[System Update: Generating Post-Honeymoon Emotional Damage Report…]
[Estimated Mental Stability: 12%. Estimated Physical Integrity: 31%. Estimated Dignity: "404 Not Found."]
Rei laid flat on the cool, cold, blessedly normal marble of his bedroom floor, like a man who had survived five plane crashes, three volcanoes, and one particularly clingy demonic time-loop. Because, unfortunately, he had.
He blinked at the ceiling like it might start speaking to him.
"System," he croaked. "Are you there?"
[Hello again, Host.]
[Welcome to your Post-Honeymoon Evaluation: Official Emotional Recovery Commentary.]
[Subtitle: "You're Screwed, Bro."]
"…Can I opt out?"
[You signed a non-negotiable soul contract. Also, no.]
A golden window popped open above him, like a sarcastic pop-up ad from hell.
HONEYMOON #1: DRAKANA'S VOLCANIC DEATH VACATION
Location: Mt. Heartburn, private volcanic island
Duration: 16 hours (subjective), 3rd-degree burns (objective)
Activities: Lava wrestling, wing gliding, and BBQ via magma pit
System Rating: [6/10]
Commentary:
"Romantic if you're a heat-immune fire salamander. You survived by fake-fainting and drinking twelve emergency hydration potions. Good job not dying. Bronze medal in the category of 'Creative Survival Tactics.'"
[Warning: Your hair is still slightly singed. Recommend aloe and holy water rinse.]
Rei groaned and rolled onto his side. "I think my eyebrows are different heights now."
HONEYMOON #2: SERAPHINA'S SPA OF SUSPICIOUS LOVE
Location: Seraphina's Royal Luxury Love Spa
Duration: 24 hours (plus surveillance extensions)
Activities: Poetry recitals, romantic mud wrestling (not consensual), koi pond self-drowning
System Rating: [7/10]
Commentary:
"Seraphina mistook 'relaxation' for 'constant high-pressure beauty monitoring.' Jumping into the koi pond was creative, but you should have aimed for a deeper one. Bonus points for dodging the 'Surprise Couples Massage: Naked Edition.'"
Rei screamed into a pillow.
"I JUST WANTED A NORMAL BATH."
[Reminder: The spa attendants published three haikus about your shoulders. One was disturbingly good.]
HONEYMOON #3: LILIA'S WEIRDLY PERFECT CHILDHOOD HOUSE
Location: Replica of your childhood home (reconstructed from obsessive memory)
Duration: 36 hours
Activities: Scrapbooking, emotionally manipulative porridge, one too many glances at the "Future Nursery"
System Rating: [8.5/10]
Commentary:
"Impressive craftsmanship. Disturbing nostalgia. The smell of your old baby shampoo is now permanently encoded in your sinuses. Faking food poisoning: C+. Lilia's 'Porridge of Emotional Guilt' bypassed your defense rolls."
[Additional Note: You said "aww" out loud twice. Recorded.]
Rei whimpered.
"I'm going to get murdered with a spoon one day."
[Statistically likely. Recommend spoon-proof armor.]
HONEYMOON #4: ROSETTE'S 'PURE' FOREST RETREAT
Location: Haunted-looking forest near the Bloodmoon Hills
Duration: 28 hours
Activities: Silent hiking, glamping with homemade bone lanterns, discovering the "Love Altar" made from your own DNA
System Rating: [9/10]
Commentary:
"Peaceful atmosphere. Romantic lighting. Then you found the altar of hair, teeth, and your old baby tooth. Rosette called it 'Devotion Magic.' You called it 'Disturbingly Rustic.' You are both correct."
[Bonus Achievement Unlocked: "Romantic Horror Protagonist"]
Rei sat up, pale and trembling.
"She collected my tears… in tiny jars."
[Yes. And she labeled each one by emotional category.]
HONEYMOON #5: LUCIVELLA'S INFINITE LOVE LOOP
Location: Demon Queen's Pocket Dimension of Eternal Courtship
Duration: 3 real-time hours, 3 subjective months
Activities: Soul-chess, wine that causes hallucinations, endless declarations of marriage under starlight
System Rating: [9.5/10]
Commentary:
"A well-executed psychological trap. You fell in love with a bottle of wine and confessed to a chair. You now own a signed 2,000-year marriage contract… in demon law. It's in your back pocket. It's slightly warm."
[Note: You now respond to "Hubby" in three languages.]
Rei reached into his pants pocket. Sure enough, a scroll shimmered with blood-red ink and pulsed slightly.
"Did she… brand me?"
[Yes. Check lower back. Also, congratulations on being the first human with a 'Hellspouse Certification.' Comes with dental.]
[OVERALL HONEYMOON EVALUATION SUMMARY:]
Romance: [17/10]
Danger: [Unquantifiable]
System Mood: [Loving this. You, not so much.]
[Final System Commentary:]
"You are officially so loved… it hurts. Literally. Mentally. Spiritually. Possibly mortally."
[Reward Unlocked: 1x Rest Day Coupon (non-transferable, emotionally cursed)]
[Warning: All five fiancées know about the coupon and plan to spend it with you. Simultaneously.]
Rei screamed into the void. Again.
He staggered to his feet like a post-trauma jellyfish. The door to his room opened.
All five of them were standing there. Perfect timing.
Drakana leaned against the doorframe, fanning her face with her dragon wing. "You've recovered. Good. Let's go volcano-surfing again. I installed new lava jets."
"I brought your favorite robe," Seraphina said sweetly, "and also destroyed the koi pond in case you tried to escape again. Silly you."
"I made fresh porridge," Lilia said. "This time with cinnamon~."
Rosette didn't speak. She just held up a fresh jar labeled: [Today's Emotional Breakdown – Post-Evaluation Flavor].
And Lucivella?
Lucivella held up the marriage contract with a smirk. "We just need to notarize it in three more realms. Let's begin with the Plane of Eternal Bliss~"
Rei took a deep breath.
"I'm using my Rest Day Coupon."
[Confirmed: Activating Rest Day Coupon.]
[Deploying emergency hammock. Location: Closest non-lethal tree branch.]
A rope hammock exploded from the wall. Rei dove into it like a war veteran into a foxhole.
But before he could relax, five shadows loomed over him.
"We'll share the hammock," they said in perfect harmony.
Rei looked at the sky.
"Eris… if you're watching… please drop a meteor."
In the heavens, Eris sipped her wine, grinning.
"Aw, he's learning. Let's give him a harder mission next~"
[System Notification: New Mission Added — "Survive Joint Honeymoon Encore: Ultra Edition"]
[Failure Condition: Crying before breakfast.]
Rei fainted.
[Achievement Unlocked: "Emotional Toast."]
To be continued…