"You're coming Friday."
No, I'm not.
You can say no. Just say no.
She didn't ask. She declared.
Who does that? Who just decides for other people?
Maybe it's a joke. Maybe everyone gets that invite. Like a mass threat.
What if it really is mandatory. What if they take attendance. God, what if there's a sign-in sheet.
Don't spiral. It's just a dumb party. You survived worse. Probably. Maybe.
I could pretend to be sick. Hide in the bathroom. Say my period started. No one questions blood.
But what if they knock. What if they come get me.
What if Sasha expects me to go.
No. She wouldn't. She doesn't care.
But what if she does.
You can't go. You can't be around drunk people. You don't even know the rules. Is it one drink? Two? What if I say something stupid? What if I black out?
What if I see her flirting. With someone hot. Cool. Confident. Like Niamh, but more.
What if I get jealous.
What if I can't hide it.
Oh my god. What if there's spin the bottle.
Or truth or dare.
Or body shots.
I can't play that. I can't even stand near that.
Do they even know how terrifying that is?
What if someone dares me to kiss her. And everyone laughs. And I freeze. And she just—lets it happen. Or worse. Doesn't.
And then they all know. And I'm the freak who got weird about a dare.
Maybe no one will talk to me. Maybe I'll just stand in the corner.
Or maybe Haley will drag me into something. Some team game. Charades? Twister?
God. I should just fake a fever. Maybe if I eat something sketchy.
What am I doing. I have class.
Tray's empty. Did I eat that fast?
Wipe hands. Napkin. Fold it. Why am I folding it.
Don't stare at the crumbs. Just stand up. Not too fast.
Wait. Where did they go?
Haley was right there. Niamh too. When did they leave?
Why didn't I notice? Was I talking? Thinking? God, I was spiraling.
I missed it. Missed the whole exit.
Walk fast. Pretend you're not thinking about parties.
Pretend you're not thinking about Sasha. Especially not about Sasha. Stop it. Not now.
***
Hall is almost full. Great, there's still a seat left in the back.
Chair squeaks. Fuck. Too loud. Just sit. Pretend that didn't happen.
"Hey, um—Sophie, right?"
Oh no.
Smile. Slightly. Don't show teeth.
"Yeah. That's me."
"I thought so! I'm Yuki. This is Marisol. We're two doors down."
Two doors. Which side. Doesn't matter.
"Hi."
Voice came out weird. Again.
"We keep seeing you but didn't want to scare you on day one. You looked kinda overwhelmed."
Great. Everyone knows.
"No, I—I mean, yeah. A bit. Still settling in."
Marisol grins. "First time in this hall?"
Do I lie? Is that weird?
"Yeah. My first day actually"
"We just wanted to say hi."
Smile. Nod. That's safe.
"We're doing tea tonight. Chill thing. Just our room. If you want. No pressure."
Tea. Not beer. That sounds… okay?
"Thanks. Maybe. Depends how much homework I screw up."
Yuki laughs. It's not loud. It feels okay.
"We're both doing psych. So we don't believe in homework."
Marisol: "She means she procrastinates with documentaries."
"They count."
"No, they don't."
Yuki nudges her. I pretend to smile like I know them.
"You doing lit or something? You have that look."
What look? Shit. Do I look like someone who reads?
"Uh, yeah. English. You can tell?"
"The tote bag. And that blue sweater. Dead giveaway."
I should've gone with black. Or grey. Something boring.
"It's a nice sweater," Marisol adds.
Thank you? Do I say that?
"Thanks. It's... warm."
Why did I say that.
"That makes it top tier," Yuki says.
Marisol: "Yeah, mine's itchy and I regret everything."
They're easy. Not fake. Not trying too hard. Is this what normal is?
"You going to the Friday thing?"
Not this again.
"People keep asking. I don't know."
Yuki nods. "We might go. Not sure. Depends if we can sneak out early."
"I heard it gets crowded."
"It does. We usually hide out in the back or on the balcony if it gets too loud. You can come with us, if you want??"
Do I say yes? Is that weird?
"That'd be… actually kind of amazing."
"Done. We usually drift near the snack table. Easier to leave if it gets weird."
Marisol: "Yuki maps escape routes like it's a fire drill."
They laugh. I laugh? I think I do. Soft. Careful.
"Okay, I think I like you," Yuki says.
What. No. Don't panic.
"You're like a cat in human form. You just peek around and bolt."
That doesn't sound bad?
"That's… not the worst thing I've been called."
"Marisol's more of a Labrador. Always wagging."
"Rude. But accurate."
My cheeks feel tight. Am I smiling? When did that started?
"Anyway," Yuki says, "come for tea. We have peppermint. And one weird lavender thing."
"And oat cookies," Marisol adds.
"That sounds… really nice. Actually."
"Cool. Seven-ish. If not, we'll bug you again tomorrow."
Didn't sound like a threat. Unlike the party invitation earlier.
"Okay. Thanks. For talking to me. I mean."
"Of course. Neighbors. Gotta stick together."
They wave. I wave back.
Okay. That happened.
That actually happened.
I didn't fuck it up.
I think.
Right?
***
Why is that sound so sharp? Is he writing that fast on purpose? The board's full. Why isn't he stopping? He's gonna erase it. Don't. I haven't written it all. Not yet. Slow down, please. Just five more seconds.
"So if we're thinking about first-person narration... not always about truth, right? More like, what gets left out."
What?
"Doesn't have to be lying. Could just be not knowing. Or not wanting to know."
Again, what?
Keep writing. Copy now, make sence later.
How's Yuki finding time to doodle. Marisol's chewing her sleeve.
I should doodle. Can't even draw.
Focus already. You'll regret not paying attention later.
"...Sophie."
Did he say—?
Did he really say my name? Look? No. Don't look. Just nod. Quick. Is that enough?
"Would you say the narrator in 'Eleanor's Letter' is reliable?"
Fuck.
"Um."
Say something. Don't think. Wait, opposite. Think. You can do it. It's not that hard.
"I think… she means what she says. But maybe not what she feels."
Why did I say that. Is that even smart?
"Interesting. So you're suggesting there's a disconnect between expression and emotion."
That sounded better when he put it that way. Keep nodding.
"Anyone want to build on that?"
Someone else talks. Phew. Don't look relieved.
Am I shaking? Calm down, Sophie, don't be too obvious.
Something's moving near my elbow. Yuki's arm. A tiny folded square. Note?
Fingers twitch. Open it. Just open it. Read before you chicken out.
"You nailed that, Cat."
Fuck. I am smiling again.