Wei Wuxian lay in his bed that night, laying in the soft, thin sleeping robe that Nie Huaisang had given him to change into, not thinking about kissing Lan Wangji.
He was not.
It was just that his mind was still reeling from the conversation he'd had with Jiang Yanli in the afternoon. He had managed to keep any thoughts on the matter at bay for most of the day. He never thought he would be grateful for Lan Wangji's absence, but he had no idea how he was going to face the man with his mind still running riot with the ideas that his Shijie had skillfully planted in him.
He had spent the day with A-Yuan, who had been inseparable from him since his arrival, alternating between wanting to play with him or tell him hilarious random details about the time he'd spent in Cloud Recesses. Wei Wuxian still felt guilty for having pulled the child from his friend, but A-Yuan seemed ok with the promise that he would be able to visit him sometime.
Everyone had told Wei Wuxian how much the child had missed him, and the way A-Yuan followed him around like a playful, chattering duckling made it clear how much the boy had become attached to him. Wen Yuan had been upset when Wen Qing had said he was not allowed to sleep in Wei Wuxian's bed, as the child was a restless sleeper and if he accidentally kicked Wei Wuxian's wound, it would set his healing back. A-Yuan had cried and cried, and they'd finally settled on putting them both in adjoining rooms, with Wei Wuxian staying with the child until he fell asleep and promising to be there when A-Yuan woke.
The child's palpable fear of being separated again from Wei Wuxian tore at the rogue cultivator's heart. Wen Qing said that it wasn't uncommon in situations of extreme trauma for a child to want to be with the person who had saved them. Wen Yuan felt safest when he was near Wei Wuxian, and that was a responsibility that Wei Wuxian would not take lightly.
He wondered what Wen Yuan saw in him that made the boy feel safe, when most people looked at Wei Wuxian and saw only danger.
Wei Wuxian would do his best to live up to the trust that the small boy had placed in him. His day had been spent thinking about how he could live up to that new and somewhat unexpected responsibility. He did not want to repeat his parents' mistake of being a rogue cultivator with no home, no safe place to leave a child when he went on a dangerous hunt. Wen Yuan had suffered enough, and Wei Wuxian would make sure he did not add to that. A permanent home base would mean either becoming wealthy enough that he could buy a property somewhere, or joining a sect.
Jiang Cheng would allow Wei Wuxian back into the sect. The young sect leader had made that clear. But then A-Yuan would be living in Lotus Pier with Madam Yu, and Wei Wuxian did not want to put him through that. He could not imagine a world where Madam Yu was kind to a child who was under his care.
The Wen sect was a sect in name only, and its future was uncertain. Wei Wuxian would not deny Wen Yuan access to his homeland, but - for now - it was not a place for a small child. The Jin sect was not even worth mentioning, given that the assassination attempt had emerged from there, and the Lan sect had banished him.
That left the Nie sect. Wei Wuxian admired Nie Mingjue, and was friends with Nie Huaisang. It wouldn't be the worst option, but it was a big decision to make. Nie Mingjue was not pushing for anything permanent, and seemed happy enough to have Wei Wuxian as a visiting rogue cultivator for now. So there was no urgency, but the future stretched out uncertainly before him and A-Yuan.
Wei Wuxian's mind had been occupied with these thoughts throughout most of the day, and he was grateful for the reprieve. But now, alone in his room with no distractions, the conversation he'd had earlier with his Shijie was surfacing again.
His precious Shijie , who had turned his world upside down by asking the simple question of whether he had ever thought about kissing Lan Wangji.
And while Wei Wuxian had never actually done so in the past, it now seemed to be the only thing his mind wanted to consider. Except it wasn't just kissing Lan Zhan that now filled Wei Wuxian's imagination. That would have been disruptive enough. But - instead - his brain was going through all of his past interactions with Lan Wangji and searching for clues as to how long Wei Wuxian had felt this way. It was as though a curtain had been pulled aside, and memories that had been familiar were now filled with new facets and details that Wei Ying had never let himself think too much about before.
