It's been a week since my conversation with Clark. He has tried to contact me all week to get my reply, but I'm still not in the right head space to give a response. Today would be the first date between me and prince callus since the engagement and im hoping it would go as usual.
'I still hate the bumpy ride to the palace' even after 6 years. Looking out the window as we passed the market, people laughing happily, traders selling, even children who are dressed in rags are happily playing by the side of the street. I may have fancy clothes and lavish foods but I lack the one thing every one else has 'happiness'.
This isn't the way that leads to the usual meeting spot with the prince. Scanning all over.
"Apologies my lady, the prince is still in his bedroom and I was asked to bring you to him" the attendant looked shaken. Why would he look so pale? It's not a crime for people engaged to be in a room together.
'So strange' I murmur.
"Your highness, lady dumont has arrived" his voice broke while he spoke. He gestures for me to enter alone but his face made me worried.
The scene in front of me was straight out of a cheap romance novel. The prince sat on a sofa with a scantily clad lady attached to him. Now I see why his attendant looked pale. I closed the door behind me before Sarah could peek in.
"Lady clarisa dumont greets the small sun of the empire" he didn't acknowledge my greeting nor did the lady leave his side. They continued their act like a cheap play straight out of a trashy novel. I gave one more bow as I exited the room. The attendant looked like he was about to cry, so I smiled gently to him.
"The prince is still asleep, I'll go to the library and wait till he is ready" I could make a scene but I just didn't want to. If i did its not the prince who would be in trouble but his attendant. I scoff lightly, who am i to show compassion to someone else. I guess I'm just so over everything now. I'm done with my family and I'm so done with the prince. Its so painful, its so painful i feel numb. I'm so numb right now, its almost like this world is out to get me, the world just keeps rejecting me. Like every experience should be painful and gut wrenching. All I want to do now is lose myself learning magic, the one thing that has never failed me, I just want to die feeling the magic.
"My lady, what happened in there you looked pale when you walked out." sitting in the carriage on the way home. I stare blankly out the window as the world passes by in a flash.
"His highness was asleep"
"But he must have woken up while we were there. I know he doesn't like meeting you, but now you are engaged this is just wrong"
"Just because we signed a paper doesn't change who we are" out the window I could see the counts aide waiting by the door. I guess I'll be getting some more education today.
"My lord the lady has arrived" Alan announced as the door swung open, and an angry count storms out as my face sting from the impact of his hands to my face.
"You fool, how long will i have to be shamed because of you"
"I'm sorry father" another hand hits my other cheeks as my lips began to bleed.
"All of high society is talking about your failed engagement to the prince. Was it so hard to get an 8 year old child to be under your thumb?" I guess he heard about the prince seeing other women. He lifts his hand to hit again, closing my eyes I grit my teeth waiting for the impact.
"My lord " Alan's calm voice rang out as if to break the trance i was in and quell the count's anger.
"If you continue to be a disgrace to the family's name I'll kick you out. You better get the prince under control" he barks out and slams his study door.
"My lady" it doesn't hurt, it's been 6 years and I thought it would hurt more but it doesn't hurt. A grin spread across my face as I chuckle lightly. I must look like a lunatic to the people around me. Sarah tries to support my arm but I gently push her off.
"I'm fine Sarah, it doesn't hurt" walking away with a new conviction in my heart. I hate you, i hate you so much, so I'll never let you hurt me again.
Back in my bedroom I asked Sarah to send a message to Clark. Before they arrive I'll try out healing magic. Touching both cheeks as I imagine the pain fade and my face return to normal while imbuing it with magic. Looking in the mirror the redness and swelling were gone and the pain was no more. This, this is all I have 'magic', on my darkest nights the light from the flames burns bright ,on my hottest days the cold wind cools me down,in this my depth of hell all I have is 'magic'.
"How did you find out that i could use magic?" Clark flinches as if not expecting me to ever ask.
"I didn't"
"What?" He shifts uncomfortable on his seat.
"I asked you that day just to hear it from you" what is this crazy person talking about.
"Every person has mana, the quantity how ever determines if they can use magic or not. For you, i can not detect any mana."
"I dont have any mana? Then why did you say I could use magic?" It's makes no sense
"It's because I couldn't detect any mana. It arose suspicions in me."
"So you just came to me based on some stupid assumptions? So what if i had denied it that day?" Is this person for real?
"That day, I never came to talk about magic with you. Seeing you uncomfortable and trying to Guage my reaction i just blurted out the first thing on my mind" his eyes sparkled with resolve.
"I hate you" he didn't react. I guess it was expected.
"I hate you so much, so I dont want your help. You may call it pride i don't care. But i would rather live in hell than receive help from a dumont" he dropped his shoulders as he smiled bitterly.
"I understand, you are allowed to feel eaxctly that way. I never gave you a reason to think otherwise but if you ever change your mind, I'll always be standing right here waiting for you to take my hands. Im honestly so tired of running away, i know my past actions hurt you but going forward ill do everything to try to make amends. Im not asking for forgiveness. Im just asking you not to push me away."
What a long and exhausting day, flopping onto my bed. It's been a while since I prayed and wished earnestly to wake up from this nightmare. Now i pray not to wake up. I fear that if I do I'll realize that my magic was nothing but a figment of my imagination. I just want things to stay like this for a while, unchanging just like this. Everyone needs to remain the same that way I can continue to hate you all without restraint.
"Sarah, if i asked you to run away with me would you run with me?" There was a tense silence before her soft voice rang out
"Im sorry my lady, i was an orphan when the countess found me and saved me. I owe my life to her which is why I have devoted my all to you her daughter " her rejection didn't hurt, but her devotion due to the countess saving her from the streets stung so hard.
"My life began in this manor. This place is home to me" with a loud sigh i realize once again that I'm no female lead, this isnt some transmigration novel, reality sucks and all that I have right now no matter how much I hate to admit it is as a result of the dumont family name.