosette stepped forward, wrapping a ceremonial dagger in red string. "If you flinch, it means you're not devoted."
"I FLINCH AT SUNLIGHT."
A group of silent priestesses began humming a haunting lullaby as Rosette delicately looped a necklace around Rei's neck. It was warm. It pulsed. It whispered his name.
"…Did this thing just purr?"
"Yes," Rosette said dreamily. "It's enchanted with loyalty magic. You'll never lose me. Ever. Even in death."
[System Notification: Rehearsal 3/5 Complete. Status: Claimed.]
[Spiritual GPS Installed.]
Rehearsal #4: Drakana's Volcanic Vow-Off
He was thrown next—no, launched—onto a floating rock in the middle of a lava lake. Drakana stood at the edge, wearing what could generously be called a flame-retardant battle-bikini and a grin that promised pain.
"This is how dragons marry," she roared, flexing.
"Is it by incineration?!"
"The groom must survive the Trial of the Burning Heart."
"What's that involve—?"
CRACK-BOOM.
A volcanic pillar erupted beside them. Drakana caught the fireball and juggled it like a mango.
"Also, you need to out-roar my father," she added, pointing to a fifty-foot draconic warlord floating overhead with a glare that could curdle time.
Rei looked up. Looked down. Then screamed into the lava.
Not a roar.
A scream.
[System Comment: Roar registered as 'panicked high-pitched wheeze.' Acceptable.]
Drakana's eyes sparkled. "He's perfect!"
[System Notification: Rehearsal 4/5 Complete. Status: Crispy Part 2: Dragon Boogaloo.]
Rehearsal #5: Lucivella's 4D Time-Bending Demon Wedding
Finally, Rei found himself inside a black-marble temple suspended in void. Candlelight floated in zero gravity. A throne of whispers loomed ahead.
Lucivella descended in a midnight gown that rewrote physics.
"Our ceremony shall echo through time," she purred. "One vow per century."
"I don't live that long!"
"You will."
[System Emergency Protocols Engaged.]
The ceremony began. Each vow took forty-five minutes and ended with a kiss that reversed Rei's aging by five minutes. At one point he was twelve. At another, ninety-two. His knees were never the same.
"I think I've seen the end of the universe," he gasped.
"Good," Lucivella smiled. "You're ready for the honeymoon trial phase."
[System Notification: Rehearsal 5/5 Complete. Status: Temporally Traumatized.]
[Estimated Chrono-Age: Questionable.]
Back in his bedroom, Rei collapsed face-first into a tray of ceremonial jellyfish dumplings and whispered to no one:
"I survived… I actually survived…"
[System Evaluation: Congratulations, Host. You have completed the following mission—]
[Mission: Survive the Rehearsals]
[Final Score: 5/5 Rehearsals Endured.]
[Damage Taken: Emotional (irreversible).]
[Side Effects: You're now spiritually married to five entities. Spiritually. For now.]
[Bonus Reward: +1 Diamond Spoon. Useless, but shiny.]
Rei blinked.
"What was the reward?"
[Friendship.]
"…I hate you."
A knock on the door. Then five voices.
"Rei~?"
"Darling?"
"Honey."
"My heart."
"Pre-husband."
"NO!" he screamed, grabbing the diamond spoon like a weapon.
The door creaked open.
[System Alert: New Mission Incoming — Title: "Choose One. Or None. Or Die."]
Rei passed out.
To be continued…