Wei Wuxian blew out a harsh breath, the restless buzzing in his mind and body making it clear that sleep would be a long time in coming. He had taken a long bath, hoping that would leech away some of the tension, but it hadn't helped. He had been too distracted to bother with tying his hair up, so it was loose, spilling across the pillows. The way he kept shifting meant it would likely be tangled by morning, but that was a problem for future Wei Ying. Current Wei Ying was trying to get his mind to quiet down enough that he had at least some chance of sleep, but it wasn't cooperating.
Normally, Wei Wuxian thrived on having a mind that was quick and agile, able to take facts and observations from seemingly random events and fit them together into new ideas and insights that no one else could see.
At the current moment, however, Wei Wuxian wished he had several jars of alcohol to make his brain shut the fuck up. The random memories and images it was pulling up were causing a thousand tangled and impossibly large emotions to twist inside him.
Wei Wuxian had always felt a sort of… pull from Lan Wangji. He had always wanted his attention, to have the man's golden eyes notice him, to get him to react. To impress him with Wei Wuxian's skills.
Now, Wei Wuxian realized he wanted… Wei Wuxian threw one arm over his eyes and clenched the other over his flat stomach.
He wasn't sure what he wanted.
Not exactly.
It wasn't as though he could really see him or Lan Wangji courting each other the way they did in Nie Huaisang's novels, with flowers and fancy accessories and meaningless compliments. Those things really held no interest at all for Wei Wuxian, and probably less so for Lan Wangji.
Wei Wuxian's feelings for Lan Wangji were not soft or gentle the way that many of the classic tales of romance seemed to be, whether between a man and a woman, or even those between two men. So much of his and Lan Wangji's interactions were tied with battles and competition that the idea of gentle wooing didn't really make any sense, or even feel particularly relevant.
He didn't want Lan Wangji to treat him the way that Jin Zixuan now (finally) treated Jiang Yanli, with sweet deference, awkward compliments, and showy gifts. Wei Wuxian actually had no interest in that from anyone . And he had always assumed that meant he had no interest in other things as well.
But after his conversation with his sister that morning, Wei Wuxian had come to admit that he was definitely interested in kissing Lan Wangji, so that meant that there were things other than night hunting and competing for cultivation prowess that he wanted. But also, somehow, entwined with those things.
Wei Wuxian had always been impressed by Lan Wangji's strength. During their battle with the Slaughter Tortoise, Wei Wuxian had watched Lan Wangji strangle the beast for hours (while Wei Wuxian was hanging onto the strange sword he'd found inside the beast's belly, trying not to die), the man's arms corded with muscles as he strained against the gigantic creature and won. The sheer physicality of Lan Wangji had struck Wei Wuxian at the time, and he remembered feeling somewhat in awe of the man.
There was something compelling about the strength and steadfastness of the Second Jade, even at the young age they had been for that fight, had stuck a chord within Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji would not flinch away from a battle because it was impossibly hard or he was exhausted.
Wei Wuxian had never met someone else his age who could match him in that. At the time, Wei Wuxian had only daydreamed about how much fun it would be to night hunt with Lan Zhan again in the future, knowing he could rely on him.
Looking at the feelings that Wei Wuxian had - at the time - defined in the category loosely as admiration, he realized that it was not only that. There was a darker edge to how he felt when he thought about Lan Wangji's strength. How his arms and shoulders looked as his robes clung to him, damply, at the end of the battle.
What the muscles beneath that pale, smooth skin might feel like, to the touch.
How it might feel to have Lan Wangji matching him in ways outside of night hunting. Not a gentle sort of courtship, but something much more forceful. Wei Wuxian was arguably now the most powerful cultivator alive, his cultivation able to control a literal army.
But the thought… the knowledge that Lan Wangji had the strength to pin him down...
Wei Wuxian felt his body tighten in anticipation, his heart racing and his skin prickling.
Yeah. He could admit, at least in his own mind, that he wanted that. Possibly had wanted it for a very long time. It would explain why he loved provoking the Second Jade to anger when most people did almost anything to avoid it.
His face flushed in embarrassment as his treacherous mind produced a different memory, one that edged closer to things that Wei Wuxian had never really considered before but might be considering now. While it was true that Lan Wangji had never touched him outside of necessity, it was also true that Lan Wangji had touched him. Wei Wuxian knew what those large hands felt like on his body. Not in a romantic way, but… knowledge was knowledge.
The memory of what had happened after Wei Wuxian had nearly been killed by the Xiangliu definitely embarrassed him, and stung his pride a bit, but…
It was also a memory that sent a slow curl of heat seeping into his belly as he lay sprawled on the bed. Wei Wuxian splayed his fingers across his stomach, feeling the smooth, flat muscles of his own beneath his palm as he thought about how Lan Wangji's hand compared with his own.
Wei Wuxian had grabbed Lan Wangji's hand, noticing how much larger it was than his own, feeling the hardness of the calluses that Lan Wangji had built from years of wielding his sword. Lan Wangji's grip tightened, and Wei Wuxian found himself pulled up onto Bichen.
"I carried Wei Ying to Cloud Recesses," Lan Wangji had said, evoking an image in Wei Wuxian's mind of being held and carried by Lan Wangji for hours, while he was bloody and dirty and unconscious, held against Lan Wangji's pristine robes. Wei Wuxian hadn't really known what to think about that so he had decided not to think at all.
The Wei Wuxian of the past had been able to push the thoughts down, but the current Wei Wuxian was not as lucky. The thought of Lan Wangji, fresh from finishing the job of killing the Xiangliu that Wei Wuxian had started, picking him up and holding him close as he flew them back to Cloud Recesses had been embarrassing at the time, but now, it was…
Wei Wuxian had no memory of it, of course, but his imagination was more than up to the job. He tried hard to not think about how it would feel to be held by Lan Zhan, pressed close to his body, how the scent of sandalwood that always lingers on the man's clothes would be so much stronger. Lan Wangji's scent had always been solid and soothing, but thinking of it now, it was the opposite of soothing. The muscles in Wei Wuxian's stomach clenched, and his throat worked as he tried to fight down a spike of arousal that lanced through his body.
It was well known that Lan Wangji hated physical contact with others. It only took one icy glare from those golden eyes to make his point known, and everyone gave him a wide berth. Wei Wuxian had many memories of Lan Wangji jerking away from his outstretched hands or stepping back sharply when Wei Wuxian got too close when they were younger, so he knew he was not a true exception to the rule, but the few times that Lan Wangji had allowed contact were indelibly seared in Wei Ying's mind. Now, after Jiang Yanli's seemingly harmless question about whether Wei Wuxian had ever thought about kissing Lan Wangji, they were crashing back into his consciousness with an entirely new, unsettling awareness that made Wei Wuxian's skin feel hot and tight across his body.
Another image flashed, from when they had killed Wen Chao. Wei Wuxian had stumbled after touching Suibian for the first time after the Burial Mounds and Lan Wangji had caught him.
Wei Wuxian had felt a large hand close around his upper arm, supporting him, and another at his back. He took a moment to just steady his breathing before he could open his eyes.
Lan Wangji had slid an arm around his waist, and the heat from Lan Wangji's hands had felt soothing, though Wei Wuxian couldn't really understand why at the time. Lan Wangji hadn't been putting any spiritual energy into him.
Wei Wuxian shuddered slightly at the ghost of Lan Zhan's hold on his body, his breath coming faster. The hand that had been splayed across his stomach dropped to the bed and fisted into the sheets to ground him. How was he ever going to face Lan Wangji after this? What if Lan Wangji had to touch him again? It would be humiliating, because there was no way that Lan Wangji could touch him and Wei Wuxian would react the same as he had in the past. Wei Wuxian would tense or flinch or - god forbid - blush , and then Lan Wangji would know, and it would make everything unbearably awkward.
Even worse would be if Lan Wangji needed to heal him. Wei Wuxian felt his level of mortification reach a new height when he thought about how he had gone on and on about how good Lan Wangji's qi felt inside him. No wonder everyone had looked uncomfortable. Well, at least Wei Wuxian could blame at least some of his rambling on the medication. There was no hiding the fact that he trusted and admired Lan Wangji, but he hoped he could at least keep it hidden that it was… more than that. There were platonic soul mates. He could just try to be that for Lan Wangji. As long as he kept his thoughts to himself, it should be fine.
He would just have to stay out of Lan Wangji's way for a little while, long enough for his stupid bodily reactions to Lan Wangji to settle back down. Lan Wangji was a trained cultivator, and there was no way he wouldn't notice Wei Wuxian's entire body tensing and heart racing every time the man was near.
Wei Wuxian would just have to learn how to make himself act like he always had. Of course, that was when his brain decided to shove the memory of Lan Wangji combing Wei Wuxian's hair, the exact feeling of Lan Wangji's fingers in his hair at the inn where they had stopped for the night on their way to the Burial Mounds.
How elegant Lan Wangji had looked, freshly bathed, hair smooth but still damp, wearing just his sleeping robes as he helped Wei Wuxian prepare for bed.
Wei Wuxian had been so sure that Lan Wangji would be repulsed by what Wei Wuxian had become after being thrown in the Burial Mounds. Constantly waiting for the man to cast him off and join his sect in denouncing him as a heretic. But it hadn't happened.
Instead, Lan Wangji had walked by his side as Wei Wuxian had returned to the Burial Mounds to raise an army unlike anything the world had ever seen.
The realization hit him full in the chest. He gave a hollow laugh, wondering how he hadn't realized it sooner. In retrospect, his fixation on Lan Wangji was obviously not just simple admiration for a fellow cultivator. He remembered how captivated he had been when he'd woken up to see Lan Wangji meditating while he kept watch over Wei Wuxian as he slept in the cave of the Yao.
The fire had gone out, but a soft light filtered in from the entrance of the cave, setting Lan Wangji in silhouette. He had been sitting with perfect posture, his body still and unmoving. It was no wonder they called him one of the perfect Jades. Wei Wuxian wished he could carve the man's likeness into a flawless piece of jade, so that everyone would be able to see his perfection. He had committed the scene to memory, his artist's eye recording the elegant bones beneath the smooth skin of Lan Wangji's hands, and the way the layers of white silk caught the faint light and flowed over broad, contoured shoulders.
Wei Ying didn't even feel bad about how shabby and unrefined he knew he, himself, looked in comparison. It wasn't about that. He remembered thinking that it was just natural to appreciate Lan Wangji's ethereal beauty. Like the way people stood in awe of a cascading waterfall, or a majestic sunrise.
Jiang Yanli had broken that illusion, and now Wei Wuxian was faced with the truth that he might be a little bit in love with the Second Jade of Lan, and he had no idea what to do about it.
He couldn't really even blame himself, though. Aside from Lan Wangji's amazing talent in cultivation as well as his legendary good looks, there was the fact that Lan Zhan had stood for Wei Ying when almost no one else had. Was it any wonder that Wei Wuxian was feeling… feelings for him?
Wei Wuxian groaned softly and pressed his hands to his face as the memories of Lan Wangji standing up to Jiang Cheng and even Madam Yu crashed through him.
"Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?!" Jiang Cheng had shouted as they stood near the site of the Xiangliu battle. Before Wei Wuxian could respond, Jiang Cheng's hand had slammed into Wei Wuxian's shoulder. Normally, the blow wouldn't have done anything, but with Wei Wuxian's core so close to drained, he had stumbled back and would have fallen had not Lan Wangji grabbed his arm.
"Jiang Wanyin," Lan Wangji's voice had cracked like a whip, as he moved between Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian.Lan Zhan had moved between them again, his hand moving to rest on Bichen's sheath sending a clear message to Jiang Cheng.
"You will not strike Wei Ying," Lan Wangji had stated flatly.
Wei Wuxian had known that Jiang Cheng would never really hurt him, but the vehemence of Lan Wangji's defense of him had left Wei Wuxian reeling. Wei Wuxian had grown up knowing deep in his bones that Jiang Cheng mattered more than Wei Wuxian. He didn't feel bad about it, it was just a simple fact. Jiang Cheng was the heir to the Jiang Sect, and Wei Wuxian would have died on the streets long ago if it hadn't been for the Jiang. His life was just not as important as Jiang Cheng's, and that was fine. It made sense. But Lan Wangji didn't treat him that way. Wei Wuxian hadn't known how to handle it then, and he still didn't know how to handle it now.
And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, Lan Wangji had defended him against Madam Yu when he'd gone to warn the Jiang sect about the Wen attack.
Wei Wuxian had knelt at her feet, his back bared for punishment. By the way Madam Yu's feet had shifted slightly in front of him, he could tell she'd raised her arm for the first strike. He had heard Zidian crackle and had closed his eyes and braced for the hit, but would do nothing to evade it. He'd come to Lotus Pier with the full knowledge of what the penalty for violating the terms of the banishment was, and had been prepared to pay that price. He had heard Zidian sing, then the sound of it striking something.
Except... it hadn't struck him .
He opened his eyes in confusion only to find Bichen held in front of him, Zidian wrapped around it's blade. Madam Yu had been nearly incandescent with anger as she stared at the flowing white robes and pristine yet unyielding form of Lan Wangji.
Lan Wangji had put his own reputation on the line to save Wei Wuxian. He had stared down Madam Yu, then turned and walked away with Wei Wuxian.
"I am here, Wei Ying," Lan Zhan had said quietly as he walked beside him, golden eyes and pale skin glowing in the moonlight that shone down upon them.
It really was no wonder that Wei Wuxian had fallen in love with Lan Wangji. Who wouldn't, given everything the man had done for him, everything that Lan Wangji was? Wei Wuxian was only one man, and he had never stood a chance. It was honestly a little ridiculous that it had taken him so long to figure it out.
The problem was that anything between them was utterly impossible. He would join the countless ranks of people who pined after Lan Wangji. He would do his best to not make it awkward, to not let Lan Wangji know what his real feelings were. Lan Wangji did not have many friends. Possibly not any friends outside of his own brother and Wei Wuxian. So Wei Ying would not fuck that up by trying to take even more from the Second Jade. He would find a way to keep his feelings hidden.
Though, it might end up being a non-issue. With the current political situation, even friendship would be hard to manage. The Lan elders hated Wei Wuxian, and would do anything in their power to prevent a heretic cultivator from sullying their precious Second Jade's reputation.
He knew that Lan Wangji was working at trying to change their mind about him, but it was unlikely. Lan Qiren had disliked him when Wei Wuxian was only asking impertinent questions. He had relented slightly after the battle of the Slaughter Tortoise, but there would be no going back from actually raising an army of undead.
Lan Wangji had spent his entire life being a model of filial piety. Wei Wuxian had long known that he did not want to be the thing responsible for making him choose between his friend and his sect.
But the larger problem was that it would be impossible for Wei Wuxian to go back to his previous ignorance about his own feelings for Lan Zhan. Just the thought of sharing a bed on a night hunt left him breathless, and his body tensing in a way that was definitely not platonic.
He let out a jittery huff of a laugh as he remembered the feel of Lan Wangji sharing body heat with him after he'd been struck by the arrow and lost too much blood to keep himself warm.
After Wei Wuxian had been shot, his body unable to stay warm due to blood loss, Wen Qing had asked Lan Wangji to warm him by sharing body heat.
Wei Wuxian had been cold, his entire body aching and drained, leaving him feeling physically vulnerable in a way he was not used to. The solid, warm presence of Lan Wangji's body next to his was something he had not been strong enough to turn down. Another shiver had rippled through him, and Lan Wangji had shifted closer, their bodies finally touching.
"Lan Zhan. How are you so warm?" Wei Wuxian had asked, wishing at the time that he could pull Lan Wangji on top of him like a blanket.
Wei Wuxian bit his lip at the memory, his overactive mind now more than happy to provide images of just exactly how it might feel to have Lan Wangji's body on top of his own. He could easily imagine the feel of that heat and strength bearing down on him, Lan Zhan's large hands easily wrapping around Wei Wuxian's wrists and pinning him down, and -
"Fuck!" Wei Wuxian bit out, twisting in the rumpled sheets and realizing that he was more than half hard. His body was sheened with sweat and he felt a quivering energy racing through his veins that drove a shivering sort of tense excitement through every cell in his body.
There was absolutely no doubt that what Wei Wuxian was currently feeling was not admiration or friendship. It was lust.
Guilt crashed over him like a bucket of ice water.
Lan Wangji had never indicated any sort of interest like that in Wei Wuxian, nor in anyone else. Lan Wangji had stood up for Wei Wuxian because his moral code told him to defend the weak, stand against injustice, and not fear the strong. The fact that Wei Wuxian was so starved for someone to actually give a fuck about him that he'd gone and fallen in love with the man for it was not Lan Wangji's fault.
Lan Wangji had always seemed completely impervious to anyone's attempts to woo him or attract his attention. It had been part of what had captured Wei Wuxian's interest, early on. He was a challenge to someone like Wei Wuxian who liked to make friends everywhere he went. Of course, Lan Zhan had quickly become much more than a simple challenge for Wei Ying, but the fact remained that Lan Wangji just didn't seem to be interested in flirting or courting, much less actual… physical… things.
Wei Wuxian just needed to reign his wayward thoughts in. Lan Wangji was not someone who would appreciate people having lustful feelings about him. He had made that more than clear on numerous occasions. Wei Wuxian remembered the man's response when he had told him that he should tell his stories more.
"Ah, Lan Zhan! You need to tell your exploits better. The handsome Second Jade of Lan, battling a ferocious Tiger Yaogui in the moonlight over a secret river gorge. All the pretty maidens would swoon!"
Lan Wangji had shot him a cold, angry glare that had made Wei Wuxian laugh at how familiar the sight was.
"Lan Zhan is so proper. Even the hint of romance outside of a formal betrothal has you so angry! There's nothing wrong with flirting with a pretty girl, you know. Especially someone who is expected to carry on the family name, like you and your brother are supposed to. Weren't you supposed to be looking for a cultivation partner before the war started?"
"Promiscuity is forbidden. Excessive self-praise is forbidden." Lan Wangji had bit out. His tone had been almost back to the way it was when they'd first met, back when Lan Wangji hadn't been able to tolerate Wei Wuxian's presence, much less been his friend.
Wei Wuxian had chuckled again, a wave of fondness washing over him. Lan Wangji was so pure, even the hint of impropriety had him glaring.
"Ok, ok. I won't tease. Lan Zhan is too good," Wei Wuxian had said in his most conciliatory tone.
Wei Wuxian tried to drill that message into his thick skull. Lan Wangji was too good for these sort of lustful thoughts. Too good to have someone misinterpreting his friendship as something more.
Lan Wangji was too good for Wei Wuxian.
Wei Wuxian would just have to control his thoughts. He just wasn't sure how easy it was going to be to shove his feelings back down into the box that Jiang Yanli had opened.
After many hours Wei Wuxian drifted into a restless sleep. He woke in the morning, fully hard, and with shadowy images of Lan Wangji's body holding him down, moving against him. It was not the first time that Wei Wuxian had woken up hard, and normally, he would have had no trouble taking care of it perfunctorily, as he did other bodily functions. But that morning, he gritted his teeth and refused to touch himself while images of Lan Wangji still played in his mind. He would not disrespect his friend that way.
He dressed and readied himself for the morning, taking A-Yuan down to breakfast. He needed to find something physical to do to take his mind off everything and release some of the jittery energy that was still running riot through his system, so he could be in control by the time Lan Wangji returned.