If there was one thing worse than being engaged to five obsessive, magically-empowered women, it was being engaged to five obsessive, magically-empowered competitive women.
And if there was anything worse than that, it was this:
An entire stadium packed with screaming nobles, confetti explosions, enchanted megaphones, and a thirty-foot flaming banner that read:
"REI'S ULTIMATE WIFE OLYMPICS™ — WIN HIS HEART (LEGALLY)!"
"I'm sorry," Rei whispered hoarsely, gripping the edge of his seat as fireworks exploded behind him. "How is this legal?"
[System Notification: Legal classification — Pending Appeal in 34 provinces.]
[You are advised not to resist. Resistance will be... romantically misunderstood.]
"Good people of the kingdom!" bellowed the announcer — a very excited goblin in a referee suit riding a flying wolf. "Welcome to the most thrilling romantic bloodsport this side of the Demon Realms!"
"IT'S NOT A BLOODSPORT!" Rei shouted.
The goblin cupped a hand to his ear. "What was that, Your Grace?"
"I said I want to go home!"
"Exactly! Let's introduce our five charming contestants!"
Drakana descended from the sky, riding a wyvern made of flaming bones. She landed with a seismic roar, flexed her claws, and growled, "I will win you, Rei. Even if I have to carry your limp body across the finish line."
Seraphina emerged next, floating down on silken ribbons conjured from light. A full orchestra played behind her. "I have already won. This is just the coronation."
Lilia skipped onto the field wearing a frilly pink tracksuit and holding an album labeled "Our Future Scrapbook". "I'm here to prove love is eternal! Just like my Rei! Who I will love! Forever! And ever! AND EVER!"
Rei's scream was drowned out by applause.
Rosette didn't walk. She emerged from the shadows like a slowly manifesting curse, holding a picnic basket in one hand and a set of surgical gloves in the other. "I baked cookies. And I brought chloroform. Just in case."
"WHY IS THAT ALLOWED!?"
[System Commentary: It's considered a cultural item in some yandere subcultures.]
[Please smile. Your fear smells like affection.]
Finally, Lucivella, the Demon Queen herself, stepped through a portal of velvet darkness, sipping a glass of soul wine. "Let us begin," she said with a smirk. "I'm legally married in five time loops already. This is just pageantry."
The crowd went wild.
EVENT ONE: Synchronized Blushing!
"This… this isn't a sport," Rei muttered as he was seated on a golden throne mid-field, surrounded by enchanted roses.
The contestants lined up, cheeks puffed, ready.
"On my mark!" shouted the goblin. "3… 2… 1… BLUSH!"
All five girls simultaneously turned crimson, releasing waves of magical affection that vaporized three nearby noble ladies.
Seraphina glowed like the sunrise. Lilia trembled with squeals. Drakana's scales literally steamed. Rosette bled from the nose (willingly). And Lucivella? She just tilted her head and whispered, "You look edible."
[System Warning: Direct eye contact with Lucivella has triggered a 7% soul melt.]
[Initiating emergency chill spray.] PSSSSHHHH
Ice mist blasted Rei's face. He clutched the arms of his throne like a man on a rollercoaster built by drunk sorcerers.
EVENT TWO: Love Declaration Duel!
Each contestant had thirty seconds to declare their love in front of the magical love judges — three floating sentient heart spirits and one immortal duck with a tiara.
Drakana smashed a boulder with Rei's name carved into it.
Seraphina sang an aria that melted half the audience into blissful unconsciousness.
Lilia handed the judges a 3,000-page handwritten diary. "That's just Volume One," she said brightly. "Volume Two includes our wedding night fanfiction!"
Rosette approached the microphone, stared directly into Rei's soul, and whispered, "You breathe. I breathe. You stop. I continue."
Lucivella simply whispered, "You'll never escape."
The duck judge quacked, shivered, and fainted.
EVENT THREE: Make Him Lunch Without Poison!
This was, by far, the deadliest.
Each contestant presented a lovingly prepared bento box. Rei stared at them like a condemned man stares at five identical guillotines with bows on them.
"Try mine first~" Lilia said sweetly. "I replicated your childhood meals based on taste memories I extracted from your pillow."
"Mine is fire-roasted wyvern heart!" Drakana declared. "Just like a real courtship hunt!"
"Mine is composed of precisely 1,776 calories, your exact daily nutritional requirement." Rosette adjusted her glasses. "No aphrodisiacs this time."
"Mine was prepared in a palace kitchen under divine hygiene wards," Seraphina smiled. "Also, I tested each bite on a unicorn."
"I killed a chef and took his soul," Lucivella said. "He was good."
Rei looked at the goblin announcer, pleading.
The goblin tossed him a fork.
[System Mission: Eat at least one bite from each without expiring.]
[Bonus Objective: Keep your pants on.]
He started with Lilia's and immediately began to cry from the sheer taste of repressed childhood trauma.
He moved to Drakana's and coughed out a fireball.
Rosette's was actually good. That terrified him more.
Seraphina's made him briefly float two inches off the ground. He ignored the glowing heart rune on his tongue.
Lucivella's… just winked at him. The bento box winked.
FINAL EVENT: Seduce Without Getting Arrested!
"This is insane," Rei whispered, trembling as the girls circled him on the main stage.
"No touching," the goblin called. "No cursing, binding, hexing, or threatening witnesses. Please keep all seductive gestures within kingdom-legal zones."
All five contestants failed immediately.
Drakana flexed her abs, made a mating growl, and accidentally set the backdrop on fire.
Seraphina tried to pour wine into his mouth while whispering state secrets.
Lilia produced a wedding veil from her pants.
Rosette made direct eye contact with the royal guards and mouthed, "Leave."
Lucivella snapped her fingers and half the crowd proposed to her.
Rei screamed and tried to run.
[System Alert: You are within 500 meters of five activated Yandere Zones.]
[Escape probability: 0.0003%]
[System Advice: Play dead.]
He did.
And the crowd gave a standing ovation.
CLOSING CEREMONY
By the end, Rei was lying in a puddle of magical sweat, rose petals, and scorched romantic dreams.
"And the winner is…" the goblin bellowed.
"WAIT!" all five girls shouted.
"We demand a tie," Seraphina declared.
"We all win," Lucivella purred.
"We'll share," Lilia giggled.
Rosette produced a document titled Shared Marriage Accords: Harem Edition.
Drakana licked Rei's cheek. "What's his is ours."
[System Notification: Consensus achieved.]
[You are now equally owned. Congrats.]
[New Achievement Unlocked: "Poly-Fiancéed Panic."]
[New Title: Trophy Husband Supreme]
Rei whimpered.
"Let's celebrate~" Lilia said.
"With dinner," Rosette added.
"With kisses," Seraphina cooed.
"With bloodsport," Drakana declared.
"With binding rituals," Lucivella offered.
Rei stood, shaking, and raised a trembling finger.
"I… I need to use the bathroom."
He took one step.
And collapsed.
[System Notice: You have fainted due to overwhelming love exposure.]
[Auto-teleporting to Safe Zone: Closet Under the Stairs.]
[Estimated time until pursuit: 0.6 seconds.]
[System Final Thoughts: Gold medal in surviving love chaos. 10/10. Would faint again.]
To be continued